Miss, Are You OK? Are You Mad?

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Drama in the Morning
Encountered something really, well how do I describe it, "weird" this morning. Was on my way to work and I made it a point to try to be on time because we were having a new colleague reporting for work today. But then, as I crossed the bridge to get to other side to take a bus to my office, I saw a lady (wearing this short skirt) who laid on the floor on the bridge. The funny thing is that a couple of people have walked past her and did nothing; they just turned back to look at her. I walked past her too but then sensing something was not right, I turned back and asked if she is OK.

She seemed to be rolling her eyes upwards and very weak. She told me that she had not taken her morning insulin jab and mentioned that she wanted to make her way back to Bukit Batok for her insulin jab. Helped her up and walked her down the bridge (all the time worrying that she will just collapse and fall down the steps). On one hand, I am concerned that she will fall but on the other hand, I am real cautious of touching her, just in case she accuses me of taking advantage of her. I told her that maybe I should get her a cab to bring her back home for her jab but she was reluctant.

As we reached the foot of the steps of the bridge, I saw an available taxi (which is really rare at this peak hour) and stretched my hand out to hail the cab. The cab made a immediate turn towards where I am but then the lady walked away, insisting that she wants to take the bus. Hence, I was left standing in between the cab and her as she walked away. The taxi drove off and I went to the lady to see how else I can help her but she shouted at me to ask me to go do my stuff and just leave her alone (felt extremely rejected at this time) and just left her to walk herself to the bus-stop.

Was waiting for my bus and soon she came to the bus-stop, sat herself down and start hyperventilating and crying... many people were starting to look at her. Could not take it anymore and decided to try to talk her round to let me help her even if I am going to be scolded by her yet again. At this point in time, I was feeling a whole range of emotions, I felt rejected, scared, concerned and suspicious whether she is sane or whether she is genuine or will she accuse me of things. I asked her if I can bring her to a nearby polyclinic for her insulin jab but she refused, saying that she has no money. Then the old lady beside her told me that she had earlier offered her help but she ignored her. Nonetheless, the old lady brought out a bottle of medicated oil and offered to her but again she refused the offer. Kept telling me that she just wants to take bus 157 back to her Bukit Batok home for the jab. She was hyperventilating very hard now and can tell that she is in pain, with her fist clutching onto her chest. I assured her that I am a social worker and will talk to the staff at the polyclinic if necessary (I was also prepared to pay for the taxi and also jab if necessary) but she refused.

Later, she asked if I can help her get a cab and tell the driver she only have $2 on her. Not knowing what to do and seeing that she is agreeable to taking a cab, I went to the head of the bus stop to hail a cab. This must have been eternity as I stood there waiting for a cab, with the seconds ticking away and me running real late for work but I called office to inform my colleagues that I am caught up with this lady. After like about fifteen minutes, I saw a cab and he stopped. Told the cab to drive further up to the lady and as she was getting on the cab, I motioned her to move in so I can accompany her to make sure she is OK but upon seeing me wanting to get in, she immediately ran out from the cab and shouted at me to stay away from her.

Again, I found myself standing in between the cab and the bus-stop with her walking away, totally embarrassed and rejected. The cab just drove away without hesitation. I told myself, "That's it! It takes two hands to clap and if she doesn't want to be helped, I will just let her be". Although I do know that the way she had reacted might also be due to the fact that she may not trust man. But deep inside me, I was hurt and upset that she had embarrassed me. I remained where I was and tried to hail a cab for myself.

Then, from the corner of my eye, I saw someone dropping off a lady from a car. As she alighted, she was smiling radiantly and waved goodbye to her friends. I do not know why but at this point in time, I was thinking that how at every point in time, there would be someone who is hurting. I later saw this lady who just alighted from the car talking to another lady at the bus-stop about the lady who was still hyperventilating in pain. Deciding to give it one last try (who knows, maybe this lady can accompany her home for her jab), I went up to her and told her that she needed her insulin jab. But what she told me later really caught me by surprise. She told me that this lady has mental issues and she always see her in the area. I really do not know what to make of the whole thing... I felt confused, possibly cheated, angry, rejected, concerned, scared and felt that I looked like a fool etc. After all, I am running real late for work and all these turn out to be possibly just mental illness? I really don't know. Actually I do not regret having stopped to offer help but then sometimes you just don't feel good feeling rejected, made to look like a fool etc. She later limped and boarded bus 153 (instead of 157 which she wanted to take) and I also boarded bus 88 which came by soon after. I felt rotten inside, not knowing what to make of the whole incident; on one hand I worry for her safety, but on the other hand I was hurt, upset, angry and embarrassed. Frankly, I am not blogging about this to boast of how a good Samaritan I am but really, this incident has affected me since morning.

Still Struggling
Upon thinking back, I really don't know if God is telling me something about cell leadership. Maybe it is telling me that sometimes, I may want to help but the other party will also want to be helped. Maybe it is telling me that I will feel rotten that things don't work out well but do I regret having taken the step? Over the last few weeks, I have really been struggling with cell leadership. Somehow, I do not know how to lead anymore and beginning to feel that people are just not used to my leading style. I am trying very hard but then, sigh, maybe things don't seem to match up to MY expectations. Frankly, I got quite upset and frustrated with the Lord and inquired if indeed I have been called and why things are just not turning out fine? It is really demoralising that when you take over cell, 5 people no longer come to cell while I kind of sense that some others are frustrated that cell is not growing. I sense rejection week after week. It is so tiring and I just want to give up. In fact, I once joked with my ex-CG leader that I sometimes just don't want to have expectations at all because the more I expect, sometimes the more I will feel disappointed. And sometimes, I also sense my ex-CG leader don't really agree with many of the ways I do things and this just doesn't go down well with me. I made a decision to finish off my term this year and not continue next year only to have Sunday's sermon reminding me again of my desire to have God change me from the inside out and for Him to make me complete. As we sang the worship songs and I just sincerely spoke to Him that "if this is Your will for me then to please please help me transform and be complete in You".

I was getting real frustrated that I haven't been able to experience Him too and it somehow is made worst as I was reading the book "Heavenly Man" given by my cell. The book is a testimony of a brother Yun who has been persecuted severely in China for following Christ. But God has used him mightily for his purpose. As I read the book, I asked God why did He not let me experience Him as deeply as brother Yun. But then later I realised, "are you ready to take on the persecution that brother Yun took up for Christ; running away like a fugitive from the Public Security Bureau, beaten and tortured by them?". The answer, unfortunately, is "no".

But then, even as I go into a period of not experiencing God (I was corrected by my CG members last week during CG meeting that it is not that "God has left me" but "He is still around, just me not being able to be connected to Him for one reason or another"), I thank God for a blessed day yesterday which reminds me of how real He is. Early in the morning, I received a sms from "the girl who I was starting to take a liking for" and she prayed a sms prayer for me. Everything she mentioned in the sms was exactly what I was asking of the Lord. What is surprising is how she knows what I am asking of the Lord because I did not tell her much. But her prayer came:

"Dear heavenly Father, may you bring my brother codfishy to a place of understanding where he can cry out to you for help. If the deliverance he prays for isn't immediate, keep him from discouragement and help him to be confident that you have begun a good work in him and will complete it (Philippians 1:6). Give him the certainty that even in his most hopeless state, when he finds it impossible to change anything, You Lord, can change everything. In Jesus' name I pray. AMEN!"

Indeed, I was crying out to God to change me and to change me to be a good leader for His purpose, so if His purpose for me is to shepherd and lead his people, then I may walk in His guided path. But I was crying out for change for this. And it is true that I need to be kept from discouragement and be more confident.

As we sang the two worship songs on Sunday, I "cried out" to the Lord for help in this area:

From the Inside Out



A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

Complete



Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice--my open heart.
I offer up my life.
I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you, Lord
In Your strength will I break through, Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
And I will be complete in You.

I look to You, Lord
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
In your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know your love dispels all my fears.

Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And I pray I will hold on, Lord
Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in
I will be complete in
I will be complete in You

Experiencing God Again
I later managed to talk to the "girl who I was beginning to take a liking" (and we did talk till 1am yesterday night) and she did tell me she prayed to God to reveal to her what I was struggling with, so she can pray for me. Besides the surprisingly accurate prayer, I also thank God when I experienced Him while speaking to my friend. I thank God for a blessed time together as my old friend listens me out on the Christian faith. Prior to meeting him, I prayed a little prayer that God will bless the time together and indeed he did. Was supposed to meet him in Braddell in the evening to bring him to Botak Jones for dinner but then decided to drop by at Campus Crusade Bookshop there while waiting for him. Boy was it a huge bookshop! He later did come to the bookshop to find me and the funny thing was that, instead of me buying anything, he ended up buying something.

And the conversation went surprisingly well too. I found myself having a good time reflecting and sharing with him about my faith and it was amazing some of the things I said... things that I was sure it would not have come from my mouth... so thank God. It was a whole 4 hours conversation and I shared on many topics from:

• Christianity as not a religion but a relationship with God
• It's focus is on reconciliation with God more so than any other things
• The bible being a chronicle of how God has worked in the lives of His people, how He blessed them, loves them and unfolds a salvation plan, Jesus Christ, to save them.
• The bible being a "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth" showing us how to live our lives in Christ-like manner
• How focus on God is more important than on worship songs, sermons and pastors (because man is fallible) and how focusing on the wrong thing can sometime cause people to be misled
  
• How Christianity, Judaism and Islam are from the same roots but somehow parted ways, but how some mentioned that eventually these differences will be reconciled
• Second-coming of Christ and end of days
• Heart of repentance being crucial in the Christian walk rather than numbers
• Ten commandments, the two greatest commandments and the great commission
• Christian living and how we are all in a therapy programme aiming to be more Christ-like, so when we do sin, do we run to or away from God. Do we feel that when we are bad, God is mad?
  
• Faith and obedience (talked about Moses and the Israelites)
  

It was really amazing seeing how things really fit together nicely throughout the conversation and while yes indeed there was one time I was confronted with something I cannot really explain but 95% of the conversation, I was surprised at the things that I was saying. It was as if all the CG discussions I prepared for in the past few weeks came in handy in helping me understand God and also share God. It was as if God had placed me in a modular training programme as I trained "on the job" as a cell leader and this came in handy when sharing Christ.

Stand Firm
Then after I came back from 4 hours of talking about the Christian faith, my prayer partner (the "girl who I was taking a liking") called and she did not sound very good. Could tell that she was not in a good state and just came back from a bad experience at the evangelism course. I was surprised at some of her trainer's perspective of things! Some of the things I heard I was really feeling uncomfortable about but then I will continue to pray with her for wisdom and discernment and if necessary, I will encourage her to bring the matter up to the higher authorities in church. But thank God He gave me 1 Cor 15:58 at the right time to encourage her. I was really glad that she sounded OK towards the end of the conversation. In fact, I can really see how passionate she is burning for Christ and how God is really working in her life. I can see how God has given her certain giftings and has plans for her.

Things that Did Not Turn Out as Well
While there were certain things which went well, some things also did not go well at work. For one, I did not feel good when I was being "told off" twice about somethings and also today, I felt kind of disappointed when I felt I was like left stranded at work sometimes when people just did not seem to want to go beyond their scope of work or take on just that extra.
Thank God for Wonderful "Retro" Fellowship
But all is not too bad. Went for a friend's birthday celebration and we ate at Manhattan Fish Market at Central. The place was wonderfully big and had so many food places. The food was good and so was the company. Throughout the whole time, they were playing English songs from the 80s and 90s, such nostalgia. Then, we decided to make our way to this Chinese dessert shop at Chinatown called "Ji De Chi" and the dessert was heavenly :) Along the way, me and my friends even started singing Chinese songs from the 80s and 90s. So fun! I really enjoyed the company thought today "the friend who rejected his birthday gift" seemed a bit depressed again and it did dampened mood a bit. Some of us asked him what was wrong but he did not share.

Thank God for a Wonderful Pre-Teachers' Day Reunion
Oh, I want to thank God for a wonderful Sunday last week as well. My sharing on volunteer resources management with some grassroot leaders went very well and I really thank God for it. I was exceptionally extroverted and, in my own opinion, confident with my presentation (sometimes, I do not understand why I am able to do this in the "secular" world but when it comes to CG, I am so nervous. Maybe the responsibility and accountability is greater as a CG leader that I do not misled my members). In fact, at the Q&A, I was so surprised at how I answered some of the questions, things that I did not even believe I would say. Thank God. Also thank God for a wonderful pre-teachers' day celebration with our JC Geography teacher. I really thank God for a few things:

• Thank God that my department chose to visit the same restaurant I was slated to visit that Sunday because it is only then that I realised that the restaurant had moved. Had I not went with my department, many of us would have gone to the wrong place
• Thank God that the gathering went well and in the end, the restaurant turned out to be just two lanes away from where my ex-teacher stays. Why I thank God is because she had to leave by 8.30pm to fetch her son to his NS camp and the very fact the restaurant was so nearby meant she could stay with us a little longer
• Thank God we had a wonderful fellowship with one another and we even went to a chinese "Tong Shui" (dessert) place along Thomson Road after that.
• Thank God for protecting us when my friends car turned into a huge one-way lane but was on the opposite direction

Thank God for Affirming Angels
Lastly, I want to thank God for all the angels He has sent into my life in the last few weeks to affirm me including Stitch Giver, WT, my prayer partner, my colleague who supports me at work and AS.