Mission Impossible

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Dear Diary,

WORK IMPOSSIBLE!!!
(Poster done using photo "Working with Laptop" by len-k-a)

Today was disastrous... things at work is just getting so unbearable I almost screamed my head out today. It has gotten so bad I do sometimes fear going back to work because I just didn't know where to start with so much work on hand. It is like: I am not done with one work and work just keeps coming in... Everyday just feels like going to battle and I am just being torn in all directions, having to do this, and that and that. I do prioritize but it has come to a stage where I can no longer prioritize any further... my current "to-do" list is at number 35.

And yet, I am not sure if I am indeed overworked or I am just slow? I am not sure whether I have myself to blame for all the work or just that all these are inevitable? I have spoken on this with my boss on a few occasions but did not really keep harping on it lest I be seen as whiny...

Today, I became terribly overwhelmed when the email server encountered some problems. I have to thank God that in the end, all the email was salvaged but somehow, all my few hundred emails, categorized into sub-folders according to projects and "to-dos" have all became uncategorized again. On one hand, I am relieved that I got my emails back (because I would be in a worst state if the emails were gone) but on the other hand, I stared at my over 800 uncategorized mails in disbelief, not knowing where to start... It doesn't help that these few weeks, I have been going out for meetings after meetings (and bringing back more work with each meeting) while work piles up back in office. To date, I have so much work on hand including:

• several large projects on hand which requires the recruitment and management of a few hundred volunteers,
  
• several pending volunteer interviews to conduct,
  
• a few meetings to attend and plan,
  
• reports to prepare,
  
• networking and marketing to corporate volunteers and sponsors,
  
• a new volunteer management database system to review and implement,
  
• coordination of my fellow volunteer managers' applications for a conference,
  
• public enquiries, coming through the phone, email and other departments and centres, to handle
• volunteer placements and referrals to track
• an exchange programme co-plan
• continued marketing of my organization's volunteer programme e.g. updating the volunteer opportunities bulletin
• work processes and policies to finetune
• expectations from centres, volunteers and management to balance

I just can't take it anymore... I need help, I need prayer, I need rest... Things have gotten so bad that I find that even when I leave on time from work and get sufficient sleep, I still feel exhausted. I find that I am getting so sucked into mandane work, firefighting that I have less energy and time to really invest on my volunteers; building rapport and a relationship with them. Things are getting so mandane especially when I don't even have the time to implement many of the ideas I first had when I came on board. In fact, I don't even feel that I am as sharp anymore; being able to come up with creative ideas to engage volunteers. I am starting to feel alone and sometimes angry when I referred a volunteer out to my fellow volunteer coordinators (who happen to also be overworked) only to have the volunteers call me back a few weeks later to tell me that there had been no follow-up, making it seem like I had been inefficient. Work Impossible...

I Just Won't Go (Yet)
Surprisingly, despite being so burnt out... it seems that if given a choice, I still chose not to leave. I mentioned in my blog entry here a few days ago that someone asked if I am keen to go over to his organization to work. Well, just last Wednesday, he called me again and offered me a job, asking me to consider his offer. I kind of declined and mentioned that I would not want to leave my current job as I do not wish to leave my programme half developed, which was irresponsible (the more I used this excuse, the more he was bent on getting me over). Anyway, I thought through the weekend and eventually declined his offer.

Today, a friend asked me over the sms whether I have thought of going back my old workplace or join civil service? My response naturally came "no thanks, I am spiritually happy here". Well, he wasn't offering me a job but then his sms somehow made me think that despite being so stressed up here, I am still spiritually happy with what I am doing and where I am working... there is somehow more meaning working here.

Now I just do not know how long more I can last before I break down (yet again). But one thing remain true, I am grateful to God for providing for my work; so far, whenever I have a specific need for volunteers e.g. those who can bake, those who can cook etc, God will somehow send them my way... this I am grateful for the blessing. God has also blessed me so far at a few meetings that I had to lead; blessing me to know what to say and when to say...

Codfishy Proud? No.....!!!
I am also praying that I will not let pride get the better of me. So far, 2 organizations have requested me to consider taking up a position with them and recently, a colleague of mine in another centre also wrote an email to my boss and fellow colleagues in my department, "commending" me for the work I am doing and saying how they have "recruited the right person"... I just feel that sometimes it is just so easy to let this get the better of a person and become so proud. I just pray that won't happen to me.

Slowing Down...
Just last week, I gave myself a treat and decided to go watch a movie after work with my colleagues... watched "Mission Impossible III" and I must say I intensely enjoyed the break away from work (though it was kind of difficult pulling myself away from work when I had so much more to do). It was a movie that kept me at the edge of my seat and yet without senseless blood and gore. (Mission Impossible Wallpaper: www.missionimpossible.com)

I had also tried to slow down a little and just Tuesday, when I went for a meeting in the west, only to realize that I remember the wrong time and was one hour early, I went back to vist my ex-colleague at my ex-workplace nearby. It was really a wonderful being able to see my ex-colleague again.

On Friday, my cell group decided to go cycling in Pengerang and I took the opportunity to take a break from urban Singapore. Though it was a butt sore and sunburnt long weekend, I was glad that I also had the chance to take in the sights and sounds of rural life in Malaysia. There were also several firsts for me including the

• first time I cycled beside fast-moving vehicles outside Singapore (and meeting along the way dead animals like a dead bird, frog, snake, monkey),
  
• first time I cycled for over 50km,
  
• first time I ate wild boar meat (which is common in the town) and
  
• first time I slept with a roommate that snores so loud I had problem sleeping.

Nonetheless, it was a rare opportunity that I could spend sometime away and experienced the simple life... where town-wide power failures are a reality, where signs, menus in coffee shops are handwritten and not printed by computers, where everyone seems to know everyone.

I am thankful that we had been blessed throughout the trip. One of our friends' bike had a puncture along the way and it was a blessing that it punctual just metres away from a motorbike repair shop. In the end, althoughtthe person who helped us with the puncture had to ride his bike further down the road to buy the lining for the tyre, it is still a blessing because no shops can be in sight for miles after miles. I also give thanks that I came back safely even though at a point in time I nearby lost my balance and cycled into the the path of an oncoming car.

On Monday, I was having a little Monday blues since I still didn't seem to get enough rest despite it being a long weekend but I must really thank God that I was yet given another chance to rest; the server at work went down and the whole headquarters came to a standstill (it is at times like that it makes you wonder how reliant we are on technology). I took things easy for the whole day. At least my monday was not that blue and it helped me to regain a bit of my sanity.