For the Longest Time

Listen to this article

Yes, for the longest time... wow, been more than a month since I last blogged! Frankly, a lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I know a lot happened but the funny thing is that I can't remember... It has been an real hectic and tiring month for me and also a emotional rollercoaster ride as well.

The Disappearing Act
Partly, I have "disappeared" because I have been very physically and mentally exhausted with what was going on in my life in the past month. Work and church ministry has been keeping me very drained, to the extent I still struggle to wake up every morning. I am still late for work every morning! Aiyoh. The other reason was also because I was going through some spiritual struggles and did not really want to blog about it. I wasn't able to come to terms about it and frankly, I hesitated to blog about it, for the fear people might ask why a person with my faith also face struggles. But then, I come to realise, being a Christian does not necessarily mean a life free of trouble, but a life we can live in confidence and peace that God is with us (Immanuel). But yet, at times, I still can't come to terms with it myself.

Struggling with Cell Leadership
My spiritual struggle has been with cell leadership. In fact, to date, even though it has only been some five months into leadership, I have made the decision to step down four times already (but every time, there is always "spiritual" intervention which would stop me from the decision). I have been having a real difficult time leading my cell. I am starting to feel guilty that my members' spiritual growth seem to have come to a standstill. Members are seldom coming to cell and people are leaving. Every time I led cell discussion, I always face silence and just feel like a total failure, not knowing how to facilitate discussions. Then I felt I have not been caring for my members enough by checking in on them (but then my "introvertedness" makes me struggle with going up to people to initiate chit-chats, sustaining a conversation or even just picking up the phone to call them). I can't help but feel guilty for the state my cell group is in now.

Going into a Low, Feeling a Failure
Then, the last few weeks, I went through the lowest time thus far. Just two weeks ago, I decided to sit my members down for a frank chat about what can be better in cell group. Although I appreciate the frankness of the sharing, some of the comments did make me feel so much a failure as a leader. One of the comments was about how people do not feel that there is a closely knitted community in cell while another suggested I write shorter emails and not launch into a "sermon" during discussion time. Yes, these comments are well appreciated but also brutally frank. Then the next week, we had a discussion about trials in the book of Job. Then, one of my members suddenly shared about her struggle during the discussion. The insensitive me, was so engrossed with facilitating the discussion I forgot about addressing her emotions and tried to divert the discussion back. Then another member asked her how she was feeling. I felt like a complete idiot and battered myself for being so insensitive. Call myself a social worker, call myself a cell leader. I was so disappointed with myself as a person, as a cell group leader, as a social worker.

Then last week, I made a decision to cancel cell group because there was this connect conference, organised by the Navigators which I signed up for on Friday and Saturday. I then realised how selfish I was to cancel cell for that. Yes, I did ask whether any of my cell members are keen to attend the conference together and four of us were going. But then still, I know that deep inside me, I was kind of relieved that I can go for the conference and skip cell. I felt I was so very selfish!

The Last Straw
Then, as if this guilt is not enough, I had to face with another trial. Deep inside me, I was already toying with the idea of stepping down from cell leadership that friday, as I made my way to the conference. And I was resolved that I will make my way to the conference to hear from what God had to say to me about my decision. I have come to a point that I am tired beyond words and just want to seek God's blessings to step down. But then, the bus which I took, had its bus route changed. Which took me in the opposite direction. By the time I realised that the bus is not going to take me where I am going to go, it was already 7.20pm, 20 minutes past the starting time of the conference. I alighted and struggled down Bugis as I tried to catch a cab down to the conference but no cab could be seen. Eventually, I reached Sim Lim Square's taxi stand and there was a long queue. By this time, it is already 7.35pm and I was thinking that by the time I get on the cab and arrive at the conference, it is going to be halfway through the conference. Deep inside me, there was something that was just telling me to give up and skip the conference, which I eventually did. Yes, I made that decision but then I became very disappointed with myself. It is likened to my leadership of cell; the heart is willing but the body is weak. I began to feel how much a weakling I am and how much God has to put up with all my feeling of inadequacy. I felt down and made a distressed call to my Area Overseer (AO) and decided to ask him out for a chat and tell him, at all cost, that I have decided to step down.

He eventually did sense something was wrong and decided to meet me. I really appreciate that gesture. As I made my way down to meet him in Simei, I stood in the train facing the exit. By this time, I was feeling very down and sent smses to my sister and my two colleagues. I was on the verge of breaking down and crying. Then, my colleague smsed me to ask me to hang on and as I looked up, I saw this advert from WDA. On it, it mentioned, "Are you ready for growth?" I remember, on the verge of tearing in the train, I told God "No! Not when it hurts so much! I do not want a part in it anymore!"

I Still Believe God is in Control, But...
Deep in my heart, I know that God will deliver me because I have seen Him work in my life. It is very hard to explain but then somehow, you will sense Him working in your life and how He is blessing you. Frankly, despite all the difficulties that I am facing in cell leadership, I still stand amazed at how He works and I give thanks:

• for blessing me with a couple of members who still seem responsive and supportive of me
• that despite the state of the cell, I am still surprisingly receiving on average one new comer every week
• that I can see how God is moving in a few people's lives, moving them closer to knowing Him
• that God still seem to speak to me every week through cell and leading me on through lessons in modules of faith
• that God seems to be in control and so far, on weeks which it is crazily busy at work, there always is no cell that week
• that God seems to guide in me leading department devotions... I am quite surprised at how devotions turn out and the things I sometimes share and say
• that He has used me on several occasions to reach out to make a difference to people, in my own small ways.
  

But even though I know all these, the stubborn me just don't want a part of this any more. I am just tired about it. I cried umpteen times about it and just wanted out. It would be fair for me and for my members as well. That evening, I sat in Simei with my AO and told him my struggles and decision to step down. Guess he more or less expected it because he did not seem that surprised about my decision. Frankly, I can't remember what he told me but I only remember him "throwing" something I said back at me. I had told him that, as I reflect back, I did grow leaps and bounds because I am leading a cell group now. I have began to read the bible and understand more about the character of God. But I wanted out because I feel tired and guilty that my members are not growing and because I can no longer feel passion every week in church as I worshipped God, it is just weariness. It wasn't mean to say that I no longer believe in God but then my walk is characterized by weariness rather than passion that I used to have in the past.

And God Answers...
My AO threw this question back at me "Since you said you have grown spiritually after being a cell group leader, when will be your next opportunity for growth, should you step down?". I frankly cannot answer the question. He then went on to say that being a Christian is not a "feel-good", lovey-dovey kind of feeling when we worship but how much we grow as we read the word of God and live Christ-like lives. He affirmed me that the fact I cared about my members' walk did show that I do have a heart of a leader. He shared with me, unexpectedly, that part of the reason why he is serving as a leader is also the opportunity for him to grow spiritually; a selfish reason. He then prayed for me and challenged me to think about how I myself am growing spiritually.

I woke up the next day and decided to go to the conference to continue to seek to hear what God had to say. Maybe He will give me His blessings to step down. But to the contrary, the speaker challenged us to think about our ministry. He asked this question:

"Do you think that when you see God, is He going to ask you, 'what have you done for me?' or how have you grown as a result of what you have done for me?'"

He was basically challenging people who are so focused on ministry work they are losing the real meaning of it. He is saying that, what is most important is how one is growing in Christ, not how much they do for Christ. What an echo of the message from my AO the previous night! To make things "worse", as the speaker asked us to step forth to rededicate ourselves to God, he used the phrase "there comes a point when the rubber needs to hit the road", which caught my attention, because this is the very phrase used by my AO the previous night. God seems to be driving home a point here. As people moved off from their chairs to the front, I struggled with the decision whether to go up front. On one hand, I am holding back because I am just tired and can no longer deal with the adventure that God might have in stall for me, so I am not ready to rededicate myself, but on the other hand, the pressure of more and more people going forth and less and less people staying behind in their seats made me struggle; I did not want to be seen as the minority stubborn few, who God did not managed to get the message across. Eventually, I decided to just go forth, deciding to give it one more try, trusting God will be in control. It was an emotional decision.

Conviction from 2 Timothy 2
All in all, I did not get the blessing I want from God to step down, but instead, He seem to remind me about my growth over ministry. Just a week before, I had decided to go on a spiritual retreat with my colleague. We just decided to go off to Batam during the weekend to have some quiet time and seek God. Nothing much was planned and we just went. For a long time, I had longed to be able to connect to someone at a deeper level and I thank God for the spiritual retreat time with this colleague, which helped me feel connected. Mostly importantly, I had wanted to go for this retreat to hear from God about my difficulty in leading cell. I left the retreat feeling convicted of my unChrist-like lifestyle. I had cried out to God on why my heart is for Him but nothing seems to be working in my cell leadership. Then, I got convicted that Saturday evening on two occasions. Firstly, I realised how disciplined my colleague was in his quiet time and when he decided it was time to be with God, he was serious about it, switched off the TV, took his bible and sat in a corner and delved into it. Me, on the other hand, was dilly dallying and was struggling with the TV. This convicted me on where I placed God in my priority of things. Secondly, a passage from the bible further convicted me about my seriousness with God. My colleague had nicely prepared a devotion for me to meditate on and this devotion brought me to 2 Timothy 2. As I read 2 Timothy 2, a few verses began to speak to me and shed light on why things have not gone well. It was as if God was answering my question why things are not going well even though my heart is for Him. The verses from 2 Timothy 2:4-7 says:

4. No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs—he wants to please his commanding officer. 5. Similarly, if anyone competes as an athlete, he does not receive the victor's crown unless he competes according to the rules. 6. The hardworking farmer should be the first to receive a share of the crops. 7. Reflect on what I am saying, for the Lord will give you insight into all this.

I stared at verse 7 for a long time and true enough I did not understand what the verse means and I did ask for insight from God. Then, I began to understand that the verse is talking about how it is important to not only have a heart that beats for God; a hear that desires Him (v4), it is also important to run the race and live a righteous and Christ-like (v5), then we will be like the hardworking farmer who will be the first to receive a share of the crops; reaping God's rewards for us (v6). It became clear that I have a heart for God but then in terms of my life, it has not been righteous and Christ-like enough. The next morning, I was even surprised how God used me to minister to my friend. It was one of those moments when I least expect to say something that makes would minister to someone but God used me. And I thanked God for it.

So anyway, I am here to stay as a cell leader at this point in time though I still do not know for how long before the next onslaught of "spiritual attacks" to tempt me to step down. While spending time with this colleague, he also helped me to learn how important it is for young adult cells to help their members to rest in the Lord, rather than getting them to serve in their tiredness. Thank God for the revelation.

Achieving with God
Work-wise, I have come to the second year at work and I had just finished my appraisal with my boss. As I write my own appraisal report, it is amazing the amount of work that I had done during my short stay in my current organisation. I know it is not me because it is impossible that I have achieved so much, even at structural and policy level, given that I am relatively new in this organisation and that I am the new kid on the block for volunteer management. It can only be God. As I prepared the report and even as I presented on my work to my Number 2 boss two weeks ago, I became amazed how God has blessed me in my work ministry (to the extent I ask Him why He had blessed me at work but not in my cell leadership). I had also recently finished a large scale project with a fellow brother-in-christ at work, developing a central system to manage volunteers throughout the whole organisation. This brother-in-christ is indeed very talented and had been blessed with a gifting in the area of IT and it is just amazing seeing how much people can achieve with a heart for God and with God. Thank you Lord!

OK, it's a long entry and I better stop now...

Have organised a cell gathering tomorrow but guess what, other than 3 others who responded to me, majority did not even respond to me. But I am still going to go down to East Coast no matter how many people come and I am still going to go ahead with the gathering.