Retreat!

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Today is shitty... just returned from a dinner appointment with someone from my management committee and a friend... really regret agreeing to go for the appointment, should have declined the offer...

Had really wonder what the "agenda" of the dinner and wondering is it another attempt to persuade me to stay in my job. Anyway, I had prepared myself to stand firm on my decision to leave. Was fortunate that this committee member was not persistent about asking me to stay... all I ask is for people to respect my decision to leave... the whole experience of staying and working here has been so bad that I need to move on and start afresh... I know I may have issues to resolve but I just need to move on... why can't anyone respect my decision?

Anyway, the most disappointing thing from the whole dinner is my friend... Too much have been going on these few months and I had shared with him quite a bit about what is happening in office, holding him in confidence as a friend. But today, I seen too much. I had my doubts whether I could trust this friend and in a way, was prepared that this dinner might be a revelation for me. I, however, did not think that it would turn out so bad... I left the dinner feeling so insecure...

Throughout the whole dinner, I felt like a teapot sitting there while my friend and my committee member spoke among themselves... of course I know I was quiet, so much so others may find it difficult to engage me. However, I had seen too much today and feel very uncomfortable with what I observed...

• I saw how my friend behaved so different towards this committee member compared to how he behaved in front of me.
• I saw how my friend discussed other people behind their backs with this committee member.
• I saw how several times he somehow sided with this committee member.
• I see how much happier he was talking to this this committee member and all these made me wonder how much of what I had told him was discussed with this this committee member...

To me, I need to feel secure among friends and this just makes me feel uneasy... My friend had once said that if he was to choose who to have living in his world, he would choose this committee member and another friend... So maybe, I am just a "friend of convenience", one who has some value to make use of for now... Don't get me wrong, I am not jealous at all... I just cannot help but feel uneasy when there is a possibility that someone is not genuine towards me. I have put in a lot as a friend...

Can't help but feel that maybe with me coming into the picture, I had made things difficult between thes 2 people... now with me leaving the picture, hopefully things will be better for them.

I need to retreat! From this job, from this friendship... I need sometime alone to work through these issues in a safe environment... too much bad things have happened...

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