Who Do I Tell?

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Hasn't been feeling very well recently... not sure it's stress or what.

Full-House Schedule
Anyway, the weeks that follow all the way till April seems a little daunting, with almost every weekend taken up for meetings, gatherings and also with my cell leader training coming up and also my missions trip, one flag day and also a in-house training workshop to plan at work. In fact, come to think of it, I haven't really had a good weekend's rest since mid Jan... This week is also the same, with 4 engagements on 4 separate evenings but most had to be canceled because I am not feeling well.

In fact, things have gotten so bad that I have even thought of quitting my other portfolio in another professional body to solely concentrate on my work and on leading cell... Somehow felt that work and "CCAs" have consumed me so much I don't have time to really think about rest and also to develop my relationship with family and friends.

Cell Leadership Transition Woes
Anyway, I must admit I am getting a bit discouraged recently, especially with leading cell... I struggle a bit on whether I should blog about it because I didn't know whether it is healthy to grumble about my current transition into cell leadership. I must admit I am not coping well although I know that growth usually requires me to step out of comfort zone.

I know it may be my perception problem but then I just feel that the whole cell leadership transition thingy is not going very well... I get the sense that my current cell leader is no longer keen on leading cell and therefore she is expecting me to take over as quickly as possible. However, given my current work, I wasn't very proactive in taking over initially, which got her rather upset, thinking that I am not trying. I did have a good heart-to-heart talk with her and explained my difficulty but then somehow I still feel that her disappointment with me still seems to be there.

To be fair to her, she is a good person and I have seen her work with the needy before. She is a passionate social service professional and thinks of the needy first. I can empathize with her current situation: Imagine working in the social services and dealing with problems day in and day out and also having to deal with leading a cell which you somehow feel is not where your calling and gifting is in. Hence it is understandable that you have not much interest in continuing with cell leadership. At the same time, you have to also deal with a rookie who seems to be taking forever to take over and keeps citing "no confidence" as excuse... I understand how stressful that can be. But somehow, the pressure of taking over cell group is getting to me.

Then, to make things worse, I feel compared to another cell leader in training, who also stepped up at the same time as me but is also struggling. But somehow, my cell leader seems to feel he puts in more effort than me. And I too keep comparing myself to my cell leader and find that I am not as much an extrovert as she is... I am like a dead wooden block during cell... Then, I don't seem to be taking well to the training style of my leader... she is the frank kind of person and can be stern at times... so she tends to be straightforward and frank with her comments. I can get quite hurt by her frank comments e.g. my cell announcement email is too long, asking me to "mai lo sor" (don't be too long-winded). Maybe, like what stitch-giver has told me recently, I might be the kind of person who needs words of affirmation. Somehow, I feel like I am transported back in time till the time I was her "supervisee"; I really feared supervision with her... the whole thing seems to be repeating itself again.

Frankly, she is a nice person and she is a very faithful Christian. Without her and her prayers, I would not have come back to Christ but then maybe it is just a clash of two very different characters. I don't know how to tell her and I also don't want to tell my area overseer or else I will make things difficult for her. Sighhh... God hear my prayers and be with me and sustain me... Somehow I still feel I am not walking as closely with God as I would like.

Am I There Yet?
And it's getting frustrating that I do not seem to be achieving my resolutions as yet; I made a resolution to be punctual at work but am still late; I made a resolution to be financially prudent and take less cab but I seem to be taking more cab rides recently; I mentioned I would like to grow spiritually but that is something I am not very sure about, in fact, I am asking myself if I am growing spiritually further away from God; I resolved to lead a balanced life but I am still struggling with my work and external commitments. But at least I am making effort to get myself out of a few external commitments and also am starting on my healthy lifestyle routine.

Thank God for the Wonderful Things
Although things haven't been going fine for me in cell leadership transition, I can still see how wonderfully God works, especially these few days when so many good things have happened e.g. news that one of my friends is expecting [Background: yeah! new arrival :0) ] and at work, the right people and resources just seems to come at the right time and the right place... I thank God for that. And I also thank God that, although I was slated to lead cell discussion, I have been blessed with 3 weeks' rest because there was no cell due to prayer meeting, church CNY service etc.