Splitting Headache for Two Days

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I had a horrendous day yesterday and the effect seem to have stayed with me till today; I am still feeling very lethargic, have this splitting headache and have totally no mood to work. I was all psyched-up for a in-house training I was coordinating for yesterday but everything just turned out horrible and now I just feel so so horrible about myself.

Firstly, to start off, I was supposed to have a volunteer come to help me with the operations , behind the scenes work for the training yesterday. However, she was unwell and so I had to take over the operations for the rest of the day (which meant I cannot participate in the workshop since I had to run around to make sure things ran well). Then as the training went on, some participants started to sense that the training wasn't as what they had expected and sought clarification from the trainer. I wasn't in the room when this happened because I was outside handling another crisis; the caterer was late and I was panicking since it would be lunch time soon.

When the food eventually came and I had time to check in with the trainer, I can sense that he was rather unhappy. We eventually found out that he had a different interpretation of what is to be covered in the workshop from me and I could sense him, on one hand, being nervous as I can see his hands shivering (maybe he was really thinking how he should proceed with the workshop) but on the other hand, I sensed his, in my opinion, unfriendliness and hostility. He kept telling me that he followed my brief emailed to him. There were awkward moments and it did not help that both of us are rather quiet people, so I offered him lunch and went out to check on the lunch. My mind was in a total blank now and I was so emotionally and psychologically drained from all that happened. I didn't even have the mood to eat. The "hostility" somewhat continue till the end of the day and twice, he seemed inpatient and asked me what is my decision on what he needs to cover.

After all these, I really don't have good vibes about this trainer. True enough he is a well-known trainer but he is just so unfriendly. I was not impressed by his training as well and did not learn much from him. In a way, I have also learnt a lot from him, thanks to all the things that went wrong. I learnt how important it is to:

• ensure that both the trainer and the organisation which has engaged the trainer's service have the same idea of the objectives of the course,
  
• for the trainer to check the expectations of the trainees at the beginning (but I did not see this happening)
• for the trainer to constantly keep track of group dynamics and ensure rotation of group members so everyone will have a chance to work with everyone and gain from insights of others. In the training yesterday, I saw how people from the management tend to stick together and I also saw some negative group dynamics affecting group discussions (but yet nothing was done about it, despite it happening literally in front of the trainer)
  
• start with a ice-breaker to maybe put people into their initial teams and break the ice (didn't really help when the trainer was this tall, big size guy with a coat on)
  
• use experential activities to drive a point across and not just do lectures all the time

I am no experienced trainer but based on my limited training experience and observing other trainers, these become rather apparent. It would also be good if the trainer could also take the opportunity to mingle with the participants but yet again, I do not see this happening. I was really disappointed with the trainer and more so myself... somehow I kept blaming myself for having organised a horrible workshop and the intended objectives were not met. I really felt that I have wasted charity money and have wasted everyone's time since everyone had to take time off to attend this workshop.

To make things worse, there were several times the discussion went off tangent and some just didn't seem to understand the question at all and their answers seem to be not that relevant. Then, my "number two" came down and again I messed up the protocol and felt horrible for having neglected her. I did not ensure she has a place to sit and did not give her a set of the notes when she joined us after the afternoon tea break.

Then the caterer was late again for the tea break and all the participants will have to go back into the workshop without tea break. I got quite mad and called to "complain" to the social worker. The catering service is a social entrepreneurship by clients of another social service organisation and we thought of supporting the clients by engaging their service but I ended up being disappointed by them. I eventually felt extremely extremely horrible because this is the first time the social service centre is trying this family for their catering service so I hope that this has not affected them. The cook, a young mother, came carrying her baby in front of her and kept apologizing for being late. Since the participants went back into the room, I made a decision for them to leave the food and come back to collect the utensils two hours later, since I did not know when the participants can come out to have their break again. Again, this turned out to be a horrible decision since the young mother, together with her two children and probably husband had to wait around for the next two hours for us.

Really, by the end of the day, I felt like a total failure and, it may sound stupid, but the intention to even resign even came to mind. I think this is me and I tend to run away from failures. It seems that God has blessed me with so many successes in the work I do that I cannot accept failures. Just a moment ago, my friend messaged me to remind me to relax and lift my troubles to God. I think I tend to forget about that but still, I can't get over how so many things went wrong and how a failure I had been.

The pounding headache stayed with me till today and I just didn't have any more mood to work. In the end, I did something which I would not expected myself to do, given my character.

Anyway, I still thank God for watching over me for my first department devotion today. Even though it was my first time leading devotion, I felt it turned out better than I have thought. Mustered up courage and led worship and sang "At the Foot of the Cross" and "So You Would Come". Today is also the first time, I prayed aloud in a group.

Today's sharing was about the gift of grace from God; how we can freely receive something from God with nothing. Isaiah 55:2 said "Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? " A few things about God's gift of salvation:

• It cannot be earned
  "... It comes not by merit but by mercy, not by trying but by trusting, and not by working but by resting. In the words of the apostle Paul, “By grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works lest anyone should boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9). In another of his New Testament letters, Paul added, “Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us” (Titus 3:5)."
• God Paid for It Himself
  "...He gave us the freedom to accept or reject Him. From the beginning, however, our first parents chose to walk away from Him. Instead of leaving them in their rebellion, He revealed a plan of rescue whereby an innocent victim would die on behalf of the guilty...He sacrificed His Son to pay for our sin (John 1:29; Hebrews 10:5-10)."
• God Offers it by Grace
  "...But the free gift is not like the offense. For if by the one man’s offense [Adam’s sin] many died, much more the grace of God and the gift by the grace of the one Man, Jesus Christ, abounded to many” (Romans 5:15)."
• It's Available to All who Receives It
  "Most of Jesus’ best friends were fishermen, not scholars. One was a tax collector. One had been possessed by demons. One sold her body for a living. What they had in common was their willingness to accept the gift of God... Even in His dying hour, while hanging on a cross between two dying criminals, Jesus gave the gift of eternal life. One of the two mocked Him, saying, “If You are the Christ, save Yourself and us.” The other criminal rebuked the first and said, “Do you not even fear God, seeing you are under the same condemnation? And we indeed justly, for we receive the due reward of our deeds; but this Man has done nothing wrong.” Then he said to Jesus, “Lord, remember me when You come into Your kingdom.” Only because salvation is a gift of grace could Jesus say to him, “Today you will be with Me in Paradise” (Luke 23:39-43)."

I also took the opportunity to share my testimony of grace; of how I have fallen away from God for years but He has not forgotten me and have brought me back by grace.