Feeling -ve, -ve Feelings

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Missed the shuttle bus to church today, ended up taking a brisk walk to church from Pasir Ris MRT and was in the end drenched in perspiration by the time I arrived. Anyway, today's sermon was on "Knowing what matters most". Basically, what matters most is not money and success as this could not be brought into eternal life but rather the love for God and his people. The Elder was challenging us to take our strained relationships and forgive the person just as God has given his son, Jesus, to die for our sins.

This message made me feel lost. This period, my struggle seems to be with relationships that has soured. Some are easy to forgive but some are not. I was particularly finding it difficult to give the strained friendship between my "beginning to hate me" friend and me another try. The very reason I shunned away from him is because I feel insecure around him. After the dinner with my committee member and him, I just have more doubts about our friendship.

Even though so, he had continuingly asked me out for dinner but I have declined again and again, saying that I am not comfortable to meet yet. Despite that, he seemed to have came by twice and waiting for me to turn up. I am seiously beginning to worry about him asking me to go out with him... and the messages I am getting... Just a couple of hours ago, I received a sms from him "Lots of murder recently... scared?" This was in response to my sms to him earlier telling him I am lost whether where to go with our friendship especially after the sermon and suggested leaving the decision to God (just as he (my friend) leaves his decision to quit or not to whether he sees road blocks that day). I suggested that I will give one week and if we cross paths with each other outside of work premises and without any party intentionally doing so, the answer will be clear... He did not respond to that message (possibly because he was sleeping) until 5 hours later. This, in addition to 2 other messages received earlier:

The first message: I sent a message earlier this week asking him why he still keen to meet me despite hating me and whether he is thinking of hurting me... he did not give me a definite yes or no.

The second message: he messaged me to say my head like pumpkin head and it would taste good...

This is really worrying me to the extent I am quite paranoid now... Who sends "Lots of murder recently... scared?" as a joke?

Anyway, have also been feeling that I have been spending quite a bit on food and meeting up with friends recently, despite being unemployed. Need to curb my spending from tomorrow onwards. Just went to buffet dinner with my friends and finished a whole 15-course dinner, super full!