Retreat!

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Within a month from my personal spiritual retreat with my colleague in Batam, I am back in Batam yet again, in the same resort, but this time, I am group of guys from my church, attending this retreat for guys called the "New Life Encounter".

Why Did I Subject Myself to This?
We had to be at Harbourfront Ferry Terminal very very early and as usual la, always have trouble waking up. Anyway, managed to get myself to the terminal eventually, late by a few minutes, got my boarding pass and waited for the ferry. As I stood around waiting with the other 60 guys, I became beating myself up emotionally again; I remember asking myself "why did I subject myself to this, coming alone for this retreat? And now I am in the midst of these 60 guys who I do not know and the introverted side of me is making me so uncomfortable. How can I survive the next 2 days?" I began to utter a short prayer and pray for God to watch over these 2 days and help me keep focus that I am here to address some past hurts I have, to be healed. I urgently need a breakthrough because I am rather sick and tired of the me who is always yearning to connect with others and have and enjoy meaningful relationship with people, but yet, on the other hand, I withdraw when people try to get near to me for fear of disappointment and hurt.

The Time for Healing is Now
Months ago, God laid into my heart that I needed to deal with my issues of past hurts and unforgiveness, so for the first time, I decided to sign up for something alone (usually, I will not sign up for something without a companion). But now, as I stand amidst these guys, I began to wonder why did I agree to this in the first place. As men stood around me, laughed and talked, as families came and hugged, it made me feel more lonely than ever. Later, when we arrived at Batam, I come to know that some of the guys also came as together as a cell and I just became more upset inside me thinking about the state of my cell and how I am alone here. As our bus drive pass the Indonesian houses, I see happy faces of people walking about in groups and in their families, greeting one another "selamat hari raya". At this point in time, I am really wondering if I will ever deal with my issues of unforgiveness and be able to connect and enjoy meaningful relationships with people. It is not that I am currently not enjoying meaningful relationships, because God has put in my life people who cares for me e.g. colleagues, family and friends, and who I am currently enjoying wonderful fellowship with. However, other than these people, I just find it so difficult to have an enjoyable fellowship with many others and how I yearn for the day that I do not withdraw again from relationships with people.

Friends Abroad
Haha, the interesting thing that happened is that as I disembarked from the shuttle bus, I realised the concierge guy staring at me and said "you again". Hahaha, he happen to be the same concierge guy who helped me and my colleague with getting a cab the last time we came about a month agoand it's amazing he recognised me still! We must have been very "memorable" guests ah for him to remember us. Messaged my colleague and he remarked that maybe the concierge guy remembered us because we did not tip him hehehe. Anyway, it was kind of a nice feeling being remembered and the concierge guy did come over to talk to me a little on the last day as we were waiting to embark on our shuttle to the ferry terminal. On the first night, I also saw two of my friends together at the lobby of the resort. We all remarked it is amazing how we don't bump into each another in Singapore but in Batam. What are the chances hahaha...

God's Work of Healing Begins
Although the retreat is only 2 days 1 night, it did seem like forever but I did kind of enjoy the retreat. As we began the retreat, we had a ice-breaker which required us to share in groups what we hope to get from the retreat. In my group, some shared that they wish to grow more with God, some to learn from God but I was the only one which shared that I needed God's touch in an area of hurt in my life. The fact that I seem the only one who seemed to need healing did make me wonder a bit whether I am one of the only few who needed healing. Maybe it is because this is a man's retreat and man generally have this egoistic front which takes some time to put down. Indeed, the dynamics in the first few sessions are so different from the later few when you can see man breaking down from their past hurts. It was deep healing taking place for some; many years of hurt, disappointment, unforgiveness, anger and bitterness.

Laying Unforgiveness Down at the Feet of our God
For me, I came prepared to deal with the issue of unforgiveness of my previous organisation, "the friend who was beginning to hate me" and a few others who have hurt me along the way, including loved ones. I thought I have forgiven them but to the contrary, the session has shown me that the hurt is still pretty raw and painful and forgiveness has not really been dispensed. The session began to also surface other areas of unforgiveness of myself for my sins and the hurtful things I have done to God. Some of these has been repressed for so long I almost clean forgotten about them. Eventually, we were led to pen down our own unforgiveness list (unforgiveness of others, of self and of God) and "dispose" of them into this "No fishing" box.

Throughout the retreat, I have come to learn about forgiveness:

• Forgiveness is being aware of what the person has done but yet still choosing to forgive just as God forgave us
• Forgiveness is choosing to keep no records of wrongs
  
• Forgiveness is choosing mercy and not judgment (Story of Unmerciful Servant in Matthew 18:21-35)
• Forgiveness is giving to God our "right of revenge" (Romans 12:19)
• Forgiveness is not approving, excusing, justifying, denying what they did, nor pretending we are not hurt

I am also reminded that:

• We are commanded to forgive (Matthew 6:14-15, Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13)
• Christ Himself has set an example on the cross and in forgiving Peter for denying Him (John 21:15-19)
  I am reminded again of God's love for us to send Christ to die on the cross for our sins. Everytime I sing the song, More than Life, I can't help but be ministered to by the song (especially the bridge) and be reminded of His wonderful mercy, grace and love:
  
  
  
  
  More Than Life
  

  Stand by everything You said
  Stand by the promises we made
  Let go of everything I’ve done
  I'll run into Your open arms
  And all I know
  
  Chorus:
  I love You more than life
  I love You more than life
  
  Fall back on everything You've done
  Fall back on everlasting arms
  When all the world is swept away
  You are all the things I need
  You're the air I breathe
  
  How can it be
  You were the one on the cross that died for me?
  Lifted for all our shame?
  How can it be
  The scars in Your hands are for me?
  You are the king of all
  
  
  
• We are WIP (Work in Progress) in Christ; in so much so as that trials and problems does not go away immediately when we become Christ-followers and that we will grow as we allow Him to work in our lives
• God will never forsake us; He loves us and is set on not only reconciliation with us but also wants to restore us just as He restored Manasseh from false religion/occult sin (2 Chronicles 33:1-17), David from sexual sin and murder (2 Samuel 11-12, Psalms 51) and Peter from lying and betrayal (Matthew 26:69-75, Matthew 31-35, John 21:15-19). But God says "go and sin now more" (John 8:11)
  
• How the enemy will always use tactics to prevent reconciliation and restoration e.g. negative thoughts about ourselves and our relationship with God including any negative thoughts I have in my mind about myself and my self-esteem, which undeniably has affected even my ministry
  
• Why should I then allow unforgiveness to affect my life and make it miserable?
• How do I live my life? Body-Soul-Spirit or Spirit-Soul-Body? Which do I place first?
  

By the end of the first day, although I still could not fully forgive some of the people who hurt me, but then I do agree that I did feel a little less burdened by emotional baggage and unforgiveness which has piled up all these while. I have asked to also be prayed for the Holy Spirit to grant me gifts which would help me to lead my cell in glorifying God's name and to keep focused on Him, as well as for God to work in me to deal with my low self-esteem. And for the first time for a long while, I started to have dreams (or at least I can remember them) :) But then the funny thing is I can't recall what I dreamt about.

God Blessed our Fellowship
At the end of the first night, it was such a tiring day, I retired back in my room. But as I made my way back to the room, I was worried how I am going to spend the night with my room-mate. "Looks like it is going to be another quiet night since I am such an introvert" I thought as I walked. However, I thank God for dwelling amidst my fellowship with my room-mate. I thank God that we had the opportunity to share about our unforgiveness, our testimonies about how we got back to God as well as talked about "hearing" from God. I did not know how did the conversation started but it eventually took place and I felt that God has used our testimonies to edify one another. I always believe that testimonies need to be shared because it not only reminds us of God's grace, love and mercy in our lives, strengthens our faith but also serves to edify others as well as share about His love, grace and mercy with others.

God Speaks
Anyway, it was wonderful discussion with him about "hearing" from God because all these while I have wondered about it but have yet to opportunity to speak to anyone about it. I have always wondered "What do people mean when they 'hear' from God? Do they hear an audible voice or what? Do God speaks in a thunderous voice or what?" It has always puzzled me. I shared with my roommate how God had recently spoke to me in a rather audible voice, "Why do you doubt me?", during sermon, just when I was about to make the decision to step down from cell leadership. My roommate also shared with me how one day God spoke to him, in an audible voice, telling him to tell the friend who betrayed him that "He will bless him". You could imagine the disbelief my roommate had but nonetheless, he did tell his friend, who happens to also be a lukewarm Christian. Maybe God used my roommate to remind that friend about God, I don't know.

So it seems that God do speak, in an audible way, when He speaks. But the experience with Him so far is that, often, He speaks through people, the pulpit, His word and through circumstances. Anyway, we talked till about 1am and I believe that this wasn't so much a coincidental talk but God had blessed the sharing to edify one another. In fact, I found out that my roommate is current taking the Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) course and he invited me along. I do not know if I will be taking the course (it is 7 years long!) but one thing I know is that I asked God to help me in cell leadership, so whether it means I am to build up myself in His word, I shall wait for His prompting.

Led to Blog
Anyway, it took me a real long time to get this testimony together because of my hectic work schedule this week. But I told myself that I needed to get this together because it is a landmark event in my spiritual walk with God and I just needed to have it blogged to remind me how God worked to heal some of the hurts in my life. I also felt led by God to blog about this as a reminder to my friends and loved ones out there. Are there areas of unforgiveness and bitterness in your life today? Are there any areas you find it difficult to let go? God is willing to work with you to heal you if you let Him do His work in your life...