Mirror Mirror on the Wall

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Inside A Workaholic's Mind
Was back in my unit's office today for my in-camp training and somehow I was wondering what I will be doing, considering the past two times I was back there for in-camp, there were moments that were spent on doing some rather "unproductive" stuff.

Managed to have considerable amount of work done from morning till knock-off time and there wasn't any lull moments at all. And since I was working alone, I did not get the occasional "don't do so much because if you finish fast, they will dump more work for you" reminders from the other NSmen. Yes, the work can be rather mundane, checking through psychological surveys and subsequently scanning the results but then at least I felt I was doing some productive work, really can't stand standing around doing nothing much. I think I especially like the part where I can devise methods to get my work done efficiently; from working on the sequence of things to be done, devising methods to get the job done efficiently and also getting things in order. To me, having the ability to be creative and put solutions in place in a job thrills me.

The Me in the Mirror
Anyway, I was assigned to this person who was to brief me on what was to be done for the task. But what surprised me was that I found him to be an even more shy person than me. In fact, in him, I found so much traces of myself. He is such a shy person that sometimes when he speaks, you can't hear him (and that's the same with me). He also seems to constantly be "paisay" of troubling people (and that's the same with me). In fact, as he was assigning me the task, he even told me "sorry to be wasting your time". This is the first time I am hearing someone say this to me in national service. He also seems to be rather talented in IT but somehow lacks confidence; he was writing a macro programme and I keep hearing him say that it most probably will not work but eventually it did work (and that's the same for me too, always lacking confidence). It is like I am seeing myself in him but played out many many times. It is almost as if I am starting to see how others may view me when they interact with me.

But one thing that worries me though is that he seems to be rather quiet and he seldom speaks to the others. Even when he do speaks with the others, it was just for "official" business and it would be filled with pleasantries e.g. "Yes mdm", "yes sir" etc, very meak and submissive (which again I felt I am rather like him). Looking at him, I can somehow empathise with how he might be feeling. A part of me just makes me real keen to get to know him better and maybe be friends with him. And he seems to be relatively comfortable with talking to me; well at least we exchanged more words when he tried to explain to me how the programme code works, even though I must say I was more looking for an explanation of what would be required of me in the next task. I can tell he takes great pride in his work but he just lacks confidence. Seeing him, was like seeing myself in the mirror. Who knows? Since I asked for God to help me overcome my shyness in cell leadership, this awareness might be the start of things to come?

What's Your Race?
Just as I was leaving my house this morning for in-camp training, I was trying to grab hold of a book from my collection of Christian books and I decided to bring the book "The Man in the Mirror" with me, just in case things gets rather boring at the in-camp training (but on hindsight, things did not get boring and I also managed to experience seeing "the man in the mirror" throughout the day :)). Anyway, a particular paragraph in the book in the initial chapters set me thinking:

(On the rat race in life, p25, 1997): "The desire for instant gratification, however, has taken the place of deferring to a time when we can pay cash for our wants. Today men are consumed by desires to buy things they don't want with money they don't have, to impress people they don't like..."

Hmmm, how succinctly is our materialistic and consumerist livestyles reflected here :)

The Bitter...
So what happened during the weekend? Well, played badminton on Saturday with members from another cell group. Everyone played so well. There was again a bit of negative feelings when I found myself really doing rather badly at the badminton session (many interruptions to the game because I kept missing the shuttlecock). And I also felt envy when I observed how the leader was able to bring his members together and how he seems to be able to interact and relate to them. How I hope that I will be so with my cell group too. I really long to see the day when my cell group enjoys each other's fellowship. Then on Sunday, I made it a point to round up a few of my cell group members for lunch, but then some of them were making plans to have lunch with their tertiary cell group mates, so I tagged along. But most of the time, I was silent during the whole lunch and this kind of made me rather disappointed with myself again why I am always so uptight during social situations.

And the Sweet...
Anyway, the girl who "I might be interested in" also tagged along for the lunch, but then I could see how she could blend in easily and interact with the rest. The both of us did later adjourned to White Sands to buy a gift for my "Guardian Angel" who has given birth to a baby girl. After that, we ended up in Swensens because she mentioned she would like to give me a treat. Wow, she was really in the mood for ice-cream because she ordered a regular earthquake to share hahaha... but it was a good chit-chat with her that afternoon. That evening, I went to visit my Guardian Angel in hospital. It was good seeing her again and we chit-chatted for a while. I realised that I can only feel comfortable talking to only a handful of people; generally people who look genuine and who I feel I can trust. Guess previous bad experiences with friends who betrayed me made me rather aware of people. Anyway, my church's men's retreat is coming soon over this weekend and I am kind of excited about being able to go for the retreat. Looked at the programme and it is rather packed but I do look forward to a time of spiritual retreat with God and for healing.