Lovable People, Unlovable People

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There's quite a bit of "loving" and "unloving" today so much so it becomes a bit tiring... Sometimes, I just can't help but feel human relationships are just so tiring...

People I Want to love
Today, we bid farewell to Jane. At noon, me and my colleagues made our way down to Mandai Crematorium, to say our last goodbye to sister Jane. Everyone remained solemn during the service and most held their tears back rather well.

However, as "Amazing Grace" played in the background, I found myself on the verge of tearing once again as I gaze upon the coffin in which Jane lay. There lies a cheerful person who had been a blessing to many people, a person who has bravely fought cancer for more than 3 years, despite the doctor only giving her a prognosis of half a year just 3 years ago.

Everyone agreed how wonderful a person Jane had been, bringing joy to everyone with her forever cheerful disposition. As I look at Jane, I lamented the fact that I had not been able to get to know Jane better as a friend. But nonetheless, I am happy to have known her, despite only for a short while, and I am thankful for her little packet of seaweed which she had blessed me with, earlier this year.

Eventually, when the coffin was sent into the burner, quite a few broke down and cried "goodbye". I realised that this is the very end... that Jane's physical body is no more; becoming but ashes. For the most part, although it is really saddening to know that Jane has passed on, I am more glad for Jane that she does not have to suffer anymore and am glad that she is back home with the Lord.

People who are so hard to love
Just as I was starting to feel that things between me and the "friend who was beginning to hate me" were getting better, I have to painfully make the decision to end the friendship. Last Saturday, we came out for a late night spin and chatted a bit about his career plans. He also shared about how he hated his ex-supervisor (the same one who had dinner with me and this friend when I was making a decision to leave my last job) and how this ex-supervisor of his ruined our friendship. For once, I started to lay aside my doubts about this friend, believing that maybe he had been genuine.

But today, he did something which made me decide that it's final that I might just forego this friendship once and for all... Basically, he messaged me today to tell me that his ex-supervisor asked me to go back to work in my previous job or to even join him as his staff. This message really caught me by surprise because I didn't expect them to be keeping in contact with each other (since he mentioned he hated his ex-supervisor). So without wanting to say much about whether I will take the offer, I thanked him for letting me know:

Me: Oh ok thanks for letting me know.
Him: F@*K YOU (exact spelling he used)
Me: Thank you
Him: You're welcome
Me: God bless you
Him: You too... Fire Up for Christ's kingdom
Me: Anyway, I am frankly taken aback by our 'f@*k you' message. In anyway, wish you all the best. Take care
Him: All the best and take care too... Sounds like a 'we'll meet again if fated to'
Me: I am frankly very tired. It seems like a while I had doubts about out friendship, a while I thinking it can be ok but the next moment, thrown off my foot. I can't take it anymore. By the way, I am not keen in both offers because I am happy where I am and do not foresee going back.
Him: Huh? Not sure wat happened for u to feel this way. Am shocked by your message. Okay, do rest well and take care. Nighty...

What is/are his intention(s) for sending me the message? Why the profanity? I am just very tired and I hate relationships where I can't have trust. I am not sure if I am being too sensitive but then I don't take to profanity very well. No matter what it is, this is the end of the friendship and I can't take anymore... Too tired, too tired. I just wish him God's blessings.

People who seem to enjoy my company
I have always wondered if people find hanging around me boring because I am always so quiet and serious and most of the time, I have very little to say when with friends. But then today, things were a bit different. I was supposed to meet a NS friend and his wife after work in town. They brought another 2 friends along and surprisingly, I was very chatty today. In fact, I ended up talking most of the time, and they seem to be so interested in what I had to say and share about my work in the social services.

I do not know what came over me but then I was real extroverted today. In fact, I am quite surprised that having only met them for barely more than 1 hour, they started to feel I am a funny guy and even invited me to join in their regularly meet-ups with their friends... This is really the first time I have so much to say and people were interested in what I had to say... Anyway, I really find it weird that they warm up so fast to me and they even concluded that I am a nice person and a nice person to talk to. It is almost like I am thinking inside me "do they have any ulterior motive". Sorry, but then after the incident with the friend who is beginning to hate me and the friend who tried to get me join his cult, I am just skeptical of people... blame it on bad life experiences...

People who I want to care for
As I made my way home after meeting up with my NS friend, his wife and his wife's friends, I met an ex-client of mine when I was working as a medical social worker... I always remember her as this humble old lady who tries to stand up on her own to earn her keeps, rather than making demands on others to give her handouts. Place her amidst other clients who are ever so demanding about their financial assistance and/or who are not even making an effort to try to help themselves, she is a real gem.

Anyway, her hair seemed to have whitened a lot. Surprisingly, she seem to remember me. As I was talking to her, I realised this horrible feeling inside me, seeing her like that. But yet I feel there is little I can do. As I stood there talking to her, I also realised that sometimes I found it embarrassing to be talking to her when others seem to be looking at us. But yet, the other part of me says "why are you ashamed of talking to her? Just relate to her as a normal human being." I soon forgot about the others and stood there talking to her. She is as usual standing there alone selling items for money. I keep wondering where does she get all the stuff? They seem like stuff she got from her home, like loose sachets of cereals, old clocks, tissue packet etc.

Auntie, take care ya.