Esteem Highs & Lows

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On Tuesday, my esteem went high and low...

Not As Planned
Early in the morning, I was supposed to lead the staff prayer and despite having planned the night before what I wanted to say, how I would be praying and the structure in which I will be conducting the bible verse discussion, things just did not turn out as planned. My prayer was short and soft with frequent pauses in between (very clear that I was lost with regards to what to say) and there were awkward silence during the discussion because I did not know how to facilitate the discussion. But I can see my colleagues trying to help me along the way by keeping the discussion going... felt extremely horrified how I did the staff prayer that day and think I am going to "freak out" the next time I do it again.

I am the Man, the Sound-Man!
The esteem got a real boost when I went to help out at an event in the afternoon. There was supposed to be a senior citizen's christmas luncheon at a hotel with 400 elderly beneficiaries being invited to partake lunch which has been kindly sponsored by a philanthropic family which does this every year (warms my heart to see people being so nice).

I was tasked to handle the sound system and liaise with the performers to ensure the performance items went well. Being new to it and with noone telling me what to do, I consider it a real achievement having came out with a system how I was going to handle to music for the performance items (because each performer gave me a different disc and required me to choose the correct track on the disc, with the correct key, with the correct channel, correct mic volume and music volume). I almost went crazy trying to figure all these out but am glad in the end worked out a system to ensure that I got it right.

At the same time, I was also glad to have been blessed with people who had helped me achieve this. The sound technician was nice enough to also help me along and helped to provide a TV (anticipating that I would need it to verify that I am playing the right song) and helped me remember that the performers might need different kinds of mic (clip-on, wireless and mic on stand).

Puzzling Personality
On Wednesday, I had promised to return back to my old office to meet my director to discuss some matters. When I was back, I was quite surprised that I was still able to provide quite a lot of insights with regards to operations and give recommendations on what would be the most effiicient and effective way of doing things, remembering the possible pitfalls and issues to address. Amazed at my good memory (maybe it is because I had been doing it day in and day out for the past 1 and half years).

Had also done justice to myself because I had rounded-up my work properly, tied up every loose ends, done proper documentation of my work (including drafting out workflows highlighting how I go about doing my work), prepared a handing-taking over sheet which clearly states all my responsibilities and who I have handed them over to. But apparently, the director did not know that I did all these and I was able to "proof my innocence" by producing all these to him.

I was also asked to serve back in the association and maybe take one some tasks on a part-time basis but I declined because I do not want to be in a position where I fail to deliver what I promised because I am not able to balance my work and my obligations to them. It would be unfair to them, unfair to my current organization (since I am not focusing on my job and doing freelance work) and definitely not fair to myself. I did however agree to lend a supportive role and continue to provide insights and "consultancy" as they call it. I think the time has come for me to take care of myself and prevent burnout.

Lastly, I find it puzzling that I put on a different personality when I was in my old office, almost like I was a very confident person, as compared to the personality I put on when in my current office; a quiet, meek and shy person. Can't really explain the difference.

Anyway, on my way home, I tried to hint to the new director what I felt were crucial at this point in time. I was trying to share insights that he has to be sensitive to staff, helping them to feel valued and respected for their experience but ultimately, how he takes it would depends on him. I just feel that the staffing is not stable and am just trying to provide my insights at how I see it.