The Great Expectation

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No la, I am not expecting (i.e. pregnant)... but today's theme seems to be on "expectations"...

Lesson 1 - Blogging for...
Spent the most part of the morning looking at someone elses' blog. Anyway, this particular blog which I was looking at is supposedly to be an award-winning one and a famous one; it registers more than 10,000 visits a day (now how did she do it?). Anyway, I wasn't at all impressed with the blog, I mean, frankly, it did look "bimbo-ish", contains lots of profanity and openly discusses about sex. Don't get me wrong, I am not against this blogger and I do not doubt that her blog is a true reflection of her day, what she truly thinks and feels but it is just too extreme and superficial for me.

I however paused for a while and asked myself "wait, why am I so affected by this blog?" Guess, I have certain expectations of peoples' blog and just as I was angry when one of my friends tried to interfere with the style of my blog, I think I should also respect others' blog... After all, one's blog should work for one's self...

Lesson 2 - Retirement & Expectations
The latter half of the morning, I was helping my dad to find out how much CPF he has left. He seemed to be hinting to me in the past few months that the monthly allowances I give to him seems not to be enough... it almost becomes clear to me that he would like me to review the allowance given to him and I do agree that given his age and his numerous medical follow-ups, he may need more. That is his expectation of me that I have to struggle with; I mean, I am currently already allocating 1/3 of my disposible income on allowance to my parents, so how do I allocate allowance in such a way that it will not foster unnecessary dependence, in such a way that will not make either of my parents feel I am biased and yet maintaining enough for me to handle some of the household bills, my bills and my lifestyle expenses? Wow, not easy being an adult... Well that is something I have to work out myself.

This has somehow caused me to think about my own expectations of the kind of lifestyle I would like to live in my retirement years... tried the retirement planner on the CPF website, fun! Go try: http://www.cpf.gov.sg/cpf_info/goto.asp?prof=&page=/cpf_info/elearning/cpf-journey/retirement.asp

Lesson 3 - Expectations of my job
Went to discuss my terms of employment with my prospective employer in the afternoon and signed the letter of appointment. Again, I am finding out about my employers' expectations of me as a staff, as the HR director went through the employee's manual with me; all the dos and don'ts... As for me, I would say that I am happy with what I saw today. The department I am working in seems to be a nice one to be in. I felt so welcomed amidst all the 7 staff who are all so friendly, makes me really look forward to working there.

Conclusion
What prompted me to think about all these? I would say, recent develoments in my relationships with a few significant others have caused me to take a step back to reflect on what could be better. It is almost clear to me that the closer you get to a person, the higher the expectations you might have of the person. We have so many expectations that go through our head everyday, from the moment we wake up, till the time we close our eyes to sleep. We have expectations even of strangers and would sometimes be displeasured by some of their "inconsiderate" actions. Was thinking about what would make a relationship a healthy one and the following formula seems to come to mind:

Feelings (Positive) + Trust + Communcation + Life Experiences (Appreciation of) + Expectations (Healthy) + Care
= A Healthy Relationship

Relationships usually start with a feeling of liking someone and wanting to make that person a part of your life journey, either as a friend or partner. This feeling is very hard to explain and may come about because of the other person's personal qualities, his/her actions, your past memories, or just a feeling of security; feeling that you can trust this person.

I would think this is where relationships grow, with trust. Relationships will not grow if it is just based on liking. One day, when the part that helps you to like the person is gone, so will the relationship, unless you develop positive feelings for something else in that person. Relationships grow when there is the trust and the commitment by everyone involved in that relationship to want to be genuine and communicate genuinely with one another; that would mean being genuine with one another and not snow-balling one's negative feelings about the other person. Communication skills are needed for each another to communicate their true feelings and perceptions in a genuine, respectful and sensitive way.

There should never be "hidden agendas" in any relationships. If so, then I would not even call it a true relationship, be it friendship, kinship or even love. Each person should feel safe to be able to share their expectations with one another in a genuine, respectful and sensitive way. Knowing one's life exprience would definitely help you to better appreciate where the other person is coming from. All of us are unique individuals who have very different life experiences which have in turn shaped our view and way of life. These life experiences help us to make decisions now and in the future and in turn help shape our other life experiences. When in a relationship, there is a need to appreciate the life experiences that one has, which could also explain the expectations one has of themselves, of others and of others about themselves.

The last component is care... it is important that you care for the other person and feel for the other person when he/she is down and out. There is this feeling of wanting the best for the other person. You can have positive feelings about a person, trust the other person, communicate well with the other person, appreciate his/her expectations but totally could not care whether the person is in need. This is not a healthy relationship at all. Sometimes, some do care for the other person but compromise themselves in the process of doing so e.g. supressing their own expectations etc. This is definitely not healthy as it is an unequal kind of relationship, where negative feelings may snow-ball, waiting to come crashing down someday.

OK, I am not a professor of relationships but then after careful reflections, these seems to be the crucial components that make a relationship tick. Comments?

So where are you in your relationships?