As Bad As It Gets

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Starting on the Wrong Footing
This week has really started on a bad note. Within the first few hours back at work on Monday:

• I found out that a couple of my colleagues are not well
• I saw how upset my colleague is because she is having "maid problem"; she is suspecting that her maid is stealing money from home
• I also learnt that another colleague's mother-in-law has got diagnosed with cancer
• I received an rather hostile email from the volunteer coordinator (who proposed to put down statements in her instruction sheets to volunteers saying that she will not accept volunteers with tattoos and ear-rings)
• Just last week, I made a decision to ask a visitor to our cell out for dinner but was rejected by him. Although I know I should not be too sensitive about it but then there is a part of me which will just think "Oh, people just don't enjoy your company".

Big Picture vs Feelings
I am rather upset this week. Just last week, I mentioned how this volunteer coordinator from one of my centres almost made my blood boil because she wanted to specifically put down on paper that we will not accept volunteers with tattoos and ear-rings and that we will also block access to volunteering to volunteers from a specific institute of education, just because of a few black sheeps. Then I responded, sharing my point of view. Early Monday morning, I received an email from her, copied to her boss and my boss, implying that I do not understand the difficulties managing volunteers as a lady and stating that the next time she will get me down to manage the volunteers when the next batch comes.

I thought that it would be useless to continue the "war" over email because both sides will not get our views heard. And so, I called her and affirmed her that I see her point of view and acknowledge her difficulty but also ask that she see the point that she could not do that because it has implications on the image of the organisation. She acknowledged that. Just as I thought that the matter had rested, a few hours later, she shot yet another email to complain about volunteers and this time, she say that there is no point in "saving the face" for our organisation when she cannot protect herself. My blood was at boiling point now and I was so tempted to reply, but I stopped myself from doing so. I later shared with my boss my frustration about sending volunteers to that centre to only get to handle so much backfire. My boss was nice enough to call the coordinator's boss to discuss the issue. The coordinator's boss later replied to say that he will get some male staff to support her in managing the volunteers. The coordinator replied to say that that is better.

My boss later pointed out to me that the issue might have been sparked off because the staff felt unsupported and frustrated by the challenges she faced, which might explain her behaviour. Immediately, I stopped feeling angry with her but became more angry with myself! I was angry why I did not pick that up. Trust me to be social work trained and in this case, I was so engrossed with the "big picture" and neglected the individual's feelings. Felt super horrible!

Thanksgiving
Despite all the things that has happened to me, I still want to give thanks for the following:

• I give thanks for the pain in my throat disappearing
• I give thanks for the opportunity to talk to a sister-in-christ who I was concerned about
• I give thanks for good colleagues again; was taking group photo to welcome our new officer and we had a wonderful time staying back after work to take the group photo. We laughed ourselves crazy when we had to take out phone books so the guys standing behind will not be blocked by the ladies in front
• I give thanks for work which has been manageable
• I give thanks for the chance to take a week's rest from preparing cell
• I give thanks for being affirmed when I was asked if I will consider taking up office in the executive committee in a professional association (which I agreed to think about but will most probably not take up considering I already have enough on my platter)
• I give thanks for a few major tasks being finished this week including finishing the report for the planning retreat last month, prioritising of a list of refinements for the electronic volunteer management system I am working on with my IT department now and also finished penning the welcome greeting and coordinating my department photo for our new officers' welcome
• I give thanks to God for my gifting in the area of IT, making it possible for me to work on the web community for my professional association and also on the blog for my cell
• I give thanks for the opportunity to meet up with an old friend from secondary school who was back in Singapore from the States. We met and visited Jurong Bird Park. Was great feeling going back there after so many years. I think the last time I went there was in secondary school. Also saw his DSLR camera, made me so tempted to get one... always loved photography. But first have to pick up some photography skills first :)
• I give thanks to God for sending people around me to encourage me on in my spiritual walk and for a friend who, despite have not kept in touch for very long, never fail to send me "devotional" smses, which sometimes speak to me and is so apt for the week's cell group discussion. This week, we have covered the book of Ruth in the Old Testament which spoke or Ruth and Boaz's radical obedience, is like a beautiful water lily coming out of muddy waters, in the midst of darkness in the history of Israel as written in Judges and 1 and 2 Samuel. And the sms came on Monday:
  
  "Unto the upright there ariseth light in the darkness Psalm 112:4. God sometimes puts us in the dark to show us that Jesus is the light"

Frankly, I haven't been getting enough sleep recently... I do not know what to make out of this but then even though I am getting used to serving as cell leader, my weeks are still very stressful, having to prepare for cell and also deal with issues, projects at work and also external commitments. I am cutting down on my external commitments now and proactively trying not to take on projects.

I am also starting to worry about cell; about where we are going to meet when my former cell leader leaves the country, about upcoming events and the biggest worry of all: how to build a relationship with my members. Deep inside me I know that I need to meet them to build a relationship with them but this is causing me much distress because I am just not the kind of person who would ask people out for dinner because I have so many "what ifs", what if there is nothing to say, what if I am rejected etc. Just last week, my former cell leader reminded me again that I needed to spend some time with some of my members. Good reminder. The problem is that I already know that but just find it difficult to do. In fact, I am finding it so difficult to wake up every morning, I feel like taking leave to just sleep at home. I am praying for my situation.

Love the Passion
I thank God for a person who I had just walked in to my organisation. He is this young guy who has a strong passion to work in the social services. It was a wonderful 3 hours of talking to him and sharing about my experience of working in the social services. Talking to him about my job and working in the social services just lightened me up.