WWW... Weekend Went Wrong

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Anticipation Builds
I had really looked forward to last weekend because I had really wanted to rest, given all the work that was coming in during the week, was getting a bit tired. There was also another reason why I was looking forward to the weekend: I had planned for a class reunion chalet and was really looking forward to attending it, meeting old friends who I got to know for some 10 years now.

The weekend had however turned out to be a rather unhappy one...

Disappointing Turnout
Well, I did have great expectations that the event will turn out wonderful with old friends sitting around, reminiscing old times, talking and laughing, having much fun. However, the turnout wasn't really good.

Out of a class of 17, we had only about 7 turning up. Although we had quite a good time and did reminisced old times with the photos I brought along, it really turned out disappointing that only so few came despite having engaged everyone in the discussion and having started planning for the chalet some 1 and half months ago. The event wasn't a real "ra-ra" either, just a plain BBQ and chit-chat session (maybe just signs of getting old liaoz, no longer as crazy as "those days" when we were younger). Out of the 7 who came over, only 3, including myself stayed behind... sad indeed...

Guess am quite disappointed that the event didn't turn out as "spectacular" as I had wished. I was however really glad with the opportunity to meet up with my old classmates (despite the bad turnout) and glad with the fact that our class tutor came along and stayed for at least 2 hours.

Walking along the beach @ East Coast Park

"Could have been better" Volunteer Briefing
That Saturday morning, I handled my first volunteer briefing and although I was real happy with the turnout; felt a sense of achievement being able to successfully recruit so many volunteers for my first large-scale project, I was basically "walloping myself up" for not having prepared for the briefing.

Now on hindsight, I should have planned some simple games to break the ice and then proceed to my briefing... but somehow I felt that "I could do it" but somehow, ironically I forgot what I had wanted to say when I was placed in front of 20 pairs of eyes... Reminded me of the time I was entered for a speech competition in secondary school and being complacent, I did not prepare my speech but just remembered the points I was going to make. You guessed it, I forgot what I wanted to say and stood up on the stage, stoning (effect: crickets chirp).

I had stage-fright! I had trained large classes of 40 before and here I was standing in front of my volunteers, lost and not knowing what to say! That's it, I am planning for my next volunteer's orientation and am going to work out a structure for it. At least, I can see it as a good lesson for me to at least prepare for my volunteer briefings in future.

Anyway, I had much fun later joining my volunteers in tidying up the book collection... think a few volunteers also enjoyed themselves.

Disturbing Blog
After the volunteers' briefing, I rushed home to rest a while before rushing off to check into my chalet and get ready for the class reunion. Just before leaving the home, I came across this disturbing blog by a Singaporean which had pictures of her cutting her wrist with blood all over the floor. The last 2 photos showed her handcuffed with stitches (think she was handcuffed to the hospital bed). Just those 5 photos were so powerful and disturbing enough to disturb me for the whole day. It was a real sharp contrast to the morning where I felt much meaning and positiveness being amongst people who cared enough to want to be volunteers and here I felt q lot of negativeness and morbidity. Anyway, apparently it seems that the blogger removed that post today. The images remain stuck in my mind.

"What Do I Say Next?"
I have been struggling with this for some time now but it seemed to have got worst recently (think maybe just getting very irrational). I am always a very shy person (despite many saying I have this cheerful and outgoing disposition) and always have problem warming up to new people and new environments.

It is not surprising to find me always sitting in one small corner of a party, trying to remain inconspicuous. When in a conversation, I always struggle what to say next. Most conversations end up in awkward silence.

Recently, this has worsened to the extent I find that I also had problem sustaining conversations with old friends... I am not sure why things are this way but then somehow I just find sustaining conversations difficult to the extent I am wondering if I have social phobia (may need to read up more about it). Other people seems to strike up a conversation so easily and can sustain an interesting conversation but for me... I feel that I fear being too close too fast and also had all kinds of irrational thoughts going through my mind... "what if he/she doesn't like me?", "What if I say the wrong thing?", "Maybe he/she finds me boring" etc.

Experienced this several times the last week at work and with friends and things just continued to spiral downwards.

Haven't Been in Right State
Haven't really been feeling well these few weeks... within 5 weeks, I had flu one week, food poisoning the next, sprained my ankle 2 weeks later and then also now have sore throat... talking about really not being in the best state.

Coupled with all the negative feelings, which peaked during the last weekend, and not having slept well on Saturday night because of chalet... I just feel so so sick...

Didn't really feel very good either because somehow felt a bit guilty that I chose to skip my cell group and service the whole week. Hahaha, no wonder things are all not going well (joking) :)

Meeting Gone Wrong
Early Monday morning, I have created a crisis and had to rely on so many people to "run to my rescue". There was supposed to be a meeting with a foreign rep who wanted to sponsor an exchange programme for my organization and I had coordinated today's meeting with my 2 directors and a centre head, so it is quite an important meeting. However, AGAIN, I failed to plan early for the meeting. Realized in the morning I had no DVD player to play the corporate video (assumed that there will be one in the room) and had to trouble my colleague to go with me to another department to borrow one.

Then, 30 minutes before the meeting, I realized that the video jack wasn't the right one so I could not connect the DVD player to the projector to the wall jack and needed to climb up to connect the player to the projector which was hanging from the wall. However, the problem is... the wire is not long enough. So my colleague had to call building management to ask for help. Then he suggested no using the projector and borrowing another projector so that we can link up the player to this one rather than the one mounted onto the ceiling (which was too high to connect the player).

He ran to borrow a projector from a neigbouring department but soon realized that the DVD disc could not be read. Then he ran downstairs to grab the VCD version. At this point in time, my boss asked me about the notes for the meeting which I had not make copies for all the 4 participants and had to run to make copies. Was then informed that the rep was at the reception and had to run downstairs to fetch her and saw the building manager pushing a TV set with a DVD player up to the meeting room. In the end, they managed to use the VCD on the player, linked up to the borrowed projector but the video and audio quality wasn't the best because the video skipped at several parts and the audio was muffled (the audio jack was loose).

Overall, the meeting went terribly "screwed-up" all thanks to me for not preparing and testing the equipment a day before. What had began as a simple meeting coordinated by 1 person turned into a chaos involving so many others. Well, overall the meeting went quite OK, minus the "screw-ups".

Although, everything that could go wrong went wrong this morning... I was real glad that my colleagues helped me despite being busy with his work. My boss later came over and despite the "screw-up" she was OK about it and rather than scolding me for it, highlighted how much it can be a important lesson for me (one which I will remember deep) and how amused she was when she come to know how everyone came together to help despite it not being within their area of work. I am really grateful for all these.

Soured Friendship Ended?
Has the chapter with the "beginning to hate me" friend ended? I doubt so... Somehow, had a weird dream that I met him one day to work things out and I was sitting in his car, awkward and silent. That's all I can remember from the dream this morning. Not sure what my brain is trying to tell me.