An Enjoyable Week

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This week, I enjoyed myself quite a bit. Firstly, I was placed on duty on Sunday to serve holy communion last Sunday. And then, was glad that things went well for my former cell leader's' farewell. We went KTV and then ate at Fish and Co. And then, the week started and it was a wonderful week in which I got to use my creative juices quite a bit, developing forms and checklists (e.g. meeting checklist), coming out with a risk management toolkit for my organisation, putting together the volunteer coordinators' meeting which went on relatively well, working with another colleague on our organisation's central volunteer management database etc. It is just a fruitful week and I enjoyed every single bit of it.

I also give thanks for a wonderful devotion on Tuesday and it was a wonderful sharing on faith. We talked about Hebrew 11 about faith. I was so glad to see my pre-believing colleague coming to join us again for devotion and this time, she even participated and I thank God for a later opportunity to also show her where some of the stories on faith e.g. Joshua and the walls of Jericho, can be found. Faith, as defined by Hebrew 11:1 is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." We discussed quite at length about faith and concluded that:

• God's Will - Faith needs to be ground with God's will because it is possible to have faith but not according to God's will but our own will.
  
• Being Thankful - In order to develop our faith in God, we need to also be able to see how God has been working in our lives and how much He has blessed us.
• Believing that God is in control and in God's Timing - Sometimes, having faith in God's will can seem like having faith in a mystery but then some have shared how God has His timing for many things including career changes and calling.
• Spiritual Impact - Having faith can also result in you being a spiritual impact for others. Think about how the gospel would not have spread if missionaries did not have faith in God and took the gospel to spread west from Paul's time
• Growth - Faith sometimes bring growth because, with trust in God, one takes a step of faith to do things he/she would never have done and if so, would never have found out they can do if they have took the step.
• Wrestle - Having faith can also be a wrestle with God. We are reminded that it is normal for humans to wrestle with God especially when they are told to have faith in God and do something they do not yet understand. Imagine how Abraham would have felt when God has, in testing him, told him to sacrifice his son. He had waited many years for a child and now that he has spend a lot of effort taking care of his son, God chooses to take it away from him. Think how miserable it might has been on the way up to the mountain. We do sometimes struggle with God so do not feel that a faithful person is one who is born that way. I frankly believe that people in the Old Testament and New Testament times also struggled with faith but in the end they chose to have faith. So the next time you feel guilty for wrestling with God, recognise that it is normal but then what will you choose?

That afternoon, I received a very pleasant surprise on my table and it was a letter written by a fellow colleague. Wow, exciting, hahaha I also have letters. Anyway, I met a colleague along the way and shared with her how we were talking about faith during devotion that morning. However, we were interrupted in our conversation so she decided to write a letter to me to share about what she has learnt about faith. It was a pleasant surprise to receive a letter but then I thank God for the opportunity to edify one another.

Two things bothered me this week. Firstly, there was an internal charity auction on some lost and found items donated to our organisation. As I was looking through the items, my eyes got fixed on a PSP set. So I sent in my bid, with the anticipation that I will get it since my friends have been encouraging me to get one. Why not, since it is cheaper now and I can also get to store my music, pictures, movies and also surf the net, all on a neat little package? Then, on Wednesday afternoon, the results of the silent bidding came out and I tied with another colleague. Almost immediately, another colleague came (on behalf of the bidder because she was not in office) and asked if I was willing to drop my bid. I did suggest that we rebid since we tie but then later learnt that that colleague was getting for her nephew. So I decided to let go. We both walked into the office to withdraw my bid. However, that colleague was soon barraged for "bullying me" to ask me to withdraw my bid and before I can explain, she walked away angrily. Frankly, I do not like conflicts and I do feel kind of bad that such a thing had to happen. I really felt rather upset that this happened, over a PSP. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we both rebidded and I lost the bid. I think this really goes to show how sometimes we have to guard our relationships because little sparks can happen anytime to ruin the relationship. I am still upset and hope everything will be fine.

Realising Why I Struggle with Interactions
Then, I also thank God for providing me realization that I am not able to let go of a past hurt, which is affecting my relationship with people. I have mentioned that God seems to speak to me in modules and this week, it is about relationships. As I prepared for cell this week, I come to realise that I have not come to forgive what "the friend who was beginning to hate me" did to me. Even though I have come across this issue many times during these past few months, I realised I have not come to full forgiveness for what he done, although there were several times I tried to convince myself I have forgiven him. I came to realisation as I was speaking to the executive director from my former organisation. She had called me on Wednesday this week to ask me to consider if I will go back to work. On the phone, I was frank with her and mentioned that the chances are high that I will not go back because I had been hurt by the organisation and just could not let go of the hurt. I had been very disappointed by the management and could not see myself going back there again to work. Frankly, thinking about it, why would I choose to go back to work there when:

• I am happy at my current job
• I feel called to my current job
• I feel my ministry here is not done yet and personally I also would like to see my programme take off
• I am surrounded by good colleagues who I really appreciate
• I am working in a job which is nearer my house than my former organisation
• I am growing spiritually here and should I go back to my former organisation, a secular organisation, I am not sure if I would have the opportunity to grow spiritually as much as here
• I do not wish to abandon my boss because I did somehow promised her to stay and the organisation has also invested quite a lot on my training and stuff

But the ultimate reason is still that I cannot let go. As I prepared for cell, I also thank God for sending a friend to talk to me on Friday afternoon at the airport. Talking to her helped me realise that, just like my former organisation, I am also not able to let go of my hurt by the "friend who was beginning to hate me". As such, I did not have trust in people, which explains why I always find it difficult to talk to people, because I just did not dare to really develop relationships with people so much so as to make myself vulnerable to betrayals again. So despite my wanting to connect with people, I am forever finding it difficult to interact with people; I would be this introvert who seldom speaks. I have come to realisation and decided to join the New Life Encounter course at my church to hopefully be able to address some of these issues.

Blessed Conversation
Now, I also thank God for the conversation with this friend because it was friday again and I was again stressed up about cell. I was to cover the topic of love but am still quite lost as to how to cover it. But then, through these few weeks, I have come to realise how much God is in control and how he sometimes send people to minister and affirm. In the same way, I was really glad for the short ministry time between me and my friend at the airport. I had taken a day's leave to take a rest (since I had a tiring day conducting the volunteer coordinators' meeting the previous day), to send my former cell leader off for her work in China and also plan for cell that evening. So after sending my former cell leader off, I stayed in the airport to prepare for cell but then, in the end, God sent this friend to help me prepare for cell as we talked about relationships.

I also thank God for helping me to realise how through the conversation, I had come to realisation that I had not let go of the hurt by the "friend who was beginning to hate me". Similarly, I also thank God for using me to also, hopefully, minister to my friend and there were just several things that came out from my mouth that I would not have expected myself to say. All in all, I just thank God for the blessed conversation with each other.

Blessed Cell
Cell group also went wonderfully well on Friday. We had a wonderful time and there was just this friendly atmosphere as we gathered together. The music worship was wonderful and so was the ice-breaker. We had a good time and a good laugh at the ice-breaker when we tossed name and for four times, the same person keep choosing back his name. Then, cell discussion also went on very well as we talked about the languages of love. As cell ended, we also had a wonderful time fellowshipping with durians, yummy yummy. Someone joked that cell fellowship is getting very unhealthy with all the fried stuff so supper, so they decided to start us on a fruits diet, starting with the king of fruits, durian :)

My Language of Love
Also, throughout this week, I have learnt that my languages of love is physical touch and quality time though it is different from how I express my love to others. I tend to use acts of service as an expression of love to others because I do not know how comfortable they will be for me to express my language of love through touch and frankly, I feel uncomfortable about spending quality time with people because I am afraid I will be too quiet and boring. So I would choose acts of service as a way of expressing my love and concern for one.

For those of you keen on finding your language of love, try this test:

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Source: Virtuous Woman magazine (2005 Spring issue)

This week, I thank God for:

• a meeting which I was planning for went well
• my pre-believing colleagues seems to be taking another step towards accepting Christ. She shared with me that she is going for Alpha course. Praise the Lord for the new step!
• getting the tee-shirt that my cell group did for my former cell leader ready in time for me to "deliver" to her at the airport before she leaves for China.
• the girl who shared with me that I looked more cheerful in cell on Friday. Frankly, I am not sure why I seemed more cheerful; either because I had a good day's rest or because I am relieved that my cell group leader is gone and I am no longer pressurized about trying to meet her expectations.