Burdensome Heart

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If I was asked to describe this week with a work, it will most probably be "burdened".

Served by Stars
Well, it kind of started on the right note. On Sunday, met up with my "couple friend" who I always hang out with. They were in Singapore Expo finding contractors to renovate their new love nest and boy, never would I thought that there are so many things to look into when renovating your house and the amount of money needed. Kind of stressful thinking that I might be doing this in future with my life partner but then it can be kind of fun too :) As I booth-hop with them from contractor to contractor, I can't help but realising that the people who served us all are stars lookalike. First was a Jacky Cheung lookalike and then a Patricia Mok (Mo Xiaoling) lookalike.

Concerned for a Friend
Then we adjourned to a eating place nearby for Macau food, not bad. We talked about the incident about my "friend who rejected his birthday gift" and it is apparent that we are still quite affected by it. Somehow, over the years, different one of us have gotten upset an one point or another by his behaviour. I have spoken to him at least twice about it but then still not much changes. He is a nice friend and he can be a wonderful friend and we sincerely want to befriend him but then sometimes his behaviour really leaves us gasping. I really pray that he will overcome whatever issues he is going through one day.

Gaming Till Late
Then, it was gaming till late as we sat in Changi Airport playing this game called "sitting ducks" and "munchkins". It was a good session but then we soon come to realise that it was late and we all had to dash to catch the bus home. You should have look at our faces as we sat in the bus on our way home... all "stoning".

Burdened...
I mentioned earlier that I if were to choose one word to describe the past few days, it would be the word "burdened".

Burden #1: Others' Spiritual Walk

"on duty" by jf

Firstly, not trying to sound "holy" but then I am starting to be real burdened by my CG members' spiritual walk. Frankly, when I take on CG leadership, little would I have imagine that one day I would be so burdened. I have felt rejected, saddened and worried all at the same time. Whenever I try to reach out to members who have stopped coming to church and cell, I would almost always get a non-response or a "sorry, I am busy" kind of response. So on one hand, I am saddened that they are drifting away from God and on the other hand, I do feel terribly rejected. And then, sometimes, I also ask myself if I am indeed doing my part as a CG leader and that I am doing enough to reach out to them. I am very introverted and I seldom ask people out for coffee etc and on occasions I try to take the initiative to ask these "drifting" members out, I either get a non-response or a rejection. So this has been what I have been trying to cope with so far.

To make myself feel better, I do try to rationalise and tell myself things like "in God's timing", "I have tried my best", "they have to take responsibility for their own spiritual walk too", "all I can do is pray for them". I thank God for all the people He has blessed me with to hear me and my burden out. Some suggested I totally strike the names of these people off the list while another proposed I focus on those who have been regularly coming. So, it seemed that I should just "let go". So when CG meeting agreed last week that we should all take responsibility for our own spiritual walk too, it made me feel relieved, very relieved. But then, come Sunday, sermon covered about David, his shepherd heart of fighting to get his flock back from the lions and bears (1 Samuel 17:34-35) and also about the ministry of Nathan, called to bring David to his senses when he sinned (2 Samuel 12). And I thought that my mind has been made up to just "let go" of this people but still once in a while look out for them, but then this sermon really made me very very confused.

Burden #2: Savage Wolves Strikes

"sheep grazing" by kevinrohr

Secondly, I am burdened for the world as well and how controversial social groups, outside the realm of religion, are reaching out to manipulate people. Increasingly, I am encountering prospective volunteers from these group trying to infiltrate to volunteer their services with our beneficiaries. The more I encounter them, the more it makes me realise how sometimes people who are seeking outside the religious realm can be misled and manipulated.

Even Christianity is not spared, for example how my friend has been misled when he joins the Korean cult and to this day, the image of them nodding their heads when their founder told them that they should eradicate this world of all bullies, really remain stuck in my head. I am not some bible scholar but at least I know Christianity preaches forgiveness and not killing. The danger when one is not focused on God and uses religion to misled others. Interestingly, staff devotion this week was from Acts 20:27-32:

27. For I have not hesitated to proclaim to you the whole will of God. 28. Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of God, which he bought with his own blood. 29. I know that after I leave, savage wolves will come in among you and will not spare the flock. 30. Even from your own number men will arise and distort the truth in order to draw away disciples after them. 31. So be on your guard! Remember that for three years I never stopped warning each of you night and day with tears. 32. "Now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified.

Burden #3: My Spiritual Journey
As I reflect upon my journey as a CG leader thus far, I realised that I have really grown leaps and bounds. It seems that I am going through an OJT (on-job training) as God guides me through my leadership and speaks to my each week with a different theme, almost like I am going through a modular course in CG leadership. But then, even as I can see myself growing, deep inside me, I still crave to experience God intensely like in the past. I am still experiencing God but then not as intensely as I would like it to be, even though I constantly remind myself about what I have blogged earlier about looking for dramatic experiences with God.

Frankly, I sometimes find myself being envious about others when they share their testimonies about how they have experienced God working in their lives. I know I might sound wrong to say this, but I really want to sometimes be able to share my testimonies about how God has worked. As time goes by, I still hold on to my old testimonies but then I find myself having lesser and lesser such intense to share with others. Compared to in the past, I find my sharing, whether in staff devotion or in CG, to be rather "preachy" and sharing from the head, instead of heart. But, I am reminded that I need to also share from the heart too lest my sharing seem too cold and not genuine.

Burden #4: Not Productive
I remember there was once last year, I felt guilty because either I had nothing much to do at work or did not have the mood to work. Well, it's happening again. It might sound crazy that I am feeling guilty about having nothing much to do when most people would rejoice at the thought of it. But it is different working in a non-profit organisation; there is this guilt that we must not waste resources we have been blessed with. Maybe, it is God's way of giving me rest, maybe there is going to be an onslaught of projects etc but then I just feel uncomfortable having nothing much to do. I have been used to a hectic work life and having many projects vying for my attention at any time. We'll see where God leads after this. Anyway, I am sick these couple of days so there is also not much mood to work. Things are still done but it is just amazing how things are trickling in slowly as compared to a few weeks ago.

Burden #5: To help or not to help?
Were you ever put in a position where you can help a person in need but then for practical reasons, you can't because the situation requires a "head" versus a "heart" decision.

Well, I was placed in such a situation this week and I do not enjoy making the decision at all. In fact, I was to even asked to share my insights and feedback about it. Well, I presented both my "heart" and "head" views but it is obvious that the final decision will be made by the other person based on "head" views.

Some Other Updates
OK, I am keeping to my fast rather well. Yesterday, I went with my colleagues to Toa Payoh Lorong 1 to eat and I must say that it is really difficult sitting there watching them eat. And they called all the nice stuff, fried hokkien mee, fried carrot cake, rojak. I was so tempted to just break fast and just eat but then had to many times refrain myself from doing so. But, I did eat the pineapple slices from the rojak since I am on a fluid and fruits fast. But there were several times I wanted to just "accidentally" pick up a piece of "you za gui" (fried fritters) since everything is black black. Great thing I didn't, really (and I am not crossing my fingers). But then I just realise how sometimes this is so much like the Christian walk, how we sometimes can just slack a little and even attempt to just sin because others cannot see ma :) But God knows.

I also thank God for a blessed time of sharing with another Christian friend. Sometimes, I am just amazed at how God bless fellowship and the right things, right words just come out at the right time and in the right way. Many of the things that I said, I would never have thought that I would say so it is by God's grace that it came out. As I mentioned, it was a blessed fellowship and within the three hours, I surprisingly was able to share my testimonies about how I returned to Christ, how I was protected from the Korean cult, how I was called to reach out to my friend from the cult and how he blessed my time with him, how I became confused and started having doubts about Christ after watching the Da Vinci Code and how these were gradually cleared, how I was called to cell leadership and the struggles I have to contend with. As I recall these testimonies, I am reminded how God had worked in my life as I affirmed the faith of another sibling-in-christ. That's the power of testimonies.

Then, just as I thought that the long night is over, came part two. When I reached home, had the opportunity to talk to the "girl who I am taking a liking for" on the phone for close to two hours till 1.30am. She was sharing with me about her experience at the course she attended that night. I can see how God is using her and blessing her as well. Wow, she is really "on fire" for Christ. We ended the call affirming one another and praying for one another. Wah, next day was trying to keep alert :) I have decided that I will take it a step at a time and see how things develop. For now, I will just do my duty dutifully as a prayer partner.

Blessed with Caring Colleagues
This morning again made me realise how blessed I am to have good colleagues and I really thank God for them. I woke up this morning already feeling unwell, and I was feeling like almost a flu was coming. Then, as I made my way to work, I was caught in the rain and deep inside me, I was thinking "oh no, surely fall sick one".

As I walk into office (late again and) drenched, my colleagues asked me why I did not call her to bring an umbrella to me. Then when I went upstairs, sitich-giver saw me drenched and tried to find a shirt for me in her department. Another colleague from my department also blessed me with flu tablets and warm water. As I think about it, I really thank God for wonderful colleagues and friends.

The funny thing is that after I wore the shirt, I was getting quite comfortable in it but stitch-giver kept asking me if I am going to continue wearing the shirt the whole day. I later found out that I was wearing a shirt with ladies cut. Thank God I changed back into my shirt shortly after and did not walk about the whole building parading in a lady's shirt! :)

Learning about Christian Leadership
I was reflecting about this and had the opportunity to talk to a couple of colleagues and friends about it casually and it became almost clear that being a Christian leader, I need to:

• Continue to focus on God and help other focus on God (and not myself or leaders because leaders can fail). Some leaders have forgotten about this and have brought the focus onto themselves or materials things like church buildings, worship etc
• Encourage members to grow spiritually and to experience God in their lives, and thereby helping others experience God. It is hard to experience God (and to help others experience God) when we are not convinced of His grace in our lives. How often do we forget about it, so it is important that we remain thankful (1 Thessalonians 5:18) and constantly aware of how God has worked in our lives. We need to be reminded of it and testimonies have the power of reminding and also sharing.
• Encourage members to not be inward looking but outreaching; not to grow and become too exclusive and cliquish but to go out and do ministry work, helping others and sharing Christ.
• Remind that the spirit behind evangelism and outreach is about restoring relationship with God, it is not a number game