It's Not the Words

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I am continuing to learn about being God's leader. As time goes by, it becomes clearer and clearer to me that it is not about the words i.e. what to say etc (which is my biggest struggle and fear in life). I continue to read about and see how God uses and blesses people, despite their flaws and shortcomings, as long as one has the desire to be in relationship with God and do His will.

Blessed Fellowship
I kind of worried myself sick about cell fellowship because it seems that not many people will be coming and one of my cell group members is also bringing a pre-believing friend. I was worrying about:

• how the fellowship will turn out given the turnout
• whether the fellowship will be successful since it is not planned and I really didn't know what it going to happen; there is no itinerary whatever
  
• how I would relate to my cell members being the introvert that I am
• how I would relate to the pre-believing friend given that I am such an introvert
• whether the decision to proceed with beach volleyball in Sentosa is a good choice
  
• whether the weather will be good

I worried and worried and worried. But there came a point I just decided that I am just going to leave it in the hands of God. I prayed to God to bless the fellowship and also sent an sms to everyone in cell for their prayers for the fellowship. I give thanks because:

• the fellowship just went well
• the weather was wonderfully fine (and I had a little tan as well, yoohoo!)
  
• there was an available volleyball court and palawan beach was quiet given that there seems to be a family day and a games event going on, we were pleasantly surprised to be able to find an available volleyball court
• it was a good time fellowshipping with my cell members and got to know them better even though I was like quiet most of the time; we even travelled to a quiet cafe in the CBD area to just chill out and chit-chat for almost 2-3 hours
  
• our new friend seem to be interacting well and comfortable with everyone

So despite coming home with minor bruises on my hand and foot, I thank God for His blessing of the fellowship

"Saliva More Than Tea"
As a cell leader, I began with a great emphasis on numbers and I would not fail to become upset when I see few people coming to cell. For me, it made me feel rejected by my members. But recently, God has helped me to develop further to not focus on the numbers but to genuinely develop a burden for people who are walking away from God. It is not an easy burden to have because on one hand, I am concerned about my members' walk but on the other hand, I am a passive person and will seldom make the first move to approach to talk to my members about their walk. But, I thank God for opportunities to do so whenever there was the chance.

Just last Friday, I had the opportunity to meet up with a friend who has visited our cell but has since not been coming to service and cell regularly. I do know she is struggling with some issues and as such, has avoided coming to service and cell. I felt burdened and had wanted to talk to her but do not know how. Thank God for the opportunity on Friday when she asked if I would be keen to meet up with her and her friend. I agreed but her friend could not join us in the end. So it was just the two of us. We had a heart-to-heart talk and I thank God for:

• Opportunity to share with her my burden about her spiritual walk with God
• words just flowed out naturally; for once I did not have to worry about what to say next
• bible verses and sharings just came naturally to encourage her on

I do not know if I had been "preachy" but then one thing I know is that I am not one who is good with words, so to have all the right words coming at the right time is a blessing from God. I hope God has used me to minister to my friend.

Lessons of a Cell Leader
I thank God for all the valuable lessons I have learnt as His cell leader. I have learnt:

• It is not the attendance and number of people in cell but how many are ministered to
• it is not the words we say but the word God speaks through the cell leader
• it is not about programmes in cell but how the cell develops a heart of worship
• it is not only about developing knowledge about the bible but also learning to experience God
• it is not about the cell leader but about how he/she becomes a conduit for God
• it is about a heart of service and servanthood
• it is not about how much I prepare but how much room I also leave for the Holy Spirit to work in cell (does not mean we totally do not prepare)
• it is not about the cell leader running the whole cell but everyone knowing his/her spiritual gifting and using it to grow the cell
• it is about how we engage everyone in prayer and trust in prayer; that a christian life is not one free of troubles but one filled with God and trusting that He knows our struggles and will deliver us in one way or another and that we grow through the trials (reminded of a sms I received sometime back about how when faced we problem, we should not only say "God we have a big problem but also problem, we have a big God)
  
• it is how transparent the cell leader is and shares his walk with his/her members and also walking the talk
• it is not about God gone but whether we choose to hear God
  

Other Thanksgiving
I thank God for:

• being able to finish tidying my office. Now it is much more tidier and the pile up on my intray is gone, my resources in my resource library is all tagged and shelved properly. So proud of my office now
• being able to catch transformers with my friends... totally enjoyed the movie though the ending is a little lame and the bad guy just died too easily.
  
• the birthday gifts my friends have blessed me with (though when people ask me what I would like for my birthday, I would not really know). I thank them for the wonderful sandals and earphones I received. Thanks guys!
• the "surprise" birthday celebration I received from my church friends today; it made me feel appreciated. I really have to thank this sister-in-christ who helped put everything together. It is wonderful to see how fired up she is for Christ and how enthusiastic she is in cell. I did feel bad though because:
  (i) she thought there was going to be cell dinner yesterday and so made arrangements with everyone to celebrate my birthday. But then later I told her I could not make it, and so she had to change the date
  (ii) I was late for my ministry team worker training in church today because on one hand I did not want to disappoint her and cell for all the arrangements she has made but on the other hand also do not want to miss the training, so in the end had to rush to both places
  (iii) I had to abandon my friends for the training
  (iv) maybe I am too sensitive but then I only had five from my cell at the birthday celebration, the rest were from the other cell and when they sang "happy birthday", they sang it so slowly, almost like reluctant, sighhh... maybe too sensitive
  (v) I did not know how to react when my cell brought the cake into swesens and sang happy birthday there... I mean, maybe I am not used having the limelight to myself; I have always been used to giving but not receiving so I hope I did not react too unnaturally
  (vi) my sister later shared with me that we did not include another brother's name into the cake because he also had his birthday in June.
  

Praying for Others
Yup, today went for the ministry team worker training in church. So happy when I received my ministry team worker badge today... means that I get to pray for people in need whenever there is any healing at the communion sessions or at events... even taught about how to catch people when they collapse but I do worry about demonic manifestation :) Anyway, as I receive my badge today, I kept wondering if I would do a good job as a MTW. I keep reminding myself that being a MTW is not so much about the status but the desire to help to pray for people in need...

I felt quite bad because, even though my dad was facing some medical uncertainties now, when the pastor called for people who need prayer or those who would like to stand in proxy for family and friends who need prayer, it took for my sister to turn to me to ask if I would like to go to the altar with her to pray for my dad before I moved... then also, after service, ran into a sister-in-christ, the one with OCD, and I just didn't know how to react with her. On one hand, I can emphatise with her and want to tal to her when I see her walking behind my cell members but not wanting to come over but on the other hand, I had previous bad experiences before that whenever I start talking to her, she would start to "hound" me again and again asking questions about other people.

But one thing is true, my spiritual gifting is mercy and I do cringe whenever I see people hurting. Just yesterday, I was on NEL line with my cell members and I keep seeing this early 20s guy sitting in one corner of the train and tearing but yet trying to remain inconspicuous. I do feel hurt to see him hurting but then do not know what to do. I just hope that I will serve as a good MTW.

I Would Need to Work It Out
I received news from my NS unit that they will be calling me back for in-camp training in Sep. And I thought I was forgotten about. I really fear going back because everytime I go back for reservist and come back to work, the work that piled up in office would be quite a big deal to clear. Last year, I went for 2 weeks and ended up clearing my work for 2 months. And now, they tell me I need to wear my uniform back when I report. But the problem is, I have grown and I can't fit into my uniform liaoz. OK, work out time to work off those fast before Sep! And remember the girl I was talking about, whom I was interested in? Yesterday, my friends were talking about match-making this girl with another friend. Deep inside me, I am thinking" now again. It happened in JC and don't tell me it is going to happen once again. Don't know what to do, sighhh.