Little Warrior, Big Battle...

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warrior by akasleep

Been a few days since I last came into the blog... haven't been an easy week for me...

Battle @ Work
Just last thursday, I was "shot" through email by my acting "boss" and I am not the bit thrilled about it. Everytime I look at the email, I can't help but feel my blood boil... cannot stand how some insensitive remarks were made about me in that email.

It all started when I sensed that staff are not coping well with the increased workload, with only 3 staff left, handling the work of 7 people. Since I will be leaving at the end of the month, I was tidying up some stuff for handing over and emailed to my acting "boss" asking who will be taking over my portfolio. As expected, she responded that my fellow colleague (who is currently already taking over 2 persons' portfolio in addition to her own portfolio which she was barely coping with) will be taking over some aspects of my job. I somehow felt for my colleague and emailed back to my acting "boss" and management sharing my observation that staff are not coping, in my capacity of a member of staff and the association, expressing my concern how things will turn out if left the way it is... I mean:

firstly, no replacements are coming in for staff who left and the remaining 2 management support officers are taking over the portfolios, some jobs have to be taken over by executive, including certain aspects of my job

secondly, staff tends to get the feeling that management feel that everyone's work is easy to take over and that the remaining staff could easily handle the job... this does irritates me. I get the kind of feeling that my professionalism is not respected that someone who does not even know the work in the association coming in to say work can be taken over easilyand handled by 2 staff.

thirdly, management seems to not care at all about staff. With the increase of workload, nothing much, with the exception of a small increment, is given. HR policy remains unsatisfying...

To my surprise, an email shot back from the acting "boss", stating that:

1. I do not know how much she is currently putting in to support staff (when in fact I had already recognized her effort in supporting staff, half a day each day, in my previous email). I have been there longer and involved in operations longer than her and jolly well know how much work is involved. Yes, I do not know the work of the other staff who has left but I know that my colleague has not been coping with her previous portfolio, let alone taking over addiotnal portfolio. Can't stand when my professional judgment is questioned.

2. I should see her and clarify matters before "sounding the alarm" although I had previously brough this issue up at staff meeting but to no avail. The general feeling I get is that staff meetings are only a show, a "wayang" where she gets to show that she "cares" about staff but nothing is done in the end, that things will just follow her way.

3. hinting that I am making trouble and that I should check with staff their perceptions before making a racket out of it... Can't stand when people who are not self-aware makes accusation at other people. Do you think I will proceed to voice out if I do not know how staff feels? If I am going to be shot for being honest, so be it... in fact, I had respected her authority and had brough the issue up before only to be ignored, so I brought it up to management, I felt I had the obligation to speak up for staff. However, I do agree that I should not be their spokesperson, as stated by the acting "boss"...

I rest my case.

I really thank this "boss" for giving me such a gift a few hours before I leave for my Hong Kong trip. She really "made my day".

I did not respond to the email despite how much my blood was boiling but did call up my president to state my stand... that I am not responding not because I am in the wrong and have nothing to say, but that I will just keep my mouth shut and will not interfere anymore... I am totally disappointed... to date, it has been 6 days since that email and there was no response from the other management members... maybe staff just don't mean anything at all, just numbers and means to getting work done... I rest my case...

Battle with Conscience
I was called for a second interview at the IT firm last friday but then it did not go well. I was continually questioned whether I will be committed to the job since I have been working with people all along and am now changing lines to work with machines... I guess this has got me thinking as well... In fact in the end, the conclusion is that yes, I enjoy working with people relatively more and breathed a sigh of relief when the interview didn't go well. Had the feeling the director was not convinced that I will be committed in my work.

However, received news this morning that I had been accepted for the job... this has caused me to struggle, even to this time while I am typing this. I am to give a response to the HR department tomorrow. On one hand, I feel that I may not have the passion to do the job and that I might have expressed interest in the first place to find an excuse to get myself a job and out of my current predicament, but on the other hand, I feel indebted to this friend who has helped me to secure this interview, that I will put him in a spot if I reject. In the end, I decided that I will not take the job just because of the feeling of indebtedness, only to leave soon after, this is definitely not fair to him, the company and myself. This decision has caused me to be worried again, at whether I can get a job by the time I leave this job... I felt extremely bad about the decision and wrote a honest email to my friend, apologizing for the decision if I choose to reject the offer tomorrow. This has made me feel horrible the whole day...

Battle with My Purpose
Incidentally, today is my first day at work after coming back from Hong Kong and I had made up my mind that I will be hostile to my acting "boss" after what happened and that I will boycott staff meetings as it doesn't matter anymore to me... However, I seem to be blessed with calmness and peace after resuming reading of my "Purpose-Driven Life" book. I had not been reading it for the past few days while i was away in Hong Kong. Today's lesson seems to be on the purpose of bringing glory to God by being like Christ... by bringing glory to God by worshipping him in various ways in our life... This somehow spoke to me, hinting that I should dispense forgiveness just as Jesus has suffered on the cross for our sins so that we will be forgiven. I am struggling with that and although I feel more peace, I still feel angry with this "boss" and want to be hostile to her after what she has done to me. I was deeply disgusted when she called in the afternoon and spoke to me as if nothing happened...

I am very tired... just want to move on...