God Will Make a Way

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Visited Festival of Praise (FOP) yesterday and this year, it is my second time visiting FOP. Maybe it's because I am not getting any younger but then I did not enjoy the the music worship session; somehow I was meditating on the lyrics but then I could not relate to the lyrics nor get used to the extremely loud music. Not until Don Moen... Frankly, I find myself being impressed by Don Moen more so than any other guest speaker or band at FOP.

A Role Model
Like a jewel, Don Moen seem to stand out amidst the rest for me as a person who is relatively more humble and one who is constantly seeking the Lord. I believe that the Lord has used the others to minister to different people but then for me, it is Don Moen more than anyone else. From his disposition, I can tell that he is someone who seems to be constantly seeking the Lord and despite being an international worship artiste, he forever looks humble and like this fatherly figure. I admire him not because he is a renowned artiste but because I would like to be like him. His songs also spoke depths to my heart as I meditated on the words... I am really not a person with many words and so I express my heart, praise, worship, thanksgiving and cry to the Lord through worship songs, meditating every word in my heart.

Singing My Emotions
Just as the time that I am still struggling with not experiencing the Lord and crying out to Him about cell leadership and things in general, Don Moen took out his bible to read Isaiah 43 and sang the following songs which ministered to me greatly:

I Will Sing



Lord You seem so far away.A million miles or more it feels today.
And though I haven't lost my faith, I must confess right now that its hard for me to pray.
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start.
But as you give the grace with all thats in my heart.
I will sing.
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain.
I will sing.I will praise.
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true.I will sing.
Lord, it's hard for me to see all the thoughts and plans You have for me.
But I will put my trust in You.Lord will meet Your guide to set me free.
But I don't know what to say and I don't know where to start.
But as you give the grace with all thats in my heart.
I will sing.
I will praise even in my darkest time through the sorrow and the pain.
I will sing.I will praise.
Lift my hands to honor You because Your word is true.I will sing. (2 times)

This song spoke to me greatly about the uncertainty in cell leadership as I cry out "Lord, you have called me to cell leadership but sometimes I really don't know what to do".

Still



Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are god

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

Still speaks of how I would like to be still and trusting of the Lord through all the storms.

God Will Make a Way



God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His word will still remain
He will do something new today

And here, Don Moen shares about the story behind "God Will Make a Way". As I listen to this song, I pray to God to make a way for me amidst all these:

God is Good



God is good all the time
He put a song of praise
In this heart of mine
God is good all the time
Through the darkest night
His light will shine
God is good
God is good all the time

If you're walking through the valley
There are shadows all around
Do no fear He will guide you
He will keep you safe and sound
He has promised to never leave you
Nor forsake you
And His Word is true

We were sinners so unworthy
Still for us He chose to die
He filled us with His Holy Spirit
Now we can stand and testify
That His love is everlasting
And His mercies they will never end

Though I may not understand
All the plants You have for me
My life is in Your hands
And through the eyes of faith
I can clearly see

This is a song of rejoicing and how I hope I can rejoice one day in the Lord when all these is over and God delivers me. Loved it when Don Moen and his team played it country music style :) Very lively :) It was a wonderful time of worship for me as I stood before the Lord.

Where's Your Heart?
Frankly, throughout the message, I was rather restless because the message was based 1 and 2 Samuel on the anointing of David as the King of Israel and of how he has a heart for God, which has been covered over sermons in the past few weeks. But then something became very clear, the theme this week seems to be on the heart for God. Frankly, as I struggle on with cell leadership, I can see how God has caused this topic to resurface again and again; this period seems to be on that, as though God is reminding me about to reflect where my heart is everytime I cry out to him in prayer. I myself am getting real sick with all my whining about my struggles and I pray to God for my breakthrough. Incidentally, this week's Old Testament Challenge is on Psalm and expressing our emotions to God, how appropriate! Then, I was given a "spiritual awakening" by Stitch Giver because I was caught eating lunch on Wednesday despite my fasting. She helped me see the importance of not just relying on "isolated" experiences of God but also be sustained daily with prayer, quiet time and the reading of His word and naturally we will experience Him. Our spiritual walk, if just sustained by "isolated" experience with God won't sustain us as much as having quiet time prayer and the reading of His word daily. This, Stitch Giver, shared, has helped her to experience God. Then, Thursday's talk on listening to God further reaffirmed that I need to rely on the word of God, which brings life and is consistent to who God is. Important lessons also learnt is to discern whether something is from the Lord by asking whether is it consistent to what we know about the Lord? Whether it brings life and transformation and whether it is consistent to what the Lord has revealed to us in the past, for the present and future? Then the last part of yesterday's message (though I was restless most of the time) made me "jump" on my seat as I come to realise that we can be like David and ask for fresh anointing from the Lord. David too, had once experience the Lord intensely but then later distanced himself from the Lord. But he made the commitment to ask for fresh anointing.

Feeling Rejected YET AGAIN
Just yesterday itself, I had to again contend with a few dynamics within my cell group. I kind of feel my former cell leader is rather unhappy that I cancelled cell to go for festival of praise. Then, not many from my cell came and despite me sms to ask if they are coming, there are a few who just did not reply me (and they have not been coming to cell). Felt extremely rejected AGAIN.

Then when I met two from my cell at Dhoby Ghaut to make our way down to FOP, there was so much awkwardness and I can see how the guy is trying to make conversation with me but, maybe it is just me, but then I find it very hard to sustain conversations... so there is much awkward silences. Sometimes, I really find myself to be really the boring kind of person that people do not want to hang around. There are groups I am OK with but there are groups I am just quiet and not know what to say. Even when I asked about supper, not many people seemed enthusiastic about it. This is really "killing" me.

Be More Decisive
Then, I kind of became critical of myself when I made the stupid decision to ask my former cell leader to help me go to church yesterday to help me collect the FOP tickets that church has blessed us with. I do agree with her that this is rather last minute and I had to make her make her way all the way to the church to collect it. It was really a lot of trouble because she had to go to church to collect it and then pass it to another member who is coming to FOP because she herself is not coming for it. After speaking to her in the morning, I then decided to maybe just let go of the whole thing. But then, I realised she has already made arrangements with another member when to pass the tickets etc and so I held back the new decision. If only my decision making skills can be better and I can be more assertive. Later that afternoon, she sent me a sms which I did not take very well, saying that the tickets has been collected and it was good work out, that her skin tone is one toner darker and more freckles. Then later in the night, I had a friend bring another friend along and I think owing to the fact I was not decisive about where to eat, which cab to take etc, it seemed there was a bit of frustration and some just decided to go home. Codfishy, be more decisive!

Just Tempted to Give Up
Then, as a cell leader, not only do I have to be decisive, deal with rejection, be concerned for others' spiritual growth, plan cell growth, deal with admin, prepare cell group discussion, but also be discerning about where we get our spiritual nourishment from. I have come to realise that there are so many false prophets and teachers amidst us, we need to remain in check and pray for discernment. And even more so as a cell leader as we take responsibility for God's flock because savage wolves can strike even from our midst. Again, sometimes it is just so tempting to just give up cell leadership.

OK, before I end, here's a little other rambling:

• I just can't stand how come sometimes people can be so inconsiderate like blasting music on board the bus from their handphones as if everyone would enjoy their kind of music. Saw a group of students doing that but then frankly, I did not dare to approach them because they look like those "gangster" type... but sigh
• I am getting to really miss direct work. Went to visit one of my centres on Thursday and can see the kind of meaningful work they are doing at the ground level. I was really amazed when I saw how the introverted youth worker was able to win the respect of the rowdy students and all she had to say is that she wants 2 minutes silence and the students would do it. And when another talked, the others would "hit" him and ask him to keep quiet. But deep inside, I can also see that each student had a story to tell, some sad story and the worker takes time to listen to each of them. It really makes me jealous because I like to "be there for someone" but then my introvertedness just makes it difficult. I sincerely even want to be able to do this with my cell members but then everytime I try, there is awkward silence and that just makes me fear talking to them.
  
• I am glad to had been able to have a frank chat with Stitch-Giver about somethings at work and am glad that things turned out well and we were frank with each other. I am thankful that God has sent her to affirm me and also help me in my spiritual walk.
• I had a real headache starting from yesterday morning. I was at a training and sometimes, it is really draining when you are sitting at a table where the people do not really get the objectives of group exercises and you have to spend lots of time and energy to help them see it. I am not saying that I am smart or what but then when everyone have different expectations about what is to be achieved, a lot of time is wasted on trying to understand the instructions. I did not want to be imposing at first but then as time went by, I had to step in to just say something. I do not know how the others took it and whether they think I am a smart Aleck but then something had to be done. Oooo, but headache throughout the day.