I'm At My Wits End

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Things have come to a point that I am just no longer able to take it. The final straw came when I received a sms from one of my CG mate telling me not to sms him so late in the night. While it may seem trivial but then I am just downright hurt and rejected and I just do not want any part with it anymore. It has been months of trying and I have just come to a point I am tired... I am deciding, at this point in time, that I am going to step down from cell leadership. Call me selfish or whatever but then it is just so hurtful. Maybe it was never meant to be, maybe it is Satan's spiritual attack but I just don't care! I am tired, hurt, rejected, angry, frustrated, worried but ultimately I am just plain tired.

I have just finished taking the night to design a farewell tee-shirt for my former cell leader and sent an email to all my members with the design. Well, maybe it is my fault that I am sending an sms at 12 midnight but somehow, deep inside me, I just feel that this particular CG member will not treat me like that if he treats me as his friend. Don't ask me how I know but then I just sensed that he is not taking to my cell leadership and everytime I see him, we have nothing to talk about.

In the end, I have decided to take the step to propose I step down from leadership because:

1. I am just an introvert and I am finding it difficult to relate with people in my cell. I know how important it is to check in with my cell members regularly and to care for them but then I am just finding this very difficult because I am just not a man of words. I struggle each time I call people or ask people out to meet. Don't ask me why, it may be some deep-seated problem that I have yet to come to terms with. I can be standing next to my CG member and have nothing to say while sometimes they can be having so much fun together and talking and joking.
   
2. I have faced rejection again and again from people who I am trying to reach out to because they have stopped coming to cell. I have smsed and emailed and sometimes there just is no reply. Ever since I started taking over the cell, some people have stopped coming to cell and this just does not go down well with me
3. I am tried and frustrated. Frankly, I have cried at least twice this week to the Lord why this has to happen to me. A moment I am down and a moment, the Lord lifts me up when I get His assurance but then this is just wearing me out. I must be this troublesome child of God who is this stupid crybaby, who just needs so much reassurance
4. I feel I have not been helping my cell members to grow and there seems to be a stagnation in spiritual growth now. Every week, I stress over what to cover for cell and how to cover and I just feel I am not doing my bit helping people to grow spiritually
5. I am so stressed up with cell and all its happenings I am much affected in my work and life as well. Nowadays, I get tired very easily and I find myself not sleeping enough; I am always lethargic
6. I just do not know how to lead and several times, I receive feedback about me being too long-winded and sometimes during cell, I just do not know how to facilitate and there can be this awkward silence. I have on more than three occasions been confronted about what I am doing wrong and this does not go down well with me. I am trying my best and have even wanted to buy books on facilitation to read up but I am tired! And I sometimes just find myself not assertive enough to make decisions and not knowing how to delegate jobs, which explains why sometimes I always end up doing things by myself. But I do thank God for sending me a sister-in-christ in my cell who is very supportive and tries to help and affirms me
7. I am getting tired of being concerned for people's spiritual growth because like what I mentioned, even though how concerned I am and worried, I pray but then in the end, I will be rejected.
8. The greater accountability of being a leader is also killing me
9. I feel that I have to "beg" people to help me in cell to do worship (and this happened more than once)
10. I have been so preoccupied with cell leadership I have ironically not been experiencing God as much as I did in the past.
    

OK, I am not talking coherently but then I am just tired. I just need to ventilate. Will speak to my AO about stepping down and seeing how I can ease the transition. I know I am going to be persuaded not to step down (especially since I do not even have an assistant leader now or a leader-in-training) but then I am sorry I need to throw in the towel. In the end, I still leave it to God to show me His will for me.