Chronicles of a Discoverer...

Reflections of Melaka Mission Trip

2009-10-21T20:57:00.006+08:00

Thinking back, I really thank God for the trip and have come to realize how much I had been blessed through the trip. Even though it may sound cliché, but on hindsight, as I am sitting here typing this reflection, I have come to realize how God is in control all the time and I would say that this is the greatest take away for me.

Philippains 4:13 (NIV)
I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Mark 10: 27 (NIV)
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."

God’s Timing & Plans
I recall a year ago when I was doing cell planning for 2009 and I remember putting down, as one of the goals for the cell, that our cell would take up a mission trip together. Frankly, at that time, I wasn’t much hopeful that this would happen but nonetheless, I remember telling myself it is a good goal to work towards anyway and I do long to be able to anchor a mission trip together with my cell.

Fast forward almost a year later and I found myself prompted to ask my cell if they wanted to anchor a mission trip together. Initially, only 3 indicated interest and chances of it happening seemed so slim. I recall sharing with my fiancée, how I look forward to be able to join the trip. But as we are scheduled to go for marriage preparation course in church, we would only end on 27 Sep, which also happens to be the last day of missions. But, I thank God for working things out and soon, we were told that our marriage preparation course would end a week earlier instead. So that would mean that both me and KM would be able to join the other 3 trippers for the mission trip. Soon, CS, our Area Overseer, also told us that he would like to join us for the trip too, bringing the number of trippers up to 6 persons. And so we have a mission team! Thinking back, it is amazing how God has worked things out, because the early conclusion of the marriage preparation has availed me, KM and also CS (who is helping as a facilitator for the marriage preparation course). At the same time, the KAIROS course has also ended on the Saturday before the trip, a timely “graduation” as KM and TR (who helped out as KAIROS table hosts) and JY, were “launched” into missions just a few days later. All in all, it is amazing to note the timeliness of everything.

Anxiety Brews…
The pre-trip preparation was somewhat nerve-wrecking because we did not know what to expect. With only 2 out of the 6 trippers having experience with mission, and with less than two weeks left to the trip following the missions briefing, we started off feeling lost and not knowing what to do. And the thought of 6 of us setting foot onto unfamiliar grounds and meeting people we have yet to meet was enough to bring about much anxiety for me.

Spiritual Warfare
I recall the few weeks prior to the trip, the team started to meet with lots of challenges. For me, I was suddenly entering into the peak period of my work and there was a sudden increase in stress at work, so much so I wasn’t sleeping well at night and was even getting worried about going to work. Soon, I also learnt that my dad was not feeling well and was developing high fever and we had to rush him to the Accidents and Emergency and was warded for pneumonia. Along the way to A&E, my mum also got injured when she tried to get into the taxi and she accidentally knocked her face against the corner of the door. But thank God she is OK. Soon, I also came down with a bad case of flu which plagued me for days up till the eve of the trip. On my way back from the doctor’s, I had also suffered a rather deep cut on my finger as I dug for the key to my house. Things came to a point where I was so overwhelmed by stress at work, at having to deal with my father’s hospitalization, my illness and preparing for the mission trip, that I began to wonder how I am going to cope with it all. I remember turning to God and praying for Him to help me.

One night, I remember being rudely awakened by a nightmare which seemed so real. I had dreamt of a little girl but there is this evilness that I can sense in her and she held on tightly to my arm and threatened me to forsake God. I woke up in cold sweat and panting. This was the first time I had experienced something like this and as I laid there gasping, I could feel a physical pain where the girl had held on to me. The nightmare had been so real that fear began to grip me and I had to do something. I remember bringing out my bible and started to read and meditate on Psalm 23. Soon after, I felt the peace of God returning and I was able to fall back into sleep without much problem.

By this time, I was feeling overwhelmed but the more it got difficult for me, the more I was convinced that I needed to engage in spiritual warfare and pray. I remember one of our cell members commenting in an email that the fact that we are facing so much spiritual attacks does goes to show that we are most probably on the right track. Soon, I have also learnt about my sister having to deal with exhaustion both at work and with preparing for the children’s programme for the mission and there was generally quite a bit of anxiety among the trippers and people were also falling sick, even up to the eve of the trip.

As a team, we decided to fast and pray for the trip and also engaged fellow colleagues, friends, loved ones and cell members as prayer warriors to pray along with us. We were blessed when many of them willingly agreed to pray along for us. Frankly, I felt that we would not have been able to survive the whole trip without our prayer warriors and to that we give thanks to God for; we give thanks for every single one of them. The trip went smoothly because it was bathed in prayer. Talking about the power of prayer!

The Many Willing Helping Hands
As we slowly approached the day of the mission trip, I continue to see how God continued to journey with us and blessed us. It was amazing seeing how much He has helped us to achieve within a short period of time of 12 days; amidst all the stresses and anxiety and work, we had managed to meet up to practice Malay praise and worship songs, bought all the necessary logistics and work on the props for the Sunday school. It was also amazing how God has brought people into our midst to help prepare us for the trip, including ER and LY, who came to share with us their experience in previous trips and taught us Malay praise and worship songs and children action songs. We also thank God for the many cell members who have came forward to help us, including, JS, in offering her creative skills and helping us to do up the giant worship song sheets; KL, EL and RC in helping us to do up the backdrop for the skit and cut up stickers for the children. Even though it seemed like a tight deadline to have everything done up, I thank God for unity and also for joy as we went about the shopping and doing the preparations. I thank God for protecting the relationships between all the brothers and sisters and how it seemed the preparations have also brought about much bonding between the trippers.

Dealing with Anxiety
Personally, I also thank God for how he ministered to me during this period. Throughout the whole period of preparation, I can see how the team members are all so focused on doing their best to ensure the success of the trip. I do not deny that this brought with it quite a bit anxiety and stress as we thought “there are so many things to do but yet so little time”. This is especially true for me because, call it occupational hazard, I am a person who is very particular about planning as I do extensive planning to ensure success in my role at work. So by this time, I was getting all edgy with so many things to do but yet having so little time to plan. We literally had to plan as we did our preparation. But throughout the preparation phase, I sensed from God through my quiet time, how we should not focus on the wrong things and ultimately, it is not about how well the things run but it is about how both we and the people we are ministering to are blessed. Things became more crystallized when I found myself in a situation where I had to share about what God has placed on my heart, to encourage one of our trippers about this. Talking about a steep learning curve! So, it’s amazing how God has first ministered to me, and then, as if to drive the point in, caused me to minister to another.

Throughout the preparation phase, I continued to seek God to give me His word so I can encourage our trippers. So, in my quiet time, He continued to speak to me through Isaiah 40:3, Isaiah 62:10 and Isaiah 40:10 and reminded me that all we need to do is to just focused on preparing the way for Him and for His people to come to Him and how we are to continue to trust in Him that He will strengthen us and help us.

Prepare the way for Him
Isaiah 40:3 (NIV)
A voice of one calling:
"In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God.

Prepare the way for His people to come to Him
Isaiah 62:10 (NIV)
Pass through, pass through the gates!
Prepare the way for the people.
Build up, build up the highway!
Remove the stones.
Raise a banner for the nations.

Continue to trust in God that He will be with us as we go forth
Isaiah 40:10 (NIV)
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

In fact, God continued to minister to me through His word and through people even throughout the trip. I recall that on the first day in Melaka, as we were doing some last minute shopping at the local shopping mall, we entered a Christian bookshop. There, my sister came up to me with a devotional book and pointed out to me how the devotional for the day and the day before was just so timely and appropriate; about not focusing on the wrong things but on worshipping God through what we do. That evening, we had a powerful time of worship, which I sensed further drove this point deep into the hearts of our trippers.

The Body of Christ; One Body Many Parts
I thank God for blessing the team with wisdom and for how each member of the team joyfully brought their giftings to bless one another. I thank God for using me and my skills in planning to put the trip together, though I have come to realize how my planning skills was of no use midway through the trip and realized I had to rely on my other members and God). I thank God for using my meticulousness in managing the mission fund. I thank God for sustaining me through His word, and as much as I was encouraged spiritually, I do hope that I had also been able to encourage the team spiritually too. I thank God for JY for her skills and experience in working with children and how this came in handy in planning the children’s programme for the trip as she willing offered her skills and experience. I thank God for TR for her desire to serve, for her supportive role she played in the team; always ready to serve in any way and also the insights she brings to the team. I thank God for CS for his ability to confidently drive us around, for being the fatherly figure thus reassuring us, for his ability to translate for us, for his extrovertedness in engaging the Orang Aslis, and also for his humor in bringing much light hearted moments to the trip. I also thank God for DG for the joy and enthusiasm he injects to the team and for his willingness to plan out the programme and also his quick-mindedness in responding to situations. I thank God for KM for her enthusiasm, joy, her support to me during the time of trip preparation, her quick-mindedness and her facilitation of the powerful time of worship on Friday evening which spoke into the hearts of the team and also in planning the worship for the trip and drafting out the mission trippers’ booklet. I also thank God for the various people He has placed to support us as well, including the many who supported us in our preparation and pray for us, including KL, who provided me assurance when he offered to be the contact person in Singapore should my parents need help and JSH and JM who graciously agreed to help facilitate cell in my absence. God made it very clear to me how he has given each and every one of us different giftings, experiences, skills and how, when we are willing, we complement one another and can achieve much in His ministry. In fact, this was really beyond what I could have imagined because in the early stages of planning, I was still concerned how we are going to pull off the trip when I realized we only had a small team, we did not really have the time to practice worshipping in Malay with the guitar and we might not have someone who could speak Malay. But God provided and showed us that as we set forth to do His work, He provides. And as the body of Christ is willing to be a part, things are achieved.

1 Corinthians 12:4-7, 14, 25-27 (NIV)
There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good… Now the body is not made up of one part but of many… so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

God’s Presence
I thank God for His presence with us throughout the trip, not only protecting us; granting us journey mercies, but even in ministering to us through a powerful time of worship on Friday, when the word came how we just needed to focus our attention on praising His name as we embarked on our projects starting the next day and not on anything else.

We thank God for his presence at Sungei Mering when we were caught by surprise and were asked to facilitate a children’s programme but yet without any plans. Nonetheless, we managed to pull together a whole programme and engaged the children. We just trust God and one another and sprung into action. And before we know it, we had managed to engage the children with action songs and the adults were finishing their sharing. By this point, I sensed God teaching me how I need to sometimes learn to rely on Him.

And I thank God for His presence with me on Sunday, as I stepped out to share my testimony with the Orang Asli. There was just a sense of peace and confidence as I faced the people, contrary to how I would feel when usually sharing in public and especially to a group of people I do not know. God gave me the words to speak and blessed my heart and gave me peace, that I found myself confidently sharing and even daring to interact a little with the locals as I shared.

A New Chapter
I also thank God for a successful marriage proposal during the trip. I had intended to propose to KM during the trip but until a few days before the trip, I was still undecided as to how I will propose as there were quite a few uncertainties I had to deal with. Nonetheless, I thank God for being able to get the proposal ring in time, for being able to be granted a day’s leave before the trip and how I managed to be sustained and finished the proposal photo slideshow in barely a few hours on Thursday early morning. I thank God for blessing me with a friend who agreed to lend me his portable DVD player and also for giving me the courage to propose. Surprisingly, at the trip, we kept seeing bridal studios, bridal cars, cakes, wedding confetti, which I believe gave me more assurance to propose to my fiancée. I also thank God for my team members giving us their blessings when they learnt that I had just proposed. I went to missions and entered a new chapter both in my life and my spiritual life.

Takeaways
I also thank God for the various takeaways I brought home with me:

Renewed Spiritual Fervor
Throughout the trip, I am inspired by Pastor Joseph and his team. I have had the opportunity to chat with Pastor Joseph on Friday when we first met him. I have come to be encouraged by this man, who, despite the challenges faced in his ministry with the Orang Aslis (ranging from their indifference to disruptions from the police and authorities), he continued to hold on to his ministry for years; building rapport with the Orang Asli one by one, spanning his ministry over 17 kampungs over long distances. And yet, he has but a lean team of himself, his wife and 2 other helpers. It does make me ashamed of how I have come to lament and complain when faced with small challenges in ministry to just a small number of people, in blessed Singapore.

It was also amazing seeing Pastor Joseph’s helpers worship the Lord on Sunday. As another of my trippers has remarked: “they have nothing to gain out of their ministry but yet they are putting in so much to serve the Lord”, reaching out to people who might reject them but yet holding on. As I saw his helpers worship and one of them worshipping in tears, I come to realize how each one of them must have a story behind them, an encounter with God, which motivates and sustains them. As for me, I am reminded again as we shared our testimonies on Friday evening, that I have a story too and a rather powerful encounter with God. But because I am rarely revisiting it nowadays, I seem might be slowly forgetting about how God is so real in my life. I need to continue to remember what the Lord has done in my life and am thinking that it might be good for me to revisit my story on an annual basis during my spiritual retreat while continuing to be aware of how real God is in my life every single day.

Psalm 77:11-12 (NIV)
I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.
“One-Truth-At-A-Time”
Pastor Joseph also shared about his ministry principle of sharing one bible truth at a time to the Orang Asli. I guess it is a real reality check for me to take a step back sometimes in ministry and how sometimes packing too many truth into one sharing might not be helpful and I need to cater to varying levels of spiritual growth.
We are linked to one another to God
During the trip, I had the chance to chat with Pastor Joseph and in the midst of talking, I had come to learn that he was classmates with an officer where I work. This officer is also the same one who persisted and shared Christ with him, bringing him to Christ. Talking about a small world! And now he is here, reaching out to, ministering to and blessing many others.

Much later in the trip, I recall CS sharing how we are all part of God’s link in reaching out to His people; that we can choose to be a strong link, the weakest link or the missing link.

2 Corinthians 5:17-20 (NIV)
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God.

Even after I returned to work from mission trip, this continue to speak strongly to me when I heard my colleagues share how one of them shared her testimony during Alpha course the week before and as a result, someone who used to be resistant to receiving Christ, was touched and chose to receive Christ that very week. My colleague had shared that the pastor who approached her mentioned that he was prompted to ask her to share her testimony and how she, despite feeling her testimony is just a simple one, was also led by the Spirit to accept the invitation to share. And after she had shared, God used her testimony to touch the life of this lady who subsequently decided to accept Christ. Nothing is impossible for God.
Beware of cultural Assumption
I have come to also realized how sometimes I would bring cultural assumptions into the missions field, just as how I nearly asked a boy who was doing some colouring to use orange for skin when I realized that their cultural understand of skin colour is dark brown. And God made each and every person they way they are, despite differences in skin colour, lifestyle, habits etc. I have learnt that I needed to be mindful of my cultural assumptions I bring into missions.
Breakthroughs
I thank God for the breakthroughs in trip. At the beginning of the trip, I was feeling really lousy at not being able to engage the children and retreating again into my introvertedness. But as I reached the second project site at Sungei Mering, I remember telling myself that there is nothing to lose and I just needed to trust God. I did managed to break out of my negativity and became more engaged with the locals as we sang and danced to Malay praise songs.

Similarly, I had initially also intended not to share my testimony because the Pastor was telling us on Saturday that we can choose what we wanted to share with the locals, either a testimony or a song item etc. But after hearing him share about his challenges with the Orang Asli and how he would like to bring them to a deeper level of worship of God; from worshipping God for the goodness they received, to worshipping God for His greatness, I decided to just trust God and hoped to share and encourage them. At that very moment, God placed in my heart a burden and it became far too difficult for me to say no to share.

I was glad that I took the step of faith and could sense His peace upon me as I began to share my testimony with confidence on Sunday. Even though it was just a short version of my testimony, I trust God to be able to use it mightily according to His will.

Frankly, I can go on and on… but I just want to thank God for:

journey mercies and how despite plans and project sites were changed, we did not get lost and managed to always find our way to different places.
exposure to working with children on Saturday as we observed the our Malaysian brothers and sisters engage the children and how this has helped us to prepare ourselves for our second project at Sg Mering and also for Sunday School.
blessings over the trippers’ health and there was no major health problems during the trip, with the exception of me having a breakout of rashes on my neck, which cleared up soon.
friendly locals who welcomed us
unity and bonding not only within the team but also with Pastor Joseph and his team there. There was even a time where the team spontaneously burst out singing hymns as we made our way to Sunday service.
food credits for our hotel stay and so we had got to enjoyed a good sumptuous Japanese buffet on the evening of day 2.
energy and being able to sustain through the few days despite having little sleep with all the preparation the previous nights e.g. rehearsal for skit etc.
time for fellowship and a little eating and shopping on Sunday after finishing off with Sunday service.
touching me as I worshipped the Lord in the midst of people of a different culture, even though I did not understand them. It was amazing and awesome to see people of different tongues worshipping the Lord together. And I can’t imagine how it would be like on the day of Christ’s return when people of every nation and tongue worship and praise Him.
enough funds and how there is even remaining money from our fund.
the good rest I had at the trip, being away from all my work and challenges in Singapore.

God’s New Calling?
At the trip, it was heartening to see how some of the Orang Asli children’s dream is to become a pastor and I am really happy that after all the effort Pastor Joseph has put in his ministry, that things seems to become brighter. And I trust that God will use each and everyone of them according to His will, in both big and small ways to bring many others back to His kingdom.

However, even as we are on the topic of calling, the topic of “What’s Next?” seem to be surfacing in my life recently. Even though I have thought about going into pastoral ministry in the past but it was something which I have thought might only happen sometime in the far future. But as I left Global Leadership Summit a few days before the trip, I felt a strong discontentment and burden that more needed to be done to bring God’s people back to Him. During staff appraisal the next day, my boss also asked me about my calling and even though we talked about my work ministry and how she hoped that I would stay on, it did stir something in my heart to think about this. And the trip too has placed a burden in my heart as I saw how there is still so much to be done in the missions field. Even during the trip, someone has called me “Pastor” and while I can easily dismiss this as coincidence but could this, in the string of events be indicating a new calling?

In quiet time in the beginning of October, I have learnt from the Lord about “seeking the eternal” and how toil is meaningless:

Ecclesiastes 2:22-26 (NIV)
What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless. A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

At the recent leaders’ workshop with Mike Connell, someone has also spoke about seeing a big fat juicy red tomato bursting forth and about fruitfulness, as he prayed for me. I am really not sure if God has another calling for me. For a long time, I have said that God has called me to my current workplace and will work till He calls me to another calling. But has the calling come?

I can do everything through him who gives me strength

2009-10-21T18:28:00.002+08:00

Wow, time flies and it is almost 3/4 of a year since i last blogged. Well, life's been busy at work and in relationship and yeah, lots of things happened. Day after day, I have been thinking of coming back in to blog, to remember all the things that have happened, but then just seemed to not be able to have enough hours in a day to do all the things I want to do...

Anyway, I had just came back from missions trip and had also proposed to KM. Thank God she agreed but with the proposal, we are ushered into a new chapter in our relationship as we now have to confront the realities of planning for the wedding... Once everyone knows that I proposed, the question that naturally follows will be "when?". Frankly, we don't know as yet and things can get a little nerve-wrecking when I think of the finances needed and also the customs that we need to observe. And I still could not speak Cantonese to communicate with KM's dad.

Anyway, we had recently finished our marriage preparation course at church and I must say that it has helped us to prepare ourselves for marriage, and know our relationship's strengths and weaknesses we have to work on.

Not One But Two-Becoming-One - I realised that with marriage, it is no longer about myself and I but about 2 persons becoming 1... and there's quite a fair bit of readjustments needed from the single life that I am so used to. It is no longer just thinking for myself but also for my partner now; something which I am still rather weak in.
The Marriage Vow - I have also learnt that the marriage vow is one not to be taken lightly because it is an oath taken before God. The mentor couples shared that they have agreed to take the "D" word out of their vocabulary despite how difficult it may get.
Taking Captive of My Thoughts - I guess, for me, something I need to work on is to learn to take captive of negative thoughts that come to my mind, especially during times when disagreements happen and I may be angry with KM. But most of the time, I realised that it is not a straight forward of who is right or wrong but a matter of perspective. One of the mentor couple joked during the course that we will always feel that we are the "wronged" one. How true!

Recently, while reading the book "Sacred Marriage", I have come to understand that it is possible for us to "hate" our love ones because the fact that they are our love ones means that we can be hurt real deep by them. Come to think about it, it's true isn't it, because it is after all the coming together of two sinful and imperfect people.

But whatever happens, God gives us the choice of who we choose to be our partner but then He gave us the 2 greatest commandments to love Him and our neighbours. Marriage, at the end of the day, is about romanticism and how happy I, me and myself am. So no matter what, we need to stick by what we chose.

No wonder 2 Cor 10:5 asks us to take captive of every thought to make it obedient to Christ... So, yes, I need to take the vow seriously and take captive of every thought to make it obedient to Him once I have chosen. I realised that I have the choice to make what we want to be affected and what not. At a recent staff devotion, someone shared about loving the person and disliking the behaviour and yes, I realised sometimes we need to remember that.

I also thank God for speaking to me from Jeremiah 42, reassuring me for this relationship.

Family-wise, I thank God for the work and miracles He has done in my family. It's amazing sometimes seeing how circumstances (even though bad ones sometimes) come together for the good of His plans. Now, my whole family is back in church worshipping the Lord and I can see changes happening in the family.

Ministry-wise, I thank God for all the work He has done and now, I have a thriving cell of about 12 regulars who are walking closely with the Lord. Everytime I see my cell, I am reminded of the "lows" I went through and how God continued to reassure me. And I really thank God whenever I see His people growing and walking with Him. It's also wonderful to hear testimonies of the many changed lives of the people in my cell, to see relationships changed, people with hurts being healed, God being so real in their lives and it is all these that keeps me walking myself Thank you Lord. I would never have seen myself here but I made it with You walking besides me all these while.

Work-wise, it's amazing seeing how everything turns out. Before the missin trip, I was getting real stressed up with work with the upcoming annual fundraisers coming up and so many other projects. But throughout the year, I can still see God providing... providing people to help me, providing resources and providing ideas... it's amazing seeing how I was able to survive the H1N1 epidemic and closure of the volunteer programme, successfully drafted a paper on engaging volunteers during crisis, finished development of the 4 years of development of the central database with our IT department and launching it to the whole organisation, successfully obtaining and managing a funding for my volunteer programme and now, working with a group of professional volunteers to do up an advert for my volunteer programme. All these I can only give credit to God because it is so clear that I would not have been able to accomplish all these without God.

I just came back from another day of shoot with my volunteers and it's amazing to see how professional people work to put an advert together. Till this day, I am still amazed how everything came together from the time I met their Vice President to talk about volunteering their skills to help shoot videos for us and how we are working together now to shoot something which would cost like at least $60,000. I thank God for the wonderful working partnership and it is such a joy to work with them, many of them being first time stepping into a charity. I thank God for their skills. I thank God for unity and joy while working together. But I enjoyed interacting with the people I met these few days of shoot. As I interacted with the volunteers, I have come to realise how everyone has a story and how God used the story to bring them to bless others. There were people coming from broken homes, from troubled backgrounds, from depression, people with their own sets of problems but yet choose to quietly bless others in their own capacity. Throughout the few days, I met a volunteer who suffers from cancer but maintains a cheerful disposition as she blesses our beneficiaries; another volunteer who lost her husband and son and all she has within a year and suffered from depression but chose to come to bless others and in turn be blessed; a unassuming and quiet gentleman, who used to be a triad leader but kept coming in and out of prisons but after accepting Christ, was able to kick his drug addiction and now run a food business and giving ex-offenders a second chance and two couples who volunteer together coming in week in week out, year in year out without fail. It is the lives of these people who make me love my job and find meaning in what I do. And I thank God for using me as one of the threads to weave everyone's life stories together that a wonderful tapestry comes together...

I thank God for the moments He had used me to minister to people and even reach out to people. It's amazing that how as I was reading from 1 Pet 3:15 "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have", God sent me someone today to ask me about church and the reason for my hope. And all I did is just share what God has done in my life, hoping it did sow a seed for her to think about God. I thank God for all the words He had given me to minister to people these few months.

Phil 4:13 "I can do everything through him who gives me strength. "

新年快乐!!

2009-01-25T14:49:00.003+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!! Hahaha, here comes the time of the year where relative will say "aiyoh, grown bigger ah", "when you getting married ah?" :D

贺新年/恭喜呀恭喜/恭喜恭喜/小拜年 - 普天同庆迎新年福音贺岁

新年到/迎春花/新年赞美主/一起去拜年 - 普天同庆迎新年福音贺岁

恭喜大家过新年/天上人间/春风吻上我的脸 - 普天同庆迎新年福音贺岁

祝福你/主恩宠/幸福年/太平年 - 普天同庆迎新年福音贺岁

赐福满满 - Chinese New Year 农历新年

大家恭喜 - Chinese New Year 农历新年

唯上帝 - Chinese New Year 农历新年

迎春花 - Chinese New Year 农历新年

新年好 - Chinese New Year 农历新年

岁岁安好 - Chinese New Year 农历新年

Remain in me, and I will remain in you.

2009-01-17T09:37:00.003+08:00

I always amaze at how God speaks throughout the week; to teach me object lessons about the topic to be discussed in cell that very week. It has been some time since I last felt this way, maybe it is also because cell had recently taken quite a long break.

This week, the sermon was on John 15:1-17, which gave the analogy of Jesus as the vine and how, we the branches, are to remain in the vine in order to be fruitful. And yup, at some point in the middle of the week, I just became so heavily weary that I had just wanted to call it quits for God's ministry; I had wanted to just let go of it all because it was becoming too tiring to care for people, to worry and be burdened for them, to get upset when I see people not walking closely with the Lord and yet not know what to do and I can do is just feel disappointed and even sometimes rejected. I was tired and weary and just as I was working on an life challenge with one member another crops up. Soon, I found myself asking if someone else would indeed do a better job than me because I had recently come to realisation that it is human lives we are talking about here.

But yet, if I take it objectively and think it through, it is true that God's purpose for this cell is indeed taking shape... I had slightly more than a year ago sensed from God that this cell was to be a cell for people to be restored; to be restored to Him and also to be restored after being beaten down in life. And from what I can see from what God is doing in the cell, I can really see it happening. And also, with all the various issues surfacing up, does it not show that people are opening up their personal lives for restoration? And hadn't I made a resolution to "be there for people" at the beginning of the year? Whoever mentioned that it would be easy? Someone has ever commented to me that my ministry seems "colourful" and indeed, as I reflect upon it, it is really by God's grace that I managed to survive through it all, all the highs and lows, the dramas in cell ministry. And I still strongly believe that God has a purpose for bringing the various people into this cell because the profile is so different and so is the calling.

But then, I had shared with KM on Thursday that though I still believe in God and trust in Him (because He had been so real in my life), I am just telling God that I can no longer take it. In the past, everytime there is a challenge, I will lift it up to Him and believe that His hands will be upon it. And yes, I can see how He works but then after a while, my confidence in myself in ministry just wanes and I ask God that I am not sure if I can hang on because I am not even sure what I am doing is indeed bearing fruit. Frankly, I do not have it easy either in my personal life and with all the challenges and also occasional unhappiness and misunderstanding between me and KM, I jst do not know how to proceed anymore.

But still, I thank God for bringing KM to my office on Thursday to just talk about it. She reminded me about the verse that brought my back to God, Jeremiah 29:11 (For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future), and I started asking myself why am I doubting when I can see God every step of the way? So, it began to got me thinking real hard again about the whole thing. KM has also made me realise once again that there are a lot of things which happen which I do not need to blame myself because they are conscious choice made by themselves and we have no control about it. I guess that is something I have to learn, not to self-blame for the decision of others. By the end of the week, I ended with the conviction again that I am going to walk right with God and just do my part, frankly, people, whether they choose to walk with the Lord or to walk with the Lord closely, it is their choice. All I can do is facilitate. God gave freewill in human to choose, just as the moment Adam and Eve chose to sin against God. Ultimately, if the Christian faith is to be a relationship with God the Father, then, in any relationship, one cannot force to love.

Just before cell started, I started to give thanks to God for everything that has happened this week:

I thank God for having the taxi driver bring back my wallet which I unknowingly lost and for helping me to be able to find him again through his company. Sent his company an email to thank him for what he did and it does feel good to send my thanks (since I was so blur the other time when I last saw him and did not know how to react)
I thank God that the pastor who I got disappointed with last Saturday wrote back to apologise for stumbling. Frankly, when I sent out the email on Monday, I was still a bit angry (though I had prayed for peace). But as I prayed, I asked God to help me pen the email and help me do it more with the purpose of edifying than venting my anger. I had sent out the email and had expected not to receive a response. But thank God the pastor responded and apologised. I guess the apology did comfort my heart to know that there is hope. We ended the email "conversation" wishes each other well.
I thank God for helping me with devotion on Tuesday and for giving me the analogy of the Christian faith being like the airport. Everything just fitted together nicely and I was amazed how it came together and how God gave me that analogy which, in my own opinion, helps to conceptualise and explain the Christian faith rather clearly to me. I am now in the midst of preparing it for devotion with the whole building 2 thursdays later and I am actually rather excited and have so many ideas how to carry it out. May God bless my preparation and use me to edify and encourage others.
I thank God for the cell coming together for prayers on Sunday and even though it was just a small group, I still thank God that the people had came together.
I thank God for being chosen to be featured as a graduate on my college website and how they have helped photoshopped my face so now it is smoother and less oily and shiny. Well but I still look fat hahaha.
I thank God for continuing to speak to me through Psalm 1 throughout the week for cell discussion yesterday. As I was typing the cell email on Wednesday night, Psalm 1 on the tree planted by streams of water came to mind. On the very next day, Psalm 1 was covered for my corporate devotion. Personally, I am blessed by the verse and it spoke of how I needed to continue to remain in God and be planted by "streams of water", as the tree had been, to be nourished.
I still thank God for wonderful colleagues
I thank God for bringing a volunteer to come to visit on Thursday and how we talked about our spiritual walk. I thank God for using me to encourage this volunteer and for also using him to show me about remaining in God's word. It was really evident that God used the session because I can tell He is present whenever conversations just flowed and I become amazed at the things I say; things that in the end also blessed me. Though I had not been prepared for the talk, God had helped me share about my own walk and how I had come to see God's word as powerful and also ministering, always at the right time. This young volunteer had shared how he is not part of any church (though he is looking) and how he is inspired by praise and worship music but finds reading the bible rather a chore. He was taught by someone that as long he prays, it will be OK. But I felt a prompting to share with him how I too jad struggle to read the bible but over the past 3 years, God had spoken through His word far too many times and soon it became cool to read His word because I had wanted to know what He had to say about certain things in my life and also to get to know Him better. And as I shared, stories of several people like Horatio Spafford, John Newton and Eric Liddell (as portrayed in the movie "Chariots of Fire") came to mind. I personally did not know how blessed he was but I personally was blessed through the words that God had gave me and spoken through my mouth.
I thank God for showing me, before cell started, that what has happened throughout the week, has showed me what it means to "remain in Him" (John 15:4) i.e. to remain in His WILL for me and my ministry and his WORK of reaching out to people, to remain in His WAY from my reflection on the disappointment with the pastor, to remain in His WORD from my reflection on my talk with the young volunteer, to remain in His WORSHIP even through the darkest of moments, remembering His faithfulness, grace, love, hope and promise.
I finally thank God for a fundraiser project that went well. Over the past few entries, I had mentioned how I had a terrible time managing the project last December but then as we came together to debrief with the staff, I thank God I was able to do up the debrief slides, to carry out the debrief confidently and to also motivate (I hope I did) with all the stories and affirmations from volunteers about the impact the project had on their lives. It was really great hearing some of the things that came out from my staff, who shared about their experience working with volunteers and how it was a joy working with them, how some of them became regular volunteers, donors and also supporters etc. I really feel great that after 3 years of hard work developing the programme, some are beginning to get the potential of volunteerism.

And cell went wonderfully well yesterday with many unexpecteds. Firstly, I thank God for putting into my heart to sing a beautiful song which I had heard recently, 有一位神，when I visited a colleague's mother's wake. As we talked at the Buddhist wake, my colleague shared how her siblings and family had allowed her to sing and pray for her late mother and when I saw the lyrics, something just spoke in my heart how maybe this song can be used at cell tonight. But I was doubtful because we have never sang Chinese worship songs before and I am not sure if the others know how to sing.

Anyway, the other amazing thing is how my cell is also one of the unique cells in my zone with young working adults and English speaking but has recently conducted our sessions in both English and mandarin. When I think back how everyone understood and felt at ease about sharing in both languages, it was just amazing.

Anyway, I thank God how when I went to the cell and when I asked about the lyrics, KM's mum actually had the lyrics. And KM chose yet another song, 一切歌颂赞美. Yesterday was so cool, singing 2 Chinese worship songs and 2 English worship songs.

有一位神

一切歌颂赞美

Spirit Touch Your Church

There are still so many things I want to thank God for cell:

I thank God how the 2 Chinese worship song was timely because I actually found myself asking both KM's mother and sister to join us for cell for the first time and they agreed.
I thank God that things just flowed during cell discussion and the words just came and people shared
I thank God how both KM's mother and sister also shared
I thank God for being confident in leading cell yesterday
I thank God how another sister-in-christ shared about her struggle... both me and KM had been very concerned about how she was and we both, in a way, pretended that everything was the same to help make her feel comfortable. But it was great to hear her share her struggle during the sharing and how the sisters prayed for her later. I think it might also had been timely because her husband was away for his company D&D and maybe that opened her up in a timely manner to share her struggle.
I thank God how she shared about how she is trying to cope with the struggle she is facing and how the love and grace of God had propelled her in surprising ways. I also thank God when she shared about how God answered them in a timely manner during their devotion time on Thursday evening when her husband started to doubt God and said there is no hope but the devotion just happens to be on having hope in God.
I thank God that the Chinese worship CD which I had bought for this sister-in-christ came in handy and how it comforted her during this difficult period
I thank God how I had the opportunity to speak to a brother-in-christ yesterday and for once saw him like opening himself up again and was able to pray for him. I had been rather affected by this brother and worried but also angry because I felt he wanted to go separate ways from God.
I thank God when I hear how KM's situation at work turned around a bit and again how the love of God helped her in it.
I thank God for all the material that I had been able to find for this discussion from Our Daily Bread, the worship songs, the analogy given by my sister about how the Velcro is useless when alone but is only useful when it is stuck to one another (another parallel to the vine and branches analogy) and the verse from Psalm 1.

At the end of the day, there were just too many coincidences and I thank God for working in all the various ways I had seen Him work throughout the week. Thank you Lord.

Potential of Volunteerism

2009-01-12T22:27:00.002+08:00

3 years in volunteer management and I am beginning to see the real potential of having a good volunteer programme especially for non-profit organisations:

Strategy to Fulfill Mission - Provides the organisation with an platform to fulfill its mission through the engagement of volunteers in helping to contribute to, extend and enrich the care of their clients
Access to Skills & Giftings - Allows the organisation access to all the possible skills available in the community
Volunteers as Beneficiaries - Through the past few years of working as a volunteer programme manager, I have also seen how volunteers' lives have been changed, even though indirectly and how volunteering has helped them to not only spend their time meaningfully, find meaning in life, make friends, learn skills, find their life partners, gain a different perspective to life, feel good as they see others give, gain experience for work in the non-profit sector, fulfill voluntary hours, beef up their resumes etc
Volunteers as potential donors & supporters - The statistics are in and the IPC study by NVPC confirms that volunteers are more likely to donate than non-volunteers maybe because they are "getting their hands dirty" and have a chance to see and experience the work of the organisation they are supporting. The volunteer programme also provides current donors with the be involved in an non-financial manner. Many vounteers who helped us with our fundraisers expressed that they better appreciate how difficult it is to fundraise.
Volunteerism as potential staff - I have also come to realise how volunteers are also potential staff especially after many volunteers enquiring about career opportunities after a recent fundraising project. Come to think about it, with former volunteers being staff, there might also be more committment at work since they would have already know the organisation they are joining as staff and volunteerism would also give the organisation the opportunity to observe potential staff at work.
Volunteerism helping to maintain transparency - In a way, the volunteer programme may also indicate the openness of an organisation; the more volunteers an organisation engages seems to also show that they have nothing to fear and how the organisation is open to members of public to come not only to partner them but also to observe them at work.
Volunteers as ambassadors and recruiters - Maintain a good volunteer programme and ensuring proper partnership with volunteers will also increase ambassadors and recruiters so the next time the organisation needs volunteers, current volunteers will help in getting their friends in.
Volunteers as potential leaders both in the organisation and outside the organisation

I have come to appreciate how when organisations invest in their human resources and their volunteer programmes, will go a long way...

Through It All

2009-01-12T12:37:00.005+08:00

Keep on Blogging... :D
Hmmm, it's a new year and so I am really hoping that I can come back in more often to journal... have found back the joy of blogging, mainly because it helps me to put my life in perspective as I reflect on the happenings in life and frankly, it is also exciting that sometimes through it all, I can see God work. But then, one thing I have to admit that, given all that is on my "plate" now and with a new relationship, I do have to balance things because the reality is that I do not have as much time as often to come in and blog. And especially since I have made a resolution to be there for people more, that would means to say there is going to be a shift in my priorities. So blogging, unfortunately, would have to be lower in my list of priorities. In anyway, still hope to be able to come in often, if not regularly, to journal and reflect... I still like that.

The past week had been a little exciting with many things happening:

7 Jan 2009 (Wed) - Wow, I finally managed to get myself started gyming again and stop procrastinating about the whole thing. After all, I paid so much for the gym and especially after how they handled my suspension request, the more I wanted to make sure I used the gym. Wow, still sound a bit upset but then hahaha, nonetheless, felt that maybe it will also be good since I am not getting any younger and could do with more exercise. And since I have the gym membership, why not? Over the months, managed to cut down my weight a bit from 92kg to 89kg :D (but it's probably due to stress more than anything else since I have not been working out at the gym for the longest time). But yet, different people tell me different things: "you have put on weight" vs "you have lost weight"... confusing...

8 Jan 2009 (Thu) - Today marks the first day I took the bold step to meet my cell members to catch up. I had always fear asking people out one-to-one because I fear that there is nothing to say to one another since I am such an introvert. And yeah, it was really so... there was awkward silence in the beginning but then as time went by, we shared things and I had been able to understand my cell member more. A good start to my new resolution to focus on people more this year. I thank God for helping with everything. Now I have to think who else I need to connect with :D

Today, KM is also rushing her assignment to be completed by tomorrow. Frankly, it does pain me a lot to see her all stressed up about her assignment. And I know she had also been kept away from working on her assignment because of her lethargy at work, volleyball practice and also ministry so by this time, I was getting real worried for her. But thank God, she managed to get "off" tomorrow so she would be having a little more time to work on her assignment. After meeting up with my cell member, bought coffee for her, hoping to motivate her. Reached her house at 9 but then soon after meeting her, our AO called us to discuss about ministry and that conversation took almost an hour. So by the time we finished the conversation, I prayed for her and bid her goodbye...

Also thank God for speaking to me today about encouraging my cell members. For the past few days, I have been sensing a strong prompting to pray for my cell members (although I do not know specifically what some of them are going through). But I sensed that quite a few are going through challenges and prayed to God to show me how to encourage them. The first day I prayed, I flipped open my devotional and it was on the book of Job and about responding to adversities. The very next day, I prayed again and randomly opened my bible to a short devotional and well, it was about the book of Job again. And God later also brought me 2 verses from Isaiah 40 about adversities which interestingly fitted well... Thank God for the timely verses and managed to send an email to my cell with what God has set in my heart. Do not know if it made any difference but then I trust in God and just did what I felt I was prompted to do. Hope it ministered (though I received a sms from one of my friends saying I was "naggy").

9 Jan 2009 (Fri) - Today is the 7th month of knowing KM. But then since she was rushing her assignment and I had leaders' meeting later on in the night at church, we decided to celebrate our month-sary on Sunday instead. It was a happy day. In the morning, I received a message from KM telling me she has completed her assignment and was on her way to submit the assignment. Not sure why but then I felt a strong sense of relief, both for her as well as for myself. I have to admit that the past few weeks have not been easy because she had been stressed and it was painful to see her that way. And it did not help that while she was stressed, so was I and I did feel a bit bad not being able to support her much being in such a stressed up state myself. So when she mentioned she has completed her assignment, you can imagine how elated I was. Did not have time to get her a bouquet but got her 3 stalks of pink roses and I think I blushed when her mum asked me what 3 stalks of roses meant. :D

Later that day after lunch, I managed to finish printing all the 300 letters to certify my volunteers' involvement in a recent fundraising project. I thank God that I was able to pull it off successfully because all my colleagues chipped in to help in the "production line" (as they would fondly call this kind of work) and help me slot the letters into the envelop. As I saw how everyone responded to request for help, I once again thank God for this group of colleagues who are ever so genuine and helpful. I thank God for each and everyone of them and pray that this friendship with them will last.

Then later that day, I was supposed to work on the last 3 month's report and 4th quarter report on volunteer management to our organisation's management meeting because I had been putting it off for sometime, with all the projects I was busy with. Frankly, I have always enjoyed doing reports because, even though it is really tedious getting the report done, it bears witness to how much God has helped me through and blessed me through my work ministry, without fail. Everytime I look at the completed reports and it becomes clear that with all that is achieved, it could not have been me myself but with God's grace...

Over the past 3 months, with half a manpower's help from my colleague, we had been able to work with close to 400 volunteers, survived through the whole fundraising project which worked with another 600 volunteers, discussed and prepare the relevant reports and materials for a funding programme, send Christmas greetings to all our partners and volunteers, celebrated International Volunteer Managers Day and International Volunteer Day, attend to other organisation's study tour of our volunteer programme, work on the budget for the new year, make refinements to the volunteer management forms... wow! It has been 3 crazy months but I just find it amazing I was able to sustain through all these... glory to God!

That evening, I was to attend the leaders' meeting to hear our Senior Pastor share the direction for 2009. The ministry leaders will always do this every year and this is also a time to renew our commitments as leaders to shepherding God's flock. For the past 2 years, I have always struggled with the decision whether to continue with cell ministry but the funny thing this year is that, despite knowing how challenging it can gets sometimes in cell ministry, I signed the covenant without much hesitation. Something in me went "God, I have seen you at work through all these times, transforming lives and also blessing others through me. You have seen me through all these times and despite all the pains and challenges, I still trust in You and believe in the purpose you have for this cell to reach out to hurting people, misled and backslided people. I have seen it. You yourself has also drawn me closer to You and I just love to be part of what You are doing. In fact, it is always so cool to see You at work... things which I know is more than coincidence because there just are too many 'coincidences'". And so, yes, I am here to stay, knowing that the road may not be smooth-going. Nonetheless, I did pray for Him to allow my ministry to take shape this year and for things to be smooth going. Whatever it is, still I will trust in Him.

Through It All (Acoustic), - Hillsong

Through It All
You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You

I will sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
Im carried in everlasting arms
Youll never let me go
Through it all

Hallelujah, hallelujah

Oh yes, after cell that day, went home with my sister and the blur me left my wallet in the cab. At 12 plus, past midnight, my doorbell went off and it did get me a bit puzzled who it could be at this hour. I struggled to the door and the cabbie asked with a deep voice "codfishy? you left your wallet behind". I was caught by surprise and said nothing as I took over the wallet, not knowing what to say next because I did not even realise I lost my wallet. Before long, the cabbie turned and walked away. When my dad found out about it, he asked if I had gave him a few dollars to reward him for the effort. But it was only then did I realised what I had not done. But thank God for a honest cabbie. If I am not wrong, I vaguely remember his name and will be writing to his company to commend him.

A recent incident at work made me wonder if I am a person who is really very stubborn and who speaks very harshly?

10 Jan (Sat) - Yeah! Stitch-Giver is getting married today! Woke up early in the morning because I needed to be back in my office by 9am to help with car park marshalling because her wedding would be held there. Managed to reach there slightly past 9 and as I was walking to office, met one of my friends who was on her way to run some errands. The interesting thing was how later, we realised that she had forgotten her keys home and so, I can only say that it was timely that we met each other and we just spent the afternoon away reminiscing old times and talking about our friendships, relationships and also briefly about our spiritual walk. I still thank God for the timely catching-up because I do not go to office in Saturdays and it was just great to be able to meet up with her and catch up. Hope God had used me to encourage her as He had used her to encourage me in relationship.

I do not know why but it seems like this year, I kept being asked to do car park marshalling for weddings. Just within 2 months, I will be doing car park marshal duty for 2 of my friend's wedding. But then, I must say that it was quite an experience and it did make me appreciate my church car park marshalls more. I have come to appreciate how they have to sometimes face difficult people. Other than 2 person who made things difficult for us, the rest were OK and cooperated with us. There was this gentleman who drove his car right in despite us telling him that there are no lots. I realised that I was not assertive enough but still I thank God that there were no hiccups and God brought another 4 people to help me. I also thank God for keeping me safe because several times I realised how I was standing so close to the cars that the tyres could have just went over my feet. But thank God I am OK.

There was one incident which disturbed me quite a bit... There was someone who drove up to us and I gestured for him to stop his car. When he wound down his window, I realised he was one of the tenant pastors who is renting a place in our organisation. The moment he wound down his window, he looked at me with this stern look and asked "what's the problem?" and when my friend came over and assured him that his lot is still available, he exclaimed "I am a tenant, why was I not informed about this function?" I was rather disappointed that a leader of God would behave in this manner. I am just someone who is a volunteer and one who would like to bless a friend for her wedding. Is there a need to be so ungracious. Frankly, I was rather disappointed, angry and disturbed by his remarks and I think I was affected the whole day... as a cell leader, I have learnt from God to love His people, be humble and gracious (though I still fall short in many ways) but his reactions really disgust me... I guess maybe that's why some mentioned that I looked rather deep in thought the whole day...

But nonetheless, I am still very happy to see my friend getting married :D

11 Jan (Sun) - I kind of look forward to meeting KM today because we are going to celebrate our month-sary. Though we still have little small conflicts here and there, we are still learning to be with each other. I thank God for helping us through the seasons of our relationship. And today, we will be celebrating God's faithfulness in our relationship for the past 7 months. Today, I was late again for 15 minutes because I had stood and waited for the Downtown East shuttle bus for close to 15 minutes but it did not come. But thank God that though KM seemed a little unhappy, there was no conflict about it.

Felt a prompting to pray for our cell members and I was able to get quite a few members to gather outside the worship centre after service to pray for one another... one of my members shared a miracle about how after he prayed for one of his wayward brother, an opportunity suddenly came for him to sit down peacefully with him this morning to talk things through and share Christ with him. It was also amazing how this brother actually for the first time listened and changed a little after the talk. It was even more amazing how he made his way to my member's house and described how he was lost but remember there was a church near his house and it eventually led him to his house. And it was amazing how he was also open to visiting the church. Maybe God is finally doing something in his life. For me, it is always inspiring to hear him share because though he is a new believer, I can already see how his life has changed so much and how he is in turn having so much passion to want to share Christ with his family and to see lives change. Seriously, he puts me to shame sometimes... Though I had been a little disappointed earlier this morning when I learnt that 4 of my friends had skipped service but his sharing inspired me.

Halfway through the prayer, we heard screaming and it was really scary because it seemed that someone was doing deliverance. And what made me shrivel more is that I realised how I had been praying for the same person moments ago and would he had manisfested, I would not have known what to do. But thank God that as we prayed, KM prayed for the person screaming away and as soon as we stopped, the screaming soon stopped too... I really hope the person is OK.

That evening, we went to celebrate our month-sary and watched Bedtime Stories. Though it had been a simple outing and there was a call in between to provide ministry support, I still enjoyed the night out with KM.

12 Jan (Mon) - Today, I made a decision and sent an email out to the Pastor to share how I felt about his behaviour. Though I pray and did not feel as angry as Saturday, I still made the decision to send the email. Frankly, I am not sure if I made the right choice sending the email but there is a part of me who wanted to express my anger and yet another part in me who wanted to edify by bringing this to his attention, hoping he will pay attention to it. But yet, there is the other part in me which wondered who I am to correct him and whether I am really doing it for the right reasons. Whatever the reason, I do not expect him to respond.

Work “Thumbs-Up” & Ministry Hmmmm

2009-01-08T00:33:00.001+08:00

It’s always the same thing… sometimes I don’t understand why my work always seems to be going well but then it is always conversely true for my ministry. Sometimes, I do not understand why work is much easier than ministry.

Connecting with Volunteers

Today, I had a wonderful time connecting with volunteers. First, I was supposed to conduct a debrief for a team of students’ fundraising project for us and frankly speaking, I do not have the confidence to properly conduct a debrief at all. But everything just went on smoothly and within the 2 hours of debrief, we all just kept talking and candidly sharing observations, feedback on what could be better, what went well and also addressed challenges… actually I really enjoy working with this group of students because they really inspire me with their passion and effort put into this project which raised about $10,000 for us. Though it might be considered relatively a smaller amount as compared to the amount raised by our other fundraising efforts, but this is a student’s effort and they have worked really long hours to raise this amount and it is really good effort. They could have spent their holidays having fun rather than doing this for us. So I am really inspired by them and grateful. So I thank God for helping me to really enjoy connecting to this group of volunteers and joking while debrief… everything just went on smoothly and I spoke confidently, guiding the debrief process and was also quite extrovert.

Then, in the afternoon, I got a sms from another one of my volunteers who called to inform me that he and his family are moving to Shanghai… kind of feel comfortable talking to this volunteer (though he is much older than me) because he is always so friendly and humourous and sometimes when he could not get me, he would send me a sms using his 3-year old daughter’s name e.g. “uncle codfishy, daddy say you must be busy because he called you just now but can’t get you” or “uncle codfishy, can I volunteer with my daddy and mummy?” :D funny guy la. Anyway, I am beginning to build relationships with my volunteers more even though most of them are over the phone. Frankly, we can be talking over the phone or email but I have never seen them before. Though last year’s year-end fundraiser project was a nightmare but then I made a lot of “friends” over the phone and many still email to share with me their experience and also sign up for more projects. Also got a “thank you” email from another gentleman today sharing with me his experience helping us with fundraising last year-end and his account was beautifully written. His, and the other volunteer’s sharing has really humbled me and yet made me glad to I am able to become friends with some of them, even though we have never met and only spoke over the phone. Frankly, their willingness to help, including the one who is going to Shanghai (he was recently retrenched but yet continue to help us by volunteering with his family), really warms my heart. I think no other job really make me feel this way before.

I also thank God for receiving an affirmation from my boss for 2 projects I have handled recently but frankly, whenever I look back, I am still amazed how much I had achieved at work. But then, sometimes, I ask myself why I am able to be rather “successful” at work but then ministry seems to be laid with so many challenges. Recently, I am beginning to sense that some of my members are going through some challenges and sometimes the feeling that “you are the cell leader but what are you doing about it?” comes back and I will feel bad about myself… it is a passing thingy la and I will always feel for my members but yet do not know how to help them… I pray but then I wonder if I am praying enough? I want to talk to them but sometimes the messages I send, I do not know how to express care and I also lack the courage to ask them out… And recently, KM is rushing her assignment and she seems to be having difficulty finishing it and it does pains my heart to see her this way but yet I do not knowing how to support her. Sometimes, feel that maybe I should go down to her house but then the practical side of me will say things like “it’s too far away”, “it’s late”, “you need to work tomorrow”, “if you go down will you distract her” keeps coming back. I just hope she will be able to finish it soon.

Reflecting 2008

2009-01-04T21:14:00.004+08:00

New Year = Reflections & Hope

Anyway, I always kind of like new years, starting from a few years ago. It is the time of the year when I can sit back and reflect on all that has happened in the past year while the promise of better things to come and hope in the new year stands awaiting. As I sit here and reflect on the past year, I come to realized how so much has happened last year. I must admit that it hasn’t been an easy year at all but yet, it has also been filled with many blessings and happy firsts. This is the year in which I first got into a relationship (and had my first "breakup" too), the year which I had been asked to share and present to management people on volunteer management, the year which I had been able to share my testimony in front of a church of 2000 people, the year which I experienced going to a "glam glam" photoshoot and featured as a graduate on my college's website (thank God for the affirmation)...

Health

Health-wise, it hasn’t been an easy year at all. Starting with my diagnosis of slip-disc earlier in the year, the year has been marked with many trips to the hospital for therapy and follow-ups. Not only that, I had also found myself falling ill many many times in the year, constantly consulting the doctor for high fever, bad cold, inflammation of the throat, then having pain in my left wrist while limping around because of my slip-disc. It did not help that I had restless nights because of the pain in my leg, caused by the slip-disc. Throughout the year, I have taken tons of medical leave and had even used up my medical claim from work way in the earlier part of the year. But then, I still thank God that I had been able to recover from it all and to date, apart from the minor ailments, everything is fine. As for my slip-disc, I am relatively better nowadays and at least I am no longer limping around and walking rather normally now.

Personal Life

Personal life wise, I thank God for blessing me with a relationship. For many years, I had contemplated singlehood because of certain issues in my life which kept me from wanting to get into a relationship. But I thank God for bringing KM into my life. For the first time, I took the courage to ask someone on Valentine’s Day if she is keen to develop a relationship with me but having thought that she is not keen, I did pursue further. And finally came the time when I had to deal with my liking for her but yet not knowing for sure if she is keen in me and just when I wanted to give up, God spoke to me thorugh quiet time. I thank God for continuing to provide opportunities for us to get together. Today, I am still amazed whenever I think how God has brought us together - through a conflict. Barely 7 months into knowing one another, we are still getting to know one another even more. Sure, there are times where the going gets tough and it really makes me want to give up because I could not take the pain of conflicts, but by and by, we are both getting to know one another more and enjoying each another’s company more. Though with occasional unhappiness, I thank God for how He has always guided through, speaking to us through people, circumstances and also our quiet time. Particularly, I thank God for bringing us through the initial phase when we faced with some difficulties when we got together and how some reacted to our getting together. That period was very tough for both of us because neither of us had wanted to see people emotionally affected by us coming together but I thank God He had helped us through. Just last week, we had officially “proclaimed” to our cell group that we are together (even though people knew all along). In fact, this year is not only the first time I fall in love and got into a relationship, but it is also the first time I had a breakup. It was a very painful experience for both of us but again, I thank God for bringing people into our lives to minister to us. We now agree to walk on no matter what and trust that God will be the Lord of our relationship.

I appreciate KM for who she is; her caring and self-sacrificial nature, her heart for God and His people, her cheerful and positive personality. I have to admit that there is much joy in my life after getting together with her and there had also been changes to the person I am… Someone has once reminded me that God can use relationships to help each other grow into how God wants us to be. I have to admit that there had been much changes in my life ever since I have got into this relationship, changes for the better. I could finally know how it feels like to share life with a loved one. To think that I had even thought of being single forever but God dealt with me… Even though sometimes I might doubt myself and feel that I am a horrible boyfriend, not knowing how to be romantic and all, but she is always there to assure me and understand me for who I am…

In fact, the thought of being with KM and sharing life with her does excites me… I long to be able to start a family together with her and we are talking more and more about the future now. After recently being caught by one of those bridal shows, I started to worry about our wedding and boy it seems costly to put together a wedding; the wedding reception, the dinner, the gown and bridal shots, the home, renovations etc… I am starting to worry where I am going to get the money from, but I believe that we will take it a step at a time and I will do my best to save for the wedding. Although she had mentioned that we can have a simple wedding, I really want to give her a memorable wedding… I just pray for God’s blessings to keep us growing in the relationship with Him.

Ministry

Ministry-wise, it had been a really really tough year but then again, I have never been stretched so much. I have come to realize how I have grown much spiritually and trust in God more… this year, I had seen God at work in my members and seen how God had placed people in our paths for a reason. Whenever I look at my cell, I am just amazed at what God has done: Towards the end of 2007, God had spoken to me about how this cell was to be a place for people who needed solace from past hurts and how the cell would be a blessing to them, even though some may come and go. I have seen how this has come to pass and had even received a promise from Him when I did my quiet time while planning for cell for 2009. I had seen how He continues to use me to minister and also brought different people with different giftings into the cell to help this cell grow. From the initial 3 persons, this cell has, within a year, grown into a cell with 10 regulars sharing lives, with people still coming to visit. I thank God for speaking to me week after week as I prepared for cell discussions and for guiding me. I also thank God for showing me what cell life is really about when He used both me and KM to minister to different members outside cell during different points in lives of members. It made us realize that it is by no accident that certain people are in our cell.

Of course, things are all not that rosy. I had also found myself feeling hurt many times along the way; by people who stop coming to cell, by people who challenged me about where the cell is going, by people telling me that cell did not meet their needs. 2008 was also the year when God helped me to see how cell group is about life transformation when I saw a member smiled radiantly for the first time in many months. But then, months later, my world came crashing down when I started to realize that the life transformation that I saw in this person is not real at all; all the while, this person was pretending. This has affected me so much, so much so I had an exchange with this person in front of 2 foreign delegates to our church. I became bitter the next few weeks and expressed to God how disappointed I was with the situation. I started doubting how much fruit I am bearing in ministry. It took God to remind me that there is indeed growth taking place in cell and through cell, although sometimes it may not be the way I expected it. And it seems that God knows that this would happened and had, during the same period, brought another cell member into my life to remind me how the ministry is bearing little fruits. I am so happy whenever I see this new believer in my cell growing with his wife. It warms my heart when I hear him share about how life has changed for him and his family after accepting the Lord… Although I am still bitter at times when I think of the member whose life transformation is all “pretend”, but my concern for this member forbade me to give up and I just feel a need to pray even more for this member. I am just telling myself I am not going to give up and will keep providing this cell for this member to work through issues this member has to work with.

Life, Leadership and Spiritual Lessons

Besides all these, God has also taught me several more things about servant leadership and serving His people. Over the months, He has taught and shown me:

His heart for His people from John 10: 1-16, John 17 and also John21: 15-17 and how as His servant leaders, we are to have compassion for His people as He does. At the Global Leadership Summit which I attended this year, we were brought through a reflection on why are they hurting people out there but yet we are blessed with so much? Hasn’t God called Abraham to be a blessing to the nations? How should we respond then? ;
How others can bless me when He surprisingly sent a new believer to minister to me when I had a breakup with KM. For a long time, I had always felt that I AM the leader and I ministered to people. But little did I ever expect to be ministered to by a new believer. But then God humbled me and made me realize how He had intended us to be in a community for this very reason; to help build each other up, despite our spiritual age… I have learnt a long time that leaders are not exempted from trials and from being stumbled and this was like an extension of that very lesson, that even leaders need ministering to.
How I needed to give people opportunity to take responsibility for their walk with God. As a leader, I could only facilitate their relationship with God only so much, any more, I would be robbing the members of their responsibility to walk with God. I always blame myself when I see people walk away or backslide but something inside me reminds me that ultimately, people had to take responsibility for their own walk. I am reminded of what I told one of my former members… “Christianity is about relationship with God and I cannot develop this relationship on your behalf”. The Lord transforms lives but it is really the choice of the individual on whether they want to “let go and let God”. I can only be an agent to the people for God and reaching out to them but the rest depends on the individual. Several people has come and gone from my cell and this has made me feel real bad. But then I am reminded again that relationship with God is ultimately relationship with God. Yes, sometimes I blame myself for not doing enough to facilitate their relationship with God but then how much is enough? It is tough to balance this but then I am still trying.
How the Christian faith is not just another religion but about RELATIONSHIP with God and life transformation (of self and others). It is really about bringing people back to what God had intended for them to be; to have God in their lives and to enjoy fellowship with God. But man, having sinned and chose to live apart from what God had intended. But God did not allow for man to just walk away and has provided Christ to pay the consequences of their sin so they can reconciled to God. But it is not only about REDEMPTION and RECONCILIATION but also about RESTORATION as God transforms a life as the person learns to walk RIGHTEOUSLY. But Christianity is not only about enjoying one’s walk with the Lord. No, it is not so selfish, but it is also about seeing God’s heart for people and eventually, upon appreciating the love and grace of God, allows him/herself to be used by God to RECEIVE others into His kingdom. Over the years, I have come to realize God’s love and come to experience the joy of having Him in my life. It was starkly different from the time I backslided. The whole bible began to make much sense. After all, did not the bible speak of the 2 greatest commandment of loving God and His people? It is about bringing hope and life to people than anything else. It is about RELATIONSHIP above anything else rather than about killing people or trying to earn your salvation through works (though this is important). But, as Jesus said “first clean the inside, then the outside will be clean” so does it translates that when we love God and His people, we naturally will do good. Our salvation is given by the grace of God and is not earned. Christianity, at the end of the day, is not about selfish religion for self or believing so that we will be blessed or win 4D but it is about having a RELATIONSHIP with God and His people.
How my heart for God’s people has grown over the months so much so, it is painful seeing people who are not walking closely with the Lord or who has not yet known the Lord. I struggle with this pain constantly but remember that it was not so many months ago. I remember how in the past, I was so selfish and had wanted to just enjoy worshipping with the Lord, not wanting to take up cell leadership. And even when I took it up, I had lamented to the Lord for the difficulties and had asked Him why He is making it so difficult for me. Well, I still do ask these questions occasionally but less so now. Nowadays, I realize that my hearts aches for people. And when I see people coming to the Lord or responding to altar call, my heart becomes so glad and I often find myself smiling. I always remember how my heart wrenched when I was praying for a youth at the altar as he sobbed away but was filled with joy when I saw his heart to want to walk with the Lord closely.
Any leader of the Lord points people back to the Lord and gives counsel which brings life and hope and bring people back to God.

I continue to thank God for continuing to be so real to me, speaking to me through quiet time on my own walk, rebuking me whenever I sinned (just like how there was a time I sinned and as I prayed and asked for forgiveness, He spoke to me through John 21 and brought me a sign, bus 153, to assure me that I am forgiven) and how He spoke through my devotion when I asked if He is real.

Work

I also thank God for all the blessings He had given me, from a close-knitted department where every member of the department are so genuine, to close friends who are always there when I need them, to my promotion this year and also bonus. I also thank God for various favours at work too. I continue to be affirmed by people how I seemed to be doing well at this portfolio where the Lord has called me to 3 years ago. I thank God how I had been asked to share about volunteer programme management at forums and also publications. I thank God for seeing me through the recent fundraising project which had saw me falling terribly ill when things got a bit hectic and I was working for 12 hours or more a day. It was the most nightmarish period of my work life so much so there was one point in time I was walking about like a zombie and was hyperventilating, had trembling hands and even wanted to scream out in office… but thank God, I survived through it all and God provided volunteers for our project and how we managed to raised quite a substantial amount with the help of volunteers despite the economic crisis. I also thank God for encouraging me when people and volunteers shared with me their stories of how they and their families were blessed because of the volunteering experience. This year, I had also come to know how our volunteer programme has also helped someone come out of depression. Praise the Lord! Even though I had not been directly involved in the case of the volunteer coming out of depression, I thank God constantly for bringing me to this job and for letting me play a small part in such life-changing experiences from the volunteer programme. Little would I expect that volunteer programmes would also make a difference in volunteers’ lives themselves. I thank God for an understanding boss who is always so encouraging and understanding, someone who appreciates what I am doing and affirms me. I thank God for brothers and sisters-in-Christ at work who are focused on serving the Lord and who bless me with their skills and giftings at work, serving unselfishly. I thank God for seeing my colleague who has worked in the organization for more than 10 years now has accepted Christ and how she seemed to be growing well in the Lord and even encouraged me through devotion last week.

Rounding Up

As I round up my reflection for 2008, I look forward to 2009 with much hope and ask for God to continue to grant me wisdom and discernment in my ministry and interaction with others and ask that God also help me to continue have humility, courage to share and even confront, compassion for His people and also joy. One of my resolutions this year (I have long given up on a whole list of resolutions) is simply to care more for people rather than work. I feel guilty everytime I seemed to be so busy with this and that sometimes I neglected my family, friends and cell members and even strangers I meet. I resolve to be there for people this year. I guess it was a life-changing exercise I did during one of my volunteer management training which has helped me clarified that that was what matters most. We were asked to first write down our 10-15 years goal and then told to reprioritize them assuming we only had 3 years. Then subsequently we were to reflect on our goals if we only had 1 year left. I guess reality stared me in the eyes and clarified what mattered most… not money, not job, not promotion, but most of all, at peace with God and being there for people. I am not sure how successful I will be but I will try. Already, I thank God for helping me as I met up with a depressed friend this morning. I prayed to God before the meeting because I can be quite impatient with this friend, having said all I could say and having chastised him through the years. During Christmas, as I shopped for gift, I felt a prompting to buy a particular Christian book for this friend (although he is rather against Christianity and disliked being invited to church). I felt a prompting and even though I did not meet him during Christmas, still managed to pass his Christmas gift to him today. Even though he had not agreed to join me for service, I thank God he is reading the book I gave him and pray God will change his life and help him out of his depression.

May God keep me through 2009 and may I come out of it victoriously.

"Be strong and courageous"

2008-11-02T01:32:00.003+08:00

Psalm 23:
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Is there something you are fearing, just as there are so many things that I fear too? But time and time again, the word of God assures that God is always around, several times asking us to "be strong and (very) courageous":

Deuteronomy 31:6
Deuteronomy 31:7
Deuteronomy 31:23
Joshua 1:6
Joshua 1:7
Joshua 1:9
Joshua 1:18
Joshua 10:25
1 Chronicles 22:13
1 Chronicles 28:20
2 Chronicles 32:7

Exodus 14:13
"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today.

2 Chronicles 20:17
You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.' "

Psalm 20:7-8
Some trust in chariots and some in horses,but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. They are brought to their knees and fall,but we rise up and stand firm.

Proverbs 10:25
When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever.

Isaiah 7:9
The head of Ephraim is Samaria, and the head of Samaria is only Remaliah's son. If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all.' "

1 Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

1 Corinthians 16:13
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.

2 Corinthians 1:24
Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, because it is by faith you stand firm.

2 Corinthians 1:21
Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ.

Galatians 5:1
[ Freedom in Christ ] It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Ephesians 6:14
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,

Philippians 4:1
Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends!

Colossians 4:12
Epaphras, who is one of you and a servant of Christ Jesus, sends greetings. He is always wrestling in prayer for you, that you may stand firm in all the will of God, mature and fully assured.

2 Thessalonians 2:15
So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter.

James 5:8
You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord's coming is near.

Wrestling with God

2008-11-01T23:15:00.007+08:00

Jacob Wrestles With God (Genesis 32:22-31, NIV)
22. That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. 23. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. 24. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 25. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. 26. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

27. The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.

28. Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

29. Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

30. So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

31 The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. 32 Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

"I Will Give 'Chapter 2' a Try"
It hasn't been an easy week and I had been wrestling with my decision to conclude my relationship with KM. And that wrestle just got worst and worst because I was starting to wonder if indeed I was going against God's will (after all, He blessed us and brought us together) but on the other hand, it was just getting painful. Then after a talking to by my AO, although I was rather defensive as to what he said, it did make me think about what he mentioned. This, after a friend's earlier question "do you still love her?". By the end of yesterday, I had decided to give "Chapter 2" a try.

GOD: "Your Ways Are Not My Way"
But today, I was beginning to think "it's not worth it, so just give up since it seems nice going back to my old lifestyle". I was very bent on hanging on to the decision. Nonetheless, I spoke to God and ask Him to show me His will but then by mid day, there was still no clear indication through reading His word. My sister had been nagging at me to "reconsider reconsider". So, this morning, while on the way from my photoshoot in college, I sent a sms telling her that I am not going to try "Chapter 2" because it is just painful... She responded that she is just going to let "Big Boss" (God) deal with me. She later sent me encouraging me from today's Daily Bread reading: "From today's daily bread... what we think is best is not necessarily the best that God desires for us. Isaiah 55:8 "my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways". I also sent a sms to my AO telling him my new decision that I am going to stick to my decision of concluding the relationship. But nonetheless, he replied to say that he will wait for my "change of mind" sms... Deep inside me, I was thinking "what you mean 'change of mind sms' because my mind is made up".

GOD: "My Promise or Your Old Life?"
I went for my college photoshoot and then went to another AO's baby first month birthday celebration. I began to find it interesting why everytime I go through a major relationship decision, God always put me in situations such as a friend's wedding just hours before deciding to get into relationship with KM and now, seeing the little baby has just made me wonder if I will ever start a family. I dismissed the thought. As I was walking to church for the course, my slipdisc pain came back all over again. It has been weeks since I last felt the pain and limped. For a few weeks now, I was walking well and could hardly feel the pain. But it came back and I was limping. During this time, the thought came to mind, as if God saying "if you so stubbornly desire the old life, then I shall grant you that". I limped to church.

GOD: "I am a Sovereign God"
Then, began a series of events which helped remind me of God's sovereignty and how He is always in control. Over a simple event, I began to experience once again something known as "God's timing". I was to attend the last session of the Christian Education course in church today and frankly, I had intended not to go since I was in a bad shape and I knew most probably KM may or may not be there. Both me and KM had initially signed up to attend this course to encourage a new member and his wife in their walk but now, I had wanted to not attend it. But, deep inside me, I told myself that "I am still going to hounour God and fulfill my role as God's leader to encourage despite what I am going through". I stepped into class and saw our senior pastor (SP) sitting with my member, talking to him. Very soon, I come to realise how, over that short span of time, my friend's problem of missing the dateline for submission of his application for baptism was instantaneously solved. One week before, my member suddenly learnt that he forgot to submit his application for baptism and as such, will miss this round of baptism. But now, our SP was sitting and talking to him and soon enough, he instructed the church staff to look into the matter and the problem was solved. He is going for baptism next week! Yeah!!! SP mentioned how amazing it is; God's timing. But what was more amazing was how I later learnt how that short conversation also got another person sitting at our table thinking about baptism. It seemed that she had been coming to church for at least ten years but have yet to take the step of faith to baptize. And recently, it was amazing how one week, there were only two of us sitting at the table and how God interestingly used me to minister to her through a sharing; sharing with her my testimony of I have come to experience God first-hand in my life. I later learnt she was going through a spiritual desert. Now, God, over that short span of time, not only helped my friend to solve his baptism problem, encouraged her but also reminded me of God's sovereignty. Talking about God's timing. It seemed to remind me once again, as if I have forgotten, how God is real.

GOD: "Hear Me, for I Will Continue to Speak"
Then later, God continued to speak to me through the seminar. Despite the seminar being about "the church", I soon became surprised how it seemed like the pastors were ministering to me; even though the topic was on "the church", several times during the teaching, it started to talk about how sometimes we rely on our own strength and refuse to rely on God's strength etc. Then later, something small also impacted me a little. I was picking a sweet to eat and I picked the only orange sweet from the pile of sweets and when I opened it, it was in the shape of a heart. I thought to myself "wow, interesting God, are you telling me anything or am I just being too sensitive?"

GOD: "I Will Bless You Through Your Flock"
Later during break, my friend (the one who just got his baptism problem solved) asked me out to talk to me, brother-to-brother. It was amazing how I have always thought that I, being the cell leader and spiritually relatively more mature, was to bless others. But here, God is using a younger believer to bless me. He talked to me and shared with me how KM still love me and many other things. He heard me out and tried to encourage me. Much later, both him and his wife tried to create the opportunity for me and KM to patch up by asking both of us out for dinner. At this point, I learnt a valuable leadership lesson how it is interesting and sometime even ironical that God can even bless a leader through the very people he/she leads. And by this time, I was thinking to myself, "OK God, you win. Everything you have shown me, from morning till now, I hear you. I am just going to trust you and take a step of faith, initiating a patchup. I do not know how it is going to turn out and I have my fears and concerns, but God I will trust in You because You have spoken".

GOD: "I Will Continue to Pave the Way for Reconciliation"
I messaged KM and asked if she was keen for dinner with me and my member and his wife and a while later, she responded "yes". Throughout the evening, it was difficult and my member tried to create opportunity for us and kept encouraging me. He kept edging me on to hold her hand while crossing the road, accompanying her to toilet, finding a table with her but unfortunately, I was so immobilised with fear I did not really move much. Earlier, we went to visit a condo showflat and he teased us that we can start thinking about our house, both me and KM were quiet. Later on in the car, he even asked when we will join him and his wife for the church's marriage preparation course and both me and KM became silent and did not know how to respond. I appreciate this brother's effort to help us but I was just fearful not knowing what to say. Eventually, both me and KM settled down in Xin Wang Cafe in Whitesands (where we often go for our dates so much so the staff recognises us) alone. Over one hour, I shared my heart and thank God that I found the courage to share what I shared. To cut a long story short, we both agree to give each other a try because we were very clear how God had brought us together and how we had both been able to minister for God in miraculous ways; seeing to it that those who came into the cell with issues are beginning to overcome it. I walked her home and we both prayed. I know it is going to be a tough journey and pray for God's wisdom, guidance, peace, joy and protection to help us through this journey. And also thank God how I ended up only paying 15 cents for the drink there because we had credit in our Xin Wang card.

GOD: "My people are important to me and I will save as long as you continue to do my will"
This week has really helped me to rekindle my heart for ministry as I continue to see the cell as the "hope of the world". Increasingly, I am seeing the marvelous things that God is doing through this cell and how God has placed both me and KM together to work for His glory. God not only brought us together but has in His timing, brought people into this cell for His purpose. I have sensed from God late last year when I was struggling with ministry, that He wants to use the cell to help restore people and recently even to know that He will not only restore these people but will prepare them for wonderful ministry to bless others. And I have seen it happen over the past few months, how God has brought introverted people into the cell and blessed them. I will always remember the smiling face of my member who came melancholy and who was church and cell hopping for a while. I thank God for working to bring joy back into his life. Nowadays, when I see transformed lives, I could cry out to the Lord to thank Him for the work He had done and how I can play a part in this wonderful work. In the words of my AO, he affirmed me to say that our cell have an interesting mix of people and given to him, it might have collapsed. Frankly, I have never seen things that way before but now that it is mentioned, I recognised, it is by the grace of God, that I am able to take part in ministry in such a way.

I specifically thank God how He continue to use me to minister to others just how recently I was doing my devotion on the train and how God has brought me understanding of the whole 2 Thessalonians and led me to draft a long SMS. I eventually sent the SMS to my cell but felt prompted to send to a few colleagues. That night, a colleague, who I had not seen for a long time but who I had sent the SMS, called and asked why I sent the SMS. I thought I was in trouble but she shared how the verse came at the right time as she was going through some difficulty at work and got comfort from the Lord. Well, amazing how it happens because it happened to me several times, just like the 1 Corinthians 15:58 incident. Amazing, God ministers through SMS too! God has not only called me out to leadership to challenge me to live holy, to break me down so I can experience Him and lead His people, but also to make my heart beat like His; loving His people and hating to see them in pain.

Then yesterday, despite me being in a bad shape from all the relationship struggles recently and how I was to expect a new visitor in cell, I thank God how I managed to pull through it all, that God had guided me in what He wanted me to share with the cell about His grace, how people shared and it was even encouraging to hear, for the first time how people's lives were changed for the better; even the visitor shared. And despite being in a bad shape emotionally, I was able to be functionally extrovert to engage the new visitor. Week after week, I see God's grace on me. And in fact, two past visitors who visited in the past even started to return to the cell. I was starting to sense the strong presence of God dwelling in this cell and church with so much happening.

The Presence of God
And it seems that more and more people are sharing how they are sensing how Riverlife is different and how they sense the strong presence of the Lord working here. Of course, as our Pastor reminded us, there are no perfect church but I thank God for His grace that I was brought to this church where I grew to be who I am now and having the joy of not only having Him in my life, being able to experience Him, being able to have a serious walk with Him, being restored from life's misery and being able to participate in His ministry of transforming lives. I thank God that Riverlife continues to be focused on what it means to be a Christian; to love God and love His people. I thank God for the focused and ministering leaders an I pray God will continue to use the church to bless many others and stay focused on serving the Lord.

It does not preach only head knowledge but also of heart of walking with God.
It does not preach for us to be territorial but to work for the body of christ.
It does not preach that leaders are to be served but to serve.
It does not preach evangelism as trying to meet target but trying to reach out to people with the heart to help people overcome their problems and reconcile them to God.
It preaches Christianity not as a religion/ritual but as a relationship with God and with others.
It preaches reliance on God.
It preaches how the word of God is not to be treated as just another "self-help book" but rather as a powerful weapon which can impact lives and how we need to live Christ-like lives.

As a leader brought up in this church, I continue to pray for God to continue to grant me wisdom, discernment, courage, joy and humility to do His work and see many more lives transformed. And once again I say, I believe in my ministry as being able to bring hope.

I continue to thank God for all the friends and family that He placed around me to support me and pray for me during my ups and downs.

A Reminder
And I write all these to want to remind myself of His wonderful blessings and to also encourage those who need a touch from the Lord. And my journal continue to testify to His realness and I do hope that you will come to know the real God too.

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) - "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

Glamorous Unglam
Oh lastly, before I end. On a lighter note, just wanna share an exciting thing that happened today at the photoshoot for my college website. I am so thankful that, by the grace of God, He had brought me back to walk with Him 3 years ago and brought me to my current working place. By His grace, I have never done what I am doing now but then He had blessed my hands and helped me to be successful in whatever I do. Anyway, I do feel honoured to be asked to be featured as a alumni on my college's website. Today's photoshoot was real fun and I got to pose in all kinds of inspirational poses. I really wonder how the photos will turn out. But there is just one problem: after the photoshoot and leaving the college premise, I realise, to my horrors, my zip's half undone. Oh no!

A Complicated Inner World

2008-10-31T13:34:00.004+08:00

Had a talk with my area overseer yesterday and my inner world is now just in a mess. It is not that the talk with my AO was not good at all but then it somehow forces me to come to terms with what I am dealing with and this is really causing my inner world to be as complicated as it can get.

I have to admit that I am not coping very well in the past few days though I am showing signs of adapting back to my "old" life. Sometimes, I fear quiet moments and moments having nothing to do because I will start thinking. And so, I bury myself with work or sleep. And just as I am getting used to the "old" life and saying "it is not that bad after all", I come to know that KM is not coping with it very well and again feel rotten about the whole thing.

There are so many thoughts going through my head now, including:

Accept & Move on! - There is a part of me which is telling me not to look back and move forward because I was the one who initiated the breakup so, "live with it! Stop being a whiny person and just be a man and live with it!" There is this part of me which tells me that there is no point in carrying on the relationship because I will in the end still make her upset with me because I just cannot live up what she hopes for me. So rather than prolonging the whole process, why not just give up and move on?
"Is This It?" - There is also a part in me which makes me wonder whether is this it; did God bring us together to only come to such a state? It is true how both of us felt that it is by God's grace and how circumstances come together that we became a couple and how we have both served rather powerfully in ministry and impacting lives. But then, could I have misread God in the first place? Is it His will for us to be together or am I misinterpreting things?
A Disobedient Leader - Is it His will that things turn out this way or am I just being plain stubborn? It is true that it was getting rather painful and tiring that I went ahead with my own decision. And this does make me feel rather rotten that, as a leader, I teach my people to seek God before making decisions but yet myself I am failing in this area.
I Still Love Her - When my friend asked me two days ago if I still love her and my answer is undeniably a "yes". I still love her but then could not bear to carry on making her upset and also I myself am getting tired and feeling rotten for not meeting up to her hopes of me. This part of me wonder if I still love her, why do I even give up on the relationship? It is true, I have been rehearsing in my mind how it would be like when I see her walking down the aisle in future with another person and how would I feel. It was undeniable a rotten feeling. I am afraid I will live a life of regret. But yet there is a part of me which is telling me that it is not worth it.
"It is not worth it" - There is this part which is telling me that it is just not worth it because, as I have mentioned, I am always making her upset; it is always her upset with me and I am just tired of trying to live up to her hopes and also tired of feeling rotten about myself when I make her upset. In fact, I even questioned myself whether I am the same codfishy she fell in love with; why there are so many hopes that I be this and that? Following last weekend's conflict and how she responded, it did make me angry with her response and despite coming together to talk about it, she kept saying that maybe I am just repeating my passivity all over again. But I felt I had tried to explain myself and tried to initiate contact back but all I got was a rather cold treatment. This remark has made me feel so upset and I must agree that the suggestion to conclude the relationship might have been made in anger but yet I know I am tired.
"You are a rotten person" - Deep within me, I haven't been coping well the past few days. It seems that KM is not coping very well either and she did later share how disappointed she is with my decision but will respect it. I am so concerned about her and so worried that she will become depressed. When my AO spoke to me yesterday, he shared how he heard from my own mouth despite all the "failures" to live up to her expectations, it is interesting how I was the one who called quits and not her. And as we talked, I have come to again realise how much I have changed as a person, for the better, because of the relationship. I have become more confident, punctual and functionally extroverted as a person. "But is this how you repay her?!" I know she has been trying to adapt (despite her still getting upset with me) but this is how I treat her. I feel rotten.
"God may have a purpose" - I do not want to deny that both of us have once agreed that God may have called us to serve together in ministry as a couple and maybe also bless other couples in the future. So there is sometimes a crazy thought in me that "maybe God had intended for this to happen and then we get back together, so we can understand and be able to minister to couples in future". And, maybe there is a purpose for us asking our AO and his wife to be our couple mentor just 2 weeks ago, and now how they are stepping in to intervene. But this remains a thought.
"It is You to Give Up" - As I talked to my AO, again he mentioned something that made me think... he mentioned how he sees similairity in my cell leadership and also this situation; how he always see me throw in the towel and how he will catch the towel to throw it back to me. After discussing, it is quite clear that I am a person with esteem issues and I tend to give up easily. Frankly speaking, I know it has only been 4 months and I do agree that 4 months is too short a time to gauge if someone is the "one" for me over a period of 4 months. But also I have to admit that it is too painful. Maybe it has always been that I am a people-pleaser and always seek to please. Which is why I feel rotten when ever expectations are placed on me and yet I will accept it and try to live up to it, only to get all tired in the end. It's the same thing for cell leadership (of which I am doing rather well now, by the grace of God) and also for this relationship. Maybe it is really true that, on my end, with my esteem issues, I am not able to deal with others expectations of me and yet on the other end, KM may also need to learn to moderate the expectations.
Not Knowing how to Proceed - I have to admit that part of the reason for initiating the breakup and even keeping to the decision is my insecurity and now knowing how to proceed. There is a part of me which is still keeping some parts of life private e.g. my messy house which she is always wanting to visit and yet also not knowing how KM is going to live with my mother and also how I am to live with my in-laws (after a few rounds of awkward gatherings and having made KM upset again and again). Somehow, when I think about our future, I just have so many concerns and especially with the recent decision to breakup, even if I were to decide to get back together, how do I face her parents after treating KM this way?
"What audacity!" - My AO asked if I want to move on to chapter 2 or move on to write the epilogue for this relationship. It got me thinking and frankly, as much as I want to continue with Chapter 2, I just cannot think how I am going to face KM, her parents and also worry about all my fears under "not knowing how to proceed". I mean "what audacity for you to first say that you want to break up and then now want to patch up. Who do you think you are? Do you really feel you can bring happiness to KM?" Yes, I feel that it would be selfish for me to initiate the breakup only to want to move on the Chapter 2. Who am I to say that? My AO did share how much a unilateral decision it was that I made and how, despite KM respecting my decision, it is still a decision that I have made on my own. So how can I say breakup at one point and then patch back? That's so selfish! But yet, I agree that at least, allow us to write the epilogue to allow for a proper closure.

I was asked to think through it and decide it I want to go on to chapter 2 of the relationship and work things through or do I want to write an epilogue. I was reminded that relationships are about the coming together of 2 very different lifes and how there are bound to be conflicts. Yes, Chapter 1 has been closed but that may not be the end.

I think, as I write this entry out, things are clear where I should go, to carry on with Chapter 2 if KM is willing, although there are fears and concerns. But I will leave it in God's hands. If KM says that she is not willing to continue, then I will let that be it and we come together to have a proper closure.

Closing the Chapter

2008-10-28T22:34:00.005+08:00

"I am going to close the chapter and since I made the decision, I will have to accept the consequences" ~ This thought keeps ringing in my head.

Despite not having it easy, having decided to conclude my relationship with KM yesterday and really having said it out, I just have to move on. I just believe that we have come to a time, where I am just tired of always making her upset because of my many shortcomings and trying to change, that I have decided to just call it a close.

It hasn't been an easy decision but then I am really tired and I do not think I can go on making KM upset because of my shortcomings. I know she is trying to adapt too but then it just pains me to see her upset again and again and for me, I am just tired of trying to change. So perhaps it may be the best thing to just close the chapter now. I know it may sound selfish and indeed, I haven't been feeling good about the decision.

Firstly, I do not feel peace at all with God about the decision. Secondly, I feel that I may have been selfish making the decision. I can sense the disappointment that KM had when I told her that I just want to give up. Today, when she sent me an sms to say how she was deeply hurt and disappointed when she knew I wanted to give up our relationship but still respect my decision and wish me the best, asking me not to look back and just move forward. I know it is not easy for her and I feel horrible making her feel this way. And we did promise each other to run the race and one day be able to do couple ministry to others but this is not going to be the case anymore. Frankly, I believe she deserves someone better than me. Thirdly, it felt horrible to no longer to be able to share life together again or hold her hand. The reality of it all set in today as we attended the Global Leadership Summit and I noticed that things are just not the same anymore. But her seeming to be concerned about me, how she kept encouraging me; asking me not to give up in ministry and also praying for me has just made me feel worse about myself for making the decision.

Although I can still cry when I think about it, I have to move on. I was talking to a friend who was going to have a wedding and both myself and KM are supposed to help out at the wedding. But when I told her how we had brokened up and KM won't be coming, she asked me a question "Do you still love her?" At that moment, I almost cried because I still do love her. But there is no turning back. It pains my heart especially as I sat in the train today and removed her name from my "special numbers" list and also removed the a video showing forever friends bear arranging the words "I love you" (which would show whenever she calls) from her number. There is pain but I believe I will get over it.

Then at the summit, many people saw us and teased us. I remember one of the delegates pointed to her and asked me if she is my girlfriend. With KM besides me, I muttered to the delegate, "no, she is my friend". And it is painful to say it. Much later, we saw many people in church who teased us but I started battering myself emotionally for not having the confidence to say "oh we are friends". On one hand, I find I needed to help people understand we are not friends and not partner, to be fair to KM, but yet on the other hand struggle with not knowing how to put it across to them in such a way it would not cause awkwardness for all. What made matters worst, the person in charge of the marriage preparation course came over and asked "so when are you both coming to marriage preparation course?" I was dumbfounded and did not know how to react.

It's funny how when one is heart-brokened, the TV shows seems to just rub it in; so happening to show images of people out of love, heart-brokened. Maybe it is just me being too sensitive that even when I see couples on the streets, I would just lapse back into my melancholiness. But then, I should not grumble and complain because I made the decision and so has to live up to it and accept the consequences. Maybe just let this be one last time that I complain and I just want to move on.

I thank God for my sister and friends who are around me and who comforts me. And I also thank God that we have concluded everything in a more or less amicable way and we are still friends, agreeing to continue to support one another in ministry and help impact others' lives. I believe I will get over it soon.

For the Last Time

2008-10-28T00:11:00.004+08:00

People who knows me well know I can't ___ (hint: bxxx).

Show encrypted text

His Love Endures Forever

2008-10-18T11:16:00.002+08:00

Praise God for His love endures forever!

Thank God that I had been able to pull through this week. Beginning with Monday, I fell sick and remain sick for the most of the week. And then KM was struggling with her assignment and stayed up for nights to try to complete it; it doesn't feel good at all to see her struggling as such but all I can do is just to encourage her on. Then on Friday, I was struggling badly at work, attending to many different things so much so I felt so many things weighing down on me and hard pressed for time.

It was like: I was doing this and then remembered I have to do that and then someone comes and ask if I can do another thing only to remember that I have yet another thing to do before an event next week, while worrying for a student's project which seem to have no news and then finally hearing from the student and then a call comes and needed to follow-up with something else while deep in my mind I remember I have 5 other volunteer applications I have not followed-up with. And finally as I tried to wind down the day and was worried what I was going to cover for cell, boss suddenly called for a short meeting... It was a totally nerve-wrecking day but then I thank God He sustained me through and by the end of the day, I realised how much I have completed at work (though there remains much more to be done). I thank God how He has even blessed me with a colleague who gave me a lift to the train station after the meeting.

By evening time yesterday, I was very worried because I was not sure what I was going to cover that evening. Although I had thought that I am going do a reflection exercise to get the cell to reflect on their current state of spiritual walk, I just somehow felt it did not quite fit in with the current week's discussion topic. I struggled between covering the week's discussion topic on witnessing and testimony or doing the reflection exercise. Then, having been sick most of the week, I wasn't able to prepare much so by the time I got off work, I was totally clueless what I was going to cover. Then, I knew that KM has stayed up the whole night to rush her paper and I was also not feeling too good either and with a early morning excursion the next morning, I had thought that I will not have the luxury of time to do both the week's discussion topic and the reflection exercise. Then, I heard how KM's mother was worried about her not having enough sleep and I started to wonder if I had been too insensitive to continue to have cell group at her house despite her not having enough rest. Then, I also knew that my former cell leader is back in Singapore and will be visiting my cell tonight and this kind of got me in a frenzy because somehow I always seem to be trapper in a "supervisor-supervisee" relationship with her and I seem to always be afraid of her while she can sometimes also be critical of me. I was worried about it. Then, I learnt that 2 new-comers will be coming and so is my Area Overseer coming. So with all these, I was starting to get more and more worried and started to pray as I made my way to cell. Somehow, I trusted God will guide me through the evening.

And so He did. I thank God for:

Giving me the opportunity to study His word and preparing for the discussion, sensing in my heart how I was to continue with the week's discussion topic on witnessing and testimony and putting on hold my reflection exercise;
Leading me to different parts of the scriptures and speaking to me and helping me to not only read but also understand His word and how it relates to the topics;
Continuing to bring me verses, without fail, each week, and how these always is consistent with the topic of discussion that week: this week's is Psalm 107;
Allowing me to not only have time to prepare on the bus but also got a little rest and even managed to find time to buy refreshments, dinner and even run an errand for KM, who was taking a break at home after the gruelling assignment;
how people just clicked yesterday and participated despite having new faces and how even the newcomer shared his testimony;
how I saw happy faces on some of my cell members which reminds me how God has placed this cell together for a purpose of restoring its members and how I see the hands of God at work, bringing joy back into the lives of these members;
how I was confident during the whole session yesterday and was able to carry through the session and how things just flowed;
using the session yesterday to encourage each other and show how real God is through the testimonies shared by all the members. It was the first time hearing some of them share their testimonies and some of the testimonies were just so amazing how God had worked in the lives of the various members, speaking very clearly to them in an audible voice during crisis, answering prayers, bringing people into their paths to minister to them and even how an aetheist even accepted the Lord, it was just so powerful;
bringing my former leader back to cell and how it was so amazing how with the right timing, I was able to share my testimony, which was linked to hers and also another members' testimony was linked to mine. It was amazing hearing the testimony of the one who brought me back to Christ and also the testimony of the one who I have helped brought back to Christ;
the encouragement my former leader gave to me about how cell went well;
grace even though my former leader started to point out how something could be "better" done which started me make me feel all defensive and, at one point in time, makes me go internally "I hope you will respect my leadership of this cell and stop being critical of me". But then I am glad at the end, we were able to exercise grace to each other and apologized for our actions.

Cell went amazingly well yesterday and without fail, God always works in marvelous ways. After stepping up in leadership, even though it had initially been difficult, but I began to see God at work even more clearly and being able to experience Him in my life.

In addition, I thank God for:

Granting another friend, who God has sent into my life to minister to, with a job and how she seem so happy;
Ministering to another friend through the pulpit on last Sunday. When I saw this friend enter the sanctuary and then walk to sit in front and later heard what was preached at the pulpit, I went "Thank you Lord for always speaking to my friends and cell members always at the right seasons";
Using me to provide comfort to a friend last week even though all I did was wish him happy birthday;
Always working in marvelous ways even though some situations seem very tricky. But things eventually worked out in marvelous ways and you always draw people back to you through these incidents. You always ministers through me and KM and guide us with wisdom of things to say and do. Thank you Lord for allowing us to participate in your ministry and for helping people to open up to use whenever they need help.
continuing to bless me at my work ministry and how I have fared well in my recent work appraisal;
continuing to bless me even in other areas and giving me honour as my college asked for a writeup on myself to be featured on the website. To me, I did not feel myself as anyone successful but you have honoured me.
continuing to help me accomplish many things and how you have helped me to successfully troubleshoot a tricky email server issue for my association despite me not having the technical expertise to begin with. But things eventually worked out.

Dear Lord, as I continue to walk with you, I thank you for showing me many wonderful things and also for allowing me to take part in your ministry, seeing lives changed as they seek you with their heart. Father, I pray that you will continue to grant me wisdom, discernment, courage, humility and joy as I serve you as your servant leader.

Thank you Lord!

A Day to Remember, A Day I Want to Remember in Ministry

2008-10-01T22:51:00.003+08:00

I just came back from a picnic with my cell group and I really must thank God for how well it turned out.

I had initially plan to spend time with them and since today is a public holiday, I was really hoping I can get everyone to come and help the cell to bond together... I just felt that since the cell is made of introverted individuals, I needed to try to get everyone bonded together.

But the problem was that although I had intended to have a fellowship, I hadn't been able to get down to confirm things till yesterday evening. And something just told me to maybe try to propose having a picnic at lower pierce reservoir, the same place where my volunteers brought me to the other time for the gathering earlier this year.

But, this being the first time I am organising a cell outing myself, I was so worried about many things... what if only a few came, what if things don't turn out well since we had not even the time to plan the whole thing? what if the weather is no good? what if it is too hot? what if the people find picnic boring? what if the timing to meet is too late? what if everyone is quiet? what if we are attacked by the monkeys there? There were a lot of worries but then I just told myself I am going to pray and commit it into God's hands, trusting He will help me work things out.

So I thank God:

how everything fell into place nicely including how timely we finished shopping, in time to have another member who drove to come and join us and timely to also pick up another member who was coming from town;
for the weather, which was cool with cloud cover but yet it did not rain;
for the amount of food being just right to feed everyone and yet did not cost us a bomb;
how almost everyone except one came;
how we were not really pestered by the monkeys;
how one of the cell members who drove, initially was not able to join us at the beginning of the picnic but later could because his appointment was cancelled, helping us transportation of people and all the groceries, and
how everyone bonded well with one another and how people had fun with one another doing crazy things like taking silly photos, those "jump in the air" shots, playing frisbee at the reservoir, taking those "everyone lie down with heads forming a circle looking up" shot... everybody just bonded together and even though the cell is made up of introverts, it was amazing seeing the chemistry of how each brought to the gathering different things, one brought with him ideas for activities and games, one brought with him the youthfulness, cheerfulness and humour while the rest just had fun.

It was really amazing seeing how a simple, last-minute planned gathering turned out so well and how people bonded. I thank God for blessing the day and gathering and for answered prayer. And one scene will always stick in my mind, the scene of a cell member who came into cell all serious and melancholy looking, now smiling radiantly. I have never seen him smile so radiantly and also participating and joking with people, all opened up. As I see how much transformation has taken place in some of my members, I thank God for working in the cell and in these people's lives. Scenes like these will always remain a reminder of the power of what God can do through cells and churches. I thank God for it and for being able to play a part, although difficult at times, in it and pray that I will never forget the focus of ministry; serving God and His people and seeing their lives transformed and walking with the Lord closely.

I also thank God how a blog entry I have done up for the cell blog has ministered to one friend. Thank you Lord!

God Amidst Trials and Storms

2008-10-01T12:11:00.000+08:00

Talking about trials and storms in the previous post, here are 2 accounts of people who have been through the storms of life but yet was touched by God, which in turn blessed and inpsired many others with their songs.

Horatio Spafford went through a series of tragedies in his family but yet pulls through it all with God. In the end, both he and his wife even continued to bless many others with their hands. This is his story:

On October 8, 1871, as Horatio and his wife Anna were grieving over the death of their son, the Great Chicago Fire swept through the city. Horatio was a prominent lawyer in Chicago, and had invested heavily in the city's real estate, and the fire destroyed almost everything he owned.

Two years later, in 1873, Spafford decided his family should take a holiday somewhere in Europe, and chose England knowing that his friend D. L. Moody would be preaching there in the fall. Delayed because of business, he sent ahead of him his family: his wife Anna, and his four remaining children, daughters Tanetta, Maggie, Annie and Bessie.

On November 21, 1873, while crossing the Atlantic on the steamship Ville du Havre, their ship was struck by an iron sailing vessel and two hundred and twenty six people lost their lives, including all four of Spafford's daughters. Somehow his wife, Anna, survived. On arriving in England, she sent a telegram to Spafford beginning "Saved alone."

Spafford then himself took a ship to England, going past the place where his daughters had died. According to Bertha Spafford, a daughter born after the tragedy, the hymn was written in mid-Atlantic.

After the tragedy, the Spaffords had two more children: a son, Horatio, born in 1876, and a daughter, Bertha, born two years later. Sadly, young Horatio contracted scarlet fever and died at the age of four. Then in August 1881, the Spaffords set out for Jerusalem as a party of 13 adults and 3 children and set up the American Colony.

Moved by a series of profound tragic losses, Chicago natives Anna and Horatio Spafford led a small American contingent in 1881 to Jerusalem to form a Christian utopian society known as the "American Colony." Colony members, later joined by Swedish Christians, engaged in philanthropic work amongst the people of Jerusalem regardless of their religious affiliation and without proselytizing motives--thereby gaining the trust of the local Muslim, Jewish, and Christian communities. During and immediately after World War I, the American Colony played a critical role in supporting these communities through the great suffering and deprivations of the eastern front by running soup kitchens, hospitals, orphanages and other charitable ventures.

Spafford died on October 16, 1888, of malaria, and was buried there in Jerusalem.

It Is Well with My Soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

(Refrain:) It is well (it is well),
with my soul (with my soul),
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
(Refrain)

My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to His cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
(Refrain)

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
(Refrain)

And Lord haste the day, when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
(Refrain)

From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horatio_Spafford

You might not be familiar with John Newton but he wrote one of the songs we are all familiar with, Amazing Grace. John's account is one where God used a storm to begin to bring him back to him. Through the storm, John recognised that he could only rely on God and later worked with William Wilberforce towards the abolition of slave trade in the British Empire. This is his story:

John Newton was born in Wapping, Essex, in 1725, on July 24, the son of John Newton, a shipmaster in the Mediterranean service, and Elizabeth Newton (née Seatclife), a Nonconformist Christian. His mother died of tuberculosis when he was 6. Newton spent 2 years at boarding school, at the age of 11 he went to sea with his father and sailed with him on a total of six voyages until the elder Newton retired in 1742. Newton's father had planned for him to take up a position as a slave master at a sugar plantation in Jamaica but in 1743, he was pressed into naval service, and became a midshipman aboard HMS Harwich. After attempting to desert, Newton was put in irons and court martialed. The captain was determined to make an example of Newton for the rest of the crew. Thus, in the presence of 350 members of the crew, the 18-year old midshipman was stripped to the waist, tied to the grating, and received a flogging of 96 lashes, and was reduced to the rank of a common seaman. Following that disgrace and humiliation, Newton initially contemplated suicide, but he recovered, both physically and mentally, and, at his own request, he was placed in service on a slave ship bound for West Africa which eventually took him to the coast of Sierra Leone. He became the servant of a slave trader, who abused him. It was this period that Newton later remembered as the time he was "once an infidel and libertine, a servant of slaves in Africa." Early in 1748 he was rescued by a sea captain who had been asked by Newton’s father to search for him on his next voyage.

Religious Conversion
Sailing back to England in 1748 aboard the slave-ship Greyhound on the Atlantic triangle trade route, the ship encountered a severe storm and almost sank. Newton awoke in the middle of the night and prayed to God as the ship filled with water. It was this experience which he later marked as the beginnings of his conversion to evangelical Christianity. As the ship sailed home, Newton began to read the Bible and other religious literature. By the time he reached Britain, he had accepted the doctrines of Christianity. The date was March 10, 1748, an anniversary he marked for the rest of his life. From that point on, he avoided profanity, gambling, and drinking, although he continued to work in the slave trade. He later said that his true conversion did not happen until some time later: "I cannot consider myself to have been a believer in the full sense of the word, until a considerable time afterwards."

Newton returned to Liverpool, England and, partly due to the influence of Joseph Manestay, a friend of his father’s, obtained a position as first mate aboard a slave trading vessel, the Brownlow, bound for the West Indies via the coast of Guinea. During the first leg of this voyage, while in west Africa (1748-49), Newton acknowledged the inadequacy of his spiritual life. While he was sick with a fever, he professed his full belief in Christ. He later said that this experience was his true conversion and the turning point in his spiritual life. He claimed it was the first time he felt totally at peace with God.

Still, he did not renounce the slave trade until later in his life (when he wrote a tract decrying it in aid of abolitionist William Wilberforce). After his return to England in 1750, he made three further voyages as captain of the slave-trading ships Duke of Argyle (1750) and the African (1752-53 and 1753-54). He only gave up seafaring and his slave-trading activities in 1754, after a serious illness.

Anglican priest
In 1755 Newton became tide surveyor of the port of Liverpool, again through the influence of Manestay and, in his spare time, was able to study Greek, Hebrew, and Syriac. He became well-known as an evangelical lay minister, and applied for the Anglican priesthood in 1757, although it was more than seven years before he was eventually accepted and ordained into the Church of England. Such had been his frustration during this period of rejection that he had sought also to apply to the Methodists, Independents and Presbyterians, as well as directly to the Bishops of Chester and Lincoln and the Archbishops of Canterbury and York.

Eventually, in 1764, he was introduced by Thomas Haweis to Lord Dartmouth, who was influential in recommending Newton to the Bishop of Chester, and who had suggested him for the living of Olney, Buckinghamshire. On 29 April 1764 Newton received deacon’s orders, and finally became a priest on 17 June.

As curate of Olney, Newton was partly sponsored by the evangelical philanthropist John Thornton, who supplemented his stipend of £60 a year with £200 a year "for hospitality and to help the poor". He soon became well-known for his pastoral care, as much as for his beliefs, and his friendship with dissenters and evangelical clergy caused him to be respected by Anglicans and non-conformists alike. He was to spend sixteen years at Olney, during which time so popular was his preaching that the church had a gallery added to accommodate the large numbers who flocked to hear him.

Some five years later, in 1772, Thomas Scott, later to become a biblical commentator and co-founder of the Church Missionary Society, took up the curacy of the neighbouring parishes of Stoke Goldington and Weston Underwood. Newton was instrumental in converting Scott from a cynical 'career priest' to a true believer, a conversion Scott related in his spiritual autobiography The Force Of Truth (1779).

In 1779 Newton was invited by the wealthy Christian merchant John Thornton to become Rector of St Mary Woolnoth, Lombard Street, London, where he officiated until his death. The church had been built by Nicholas Hawksmoor in 1727 in the fashionable Baroque style. Newton then became one of only two evangelical preachers in the capital, and he soon found himself gaining in popularity amongst the growing evangelical party. He was a strong supporter of evangelicalism in the Church of England, and was a friend of the dissenting clergy as well as of the ministry of his own church.

Many young churchmen and others enquiring about their faith visited him and sought his advice, including such well-known social figures as the writer and philanthropist Hannah More and the young M.P., William Wilberforce, who had recently undergone a crisis of conscience and religious conversion experience as he was contemplating leaving politics.

Abolitionist
John Newton has been called hypocritical by some modern writers for continuing to participate in the slave trade while holding strong Christian convictions. However, during his early years as a slave trader he did not consider himself to be a true Christian: 'I was greatly deficient in many respects...I cannot consider myself to have been a believer in the full sense of the word, until a considerable time later."

It is true, after what he felt was his true conversion to Christianity, he continued working the slave routes for a few years, but he eventually came to repent. He later joined William Wilberforce in the campaign for abolition. In 1787 he wrote a tract supporting the campaign, Thoughts Upon the African Slave Trade.

Among his greatest contributions to history was encouraging William Wilberforce, a Member of Parliament for Hull, to stay in Parliament and "serve God where he was", rather than enter the ministry. Wilberforce heeded the ex-slaveship captain's advice, and spent the next twenty years successfully working for the abolition of the slave trade in the British Empire.

"Amazing Grace"

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That sav’d a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my fears reliev’d;
How precious did that grace appear,
The hour I first believ’d!

Thro’ many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
’Tis grace has brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promis’d good to me,
His word my hope secures;
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yes, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease;
I shall possess, within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call’d me here below,
Will be forever mine.

From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Newton

Enduring Faith

2008-10-01T12:04:00.003+08:00

We had a cell discussion on faith and trial last week and I just felt led to blog about this, hoping it would bless someone as it has blessed me.

Prompted to Cover Faith
I had been preparing for cell discussion this week and even though I had missed the first sermon on "Enduring Faith" but instead attended the second service on "Power of the Blood", I just felt prompted to cover on the topic of faith this week. The topic kept appearing throughout the week - at my department devotion, corporate devotion and also through what happened this week in ministry, witnessing faith in action.

What is Faith?
And so, I began to reflect upon faith in my own walk. I can hear myself asking "So, what is faith? What's the big deal about it?" In fact, faith is a very common topic in the Christian walk and I was thinking that it would be timely for us to take a closer look at it; examining it more carefully.

What have we learnt about faith in our walk with the Lord?
I have come a long way in my ministry, starting from just an ordinary cell member to being God's servant in cell ministry and having to learn to rely on Him, learning how His grace is sufficient for me and how He is in control when I let Him.

Here are some thoughts on faith, as shared by some during cell discussion and also some things I have come to realise over the years, walking with God:

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of the unseen (Hebrews 11:1);
Faith does not commensurate with the number of years we have been a Christian; it is possible for a Christian young in faith to have more faith than a Christian of many years;
Strong faith becomes easier to exercise and more evident during trials;

Trials, Faith & Joy
In James 1:2-4 (NIV), it is said:
2. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3. because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

When I saw these verses for the first time, I asked myself, "how can it be that one can consider it joy when facing trials? It must be crazy!" I remember during my personal and spiritual break to Langkawi earlier this year, I was reading from Acts and was amazed at how despite being persecuted, Paul still stood by his faith, strongly. I remember telling myself "what strong faith! I wonder why he has such strong faith?" But slowly, I have come to understand the verses as I reflect upon how God has helped me through the tough times; times which left me on my knees praying while everything was crumbling down, times which, on hindsight, helped molded me to be the way I am now. I have slowly come to appreciate the flip side of trials, even though, yes, I have to agree that it is tough.

Why Trials?
Bob Sorge describes perseverance and endurance as faith sustained over time in the midst of pressure and crisis. So that naturally leads me to ask: Why trials?

Trials Bring Us Back to God - When I think about it, the first thing I have come to realise is that trials sometimes happen to bring us back to God.

For me, life was going relatively smoothly for me. Though I was brought up as a Christian, I began to drift away from God because I felt that this was a part of my life which was not important at all since there were no big trials in my life... With success in most things I do, I became more self-sufficient until something hit me real heard. Then suddenly, I was facing career, relationship, friendship problems all at the same time. I had nowhere to turn and then God brought me a friend, who I had lost touch with for a long time, to come into my life. This friend eventually brought me back to Him. I still recall when I messaged another friend on the first Sunday I came to Riverlife Church, my friend replied "it took a trial for God to bring you back to Him". So take heed that sometimes, trials is a signal to go back to God.
Trials Help Us to Rely on God - Then, I began to see how trials also help us to rely on God. Indeed, if we believe that God is the Great Almighty, the one who created everything and gave life, then why are we sometimes reluctant to let go and let God? I am very familiar with this because sometimes, when facing problems, I tend to say to God "God, I know you are big but then let me deal with this problem myself because I believe I can do it". But then, when we accepted Christ and made Him our saviour and Lord, isn't He also Lord over all, including our trials? Do we just treat Him as only a saviour or do we take the whole package and accept Him as Lord of our lives as well, trusting that He has His plans for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11)?

I recall how stepping up into ministry had been one of the biggest trial for me and I had to rely on God. I recall the days when I cried about things, about how hopeless things felt, about how lousy I felt about myself because of all that is happening. I had no where to turn to and had to look up. Today, as I look back at the tough times and see how God had blessed my hands in ministry and how things started to take a turn when I stopped trying and prayed and commit it into His hands, I praise God for being there. A friend has ever shared that she had once had to deal with worry when she did not hear from her husband, who went to work overseas, for 2 whole weeks. She tried reaching him but to no avail. But yet, she could not do anything else except to pray. In the end, thank God, her husband returned the next day. It's true that sometimes, there is nothing else we can do but to look to God.

I have once received a SMS that went "when facing problems, do not say 'Oh God, we have a big problem' but instead 'Problem, we have a big God!'" Believe it and proclaim it!
Trials Brings Growth - Yet another thing I have realised about trials is that it brings growth. I am reminded how we are all "Work in Progress" and how trials provide the opportunity to mature and even critically think about what could be better in life. Ultimately, it is about growing to become the person God wants us to be.

James reminded that "perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything". Through trial and perseverance, we will grow and mature to be complete and not lacking anything. In the same way, I have come to see how much I have grown as a person over the past few years as I continue to walk with the Lord; how He continued to challenged me to live a life that would honour Him. I have come to slowly overcome many problems previously faced, including my introvertedness and I have to admit that stepping up in ministry has challenged me to a higher standard of living a God-honouring life.

I always believe that Christianity is not a religion but a relationship with God. And part of that relationship with God is first reconciling with God and then walking righteously with Him. I have learnt how God is more concerned with who we become and how we walk with Him more than anything else because "The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart" (1 Sam 16:7b). It is not the outward person but the real person He is concerned with.
Trials Help Us Bless Others - Yet another thing I have come to realise is how trials are also intended for us to bless others. Several times, I saw how God has used my past experiences to help me understand others and minister to them. Though some of these past experiences were painful, God nonetheless helped me to address some of these through the sermons and the church's men's retreat. As was as if I was put through a rehabilitation programme. Then God used me to minister to others. Through my past experiences, I got to be able to share with others how I have been through similar struggles and how, with God, I had been able to overcome it.
Trials Build Faith and More Faith - Lastly, trials builds more faith. When we overcome a trial with God, it helps us build more faith in Him to overcome future trials. Just as one of the cell members has shared, we have sometimes come to realise how God is bigger than anyone or anything else when we just be still, and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10).

Trails are here to stay
It's interesting how some of us sometimes feel awkward that as Christians, we face trials too. But trials are certain to stay in our lives because James 1:2 says "whenever you face trials of many kinds" not "if you face trials of many kinds". Trials are certain and it is not surprising that Christians face trials. But what is different is that, as children of God, we are certain that God is with us and in control as long as we seek Him and His will. He will bring us through it all.

Still - Hillsong

Still
Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
within your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are king over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

How do we build faith?
I have thought through it and at the end of the day, the way which has worked for me is to (i) know God, (ii) see God at work in our lives and (iii) living daily with God; having the Holy Spirit with us. We need to know who God is, how real He is and live each day with Him.

It seems that to grow in faith, we need to know God's character, who He is and how He sees us. We need to know who we are in God's eyes and how much He cares for us and wants the best for us before we can grow faith and trust in Him. After all, isn't that how we grow trust and faith in others? We need to be more "God-aware", knowing how real He is in our lives, watching over and blessing us, through daily thanksgiving. Finally, we need to live God-honouring and righteous lives, having the Holy Spirit with us. As we continue to walk closely with God, we will be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and His prompting.

Luke 8:22-25 tells us how Jesus calms the storm. Jesus had told his disciple to go to the other side of the lake. As they sailed, Jesus feel asleep and a storm came. The disciples panicked and When the storm came, the woke Him up, only to have Jesus asking them about their faith. Indeed sometimes, we can be like the disciples; despite having Jesus on board, they had little faith. It would be different when we know who is in the boat with us and know who He is and how He has seen us through our days.

As we wrapped up cell, I sensed that as we shared about our past struggles and how God brought us through it all, we are reminded how we all stand as testimonies of how God has worked in our lives, including how God even sent timely word to us during those tough times to comfort us and assure us, be it through Our Daily Bread, the bible or even through a bible verse in a colleague's diary. Many of you shared how this happened many times for you and indeed God sees you in your trials. He knows and comforts.

The Choice
If you want to build faith, build a relationship with God. If you have yet to do so with Him, do so today. Faith is a choice; when trials come, do not look around but look up.

Saviour King

2008-09-15T22:58:00.000+08:00

Saviour King

Saviour King (Acoustic) - Hillsong

And now the weak say I have strength
By the spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead
And now the poor stand and confess
That my portion is Him and I'm more than blessed

Let now our hearts burn with a flame
A fire consuming all for your Son's holy name
And with the heavens we declare
You are our king

We love you Lord, we worship you
You are our God, you alone are good

You asked your Son to carry this
The heavy cross our weight of sin

I love you Lord, I worship you
Hope which was lost, now stands renewed
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

Let now your church shine as the bride
That you soar in your heart as you offered up your life
Let now the lost be welcomed home
By the saved and redeemed those adopted as your own

I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the savior king

Burdened

2008-09-14T22:41:00.001+08:00

With my personality, it really pains me sometimes to see others upset. Put that together with the heart of a ministry leader and it becomes really emotionally intense.

One Sad Person After Another...
Last weekend had been just so, having met with one upset person after another...

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The Negatives
By the end of the night, I was rather drained and had just wanted to sleep. But I guess all that with all the worrying, it wasn't much of a good rest... Already I was already battling with some negative thoughts about myself in ministry and then had to deal with these. Again, I was entertaining thoughts about how lousy a leader I was. Recently, I took a cab and was talking to the taxi driver. He shared with me his problems at home and as he shared, I felt that an opportunity became available to share Christ with him and also a deep prompting to pray for him. But I did neither and this did make me feel rather disappointed and lousy. Then, later in the day, I was talking over MSN with another brother-in-christ who I had been ministering to for a long time but who I felt could grow more in his maturity and faith. But that evening, I felt rather irritated talking to him. Much later, another friend who I had been praying for and trying to help for years also came online and messaged me. But my response were rather short and abrupt and I slowly find myself being rather irritated with him too. I could not understand myself but then I was rather disappointed with myself feeling like that about them. Then, I was compiling email to send to my cell but found that I was rather reluctant to send an annoucement about an evanglistic rally. Somehow, maybe because I am an introvert, I projected my thoughts and feel that no all will feel comfortable about rallies like that and so I struggled with sending it. So on one hand, I struggled with sending it but yet on the other hand wonder why I hesitated? Then, I was watching a youtube video taken of the rally years ago when one director walked past and heard it. She asked me what I was doing and feeling uncomfortable and not wanting her to know I was watching youtube, I told her I was listening to music. But immediately, I realised how I had lied and felt horrible about it. Then, I started to compare myself again to KM and how people take to her relatively well and seem to always want to talk to her and share things with her, even though I did come to realise that God had intended us to play different roles in ministry and how our giftings complemented one another. But then, I was suddenly feeling all discontented about this again. I wasn't sure if indeed I am facing spiritual battle again because I do know that the enemy knows my weakness in this area and is always using negative thoughts to discourage me from ministry.

The Positives
But even though there are these negative thoughts, I still thank God for using me to speak to a friend who was not coping well with her emotions and job situation. I felt burdened for her spiritual walk and after having agreed that she would come to cell and church to visit for a few times and in the end not come, I was concered for her. Then, I felt a prompting that I needed to "carefront" her on this but I thank God that He used me to minister to this friend through MSN as we chatted. It did start off a little rough and she did feel that I might have been harsh but gradually, God ministered and I am glad that she seemed better towards the end. I am still praying that things will work out for her. I also thank God for the leaders' meeting and the reminder about how blessed I am able to worship God with such freedom here. At the meeting, a video was shown about the persecution of the Dallits in India for turning to Christianity after centuries of oppression and isolation for being the untouchables. The video called for prayers for the situation in Orissa and showed how Hindu militants attacked the village, threatened the people and wanted them to convert back to Hinduism. In one of the scenes, one of the victims shared about how he has come to know the true God and will not abandon this God despite the opposition. Suddenly, it made me realise how blessed I am to be able to worship God and to have such peace and how strong a faith this person has, much different from me, whining from the slightest trouble. I thank God for the reminder.

Things Brightening Up
But I thank God for how things cleared up... For my fellow leader in the campus ministry, I am glad how me and KM were able to meet her on Tuesday and talked about things... We shared stories and encouragement and I was glad when I heard how she was feeling comfortable with our cell; a gathering of introverted people... As she shared about this, I thanked God for helping to make the cell so... months ago, I would not have thought I would see this day when God would use this cell mightily, drawing the right people to this cell and ministering to them.

For my fellow leader, I have yet to see him after the leaders' night but then I trust that God will see him through and knowing that he is having help in his ministry now does make me feel relieved. All I can do now is just pray. For the visitor who was non-conversant on Friday, I thank God that she replied my message on Sunday even though there was no response on the whole of Saturday.

For the friend who was upset with the remarks some visitors made about his house, I am glad that he looked OK on Sunday and instead of avoiding us, he had lunch with us. I do not know whether God ministered to him but then when I know that Pastor was going to spend some time speaking about the upcoming Christmas program and urging people to open up their house for it, I was thinking "Oh no God, must we talk about this now given what happened recently?" But nonetheless, I trust that God is in control of the situation. So I thank God that things seems to be OK and that evening, when I returned home, I realised that this friend had emailed me the day before and he did say that he will open his house again when things are more settled and he settle down with his partner in the home. Thank God!

Meeting the Parents
Having been worried for people the whole of Saturday, both KM and me decided that we will just commit them into the Lord because that evening, I was supposed to meet her parents for dinner for the first time. I was nervous beyond words and throughout the whole dinner, I was rather quiet and did not even know what to do, whether to take food for the parents or what to say. KM assured me that I did fine but I totally said nothing to her father because I knew no cantonese while his father only spoke cantonese. Several times, KM had to translate and I even heard the questions wrongly and answered wrongly... Then, I remember crossing glances with her dad a few times and quickly looking away because her dad did look a little fierce and I felt awkward. KM told me I did fine but then I am not very sure what's the parents' first impression of me. But nonetheless, the dinner went OK and at least nothing major went wrong. I later learnt from KM that her father did ask me to learn cantonese so we can talk.

Thank You Lord

2008-09-13T15:14:00.004+08:00

Hours pass by so quickly and now I know why sometimes people wish they can have more than 24 hours in a day. Have been kept away from blogging for some time now but frankly, there are so many things that happened that I wanted to blog about; so as to chronicle my life, but yet I usually struggle with getting myself down to blog because life has just been so eventful and sometimes I just feel so drained and need more rest.

Life has changed dramatically in the last 2-3 months and of course, one of the main changes is that I am now in a relationship. I had just celebrated our 3rd month-sary with KM last Tuesday. Took a day's leave to spend time with KM and went to the museum. It was great spending time together and sharing life together. I remember sitting in front of her and reflecting how amazing it is that I am in a relationship. For a long long time, I have felt that I am not ready for a relationship and will never be in a relationship. But God has, very clearly, part of his plan to rebuild my life, blessed me with someone who I am growing to be more comfortable with. Much has changed in life and I am continuing to see how God can use circumstances, including relationships to help a person in grow in character.

God Walking and on Date with Us
True enough, we have had several trials in the last 3 months (from dealing with people's reaction to us getting together to dealing with hurt from unmet expectations) and we had both, in the process been emotionally affected by it. In fact, twice, I had contemplated to end the relationship because it was getting too trying. But I remember asking God to show me His will and how He spoke through His word that He had wanted me to carry on. Recently, I had decided to breakup and despite having heard from God not to, I remember telling myself "God, I have enough and cannot see how I am going to pull through this even though I know you will... I think it is so painful and I just can't take it anymore..." That evening, I remember meeting up with KM but then we were quiet. I saw her off to the train and as she walked into the train, I remember thinking to myself that "this is the last time I will see her off as her boyfriend" and could hardly hold back my tears. But that incident made me realise how much I cherish KM and the relationship. God later provided the opportunity for a heart-to-heart talk and brought restoration to the relationship.

But one thing I thank God is how He had been faithful in the relationship and how, as we put Him as Lord of our relationship (and even bring him on "paktoh" with us), things just work out in the end. Everytime, we go through a trial, God ministers through circumstances and help shed light on the situation and bring restoration. Many a times, things just happened and provided the opportunity for understanding and restoration to take place. For example, when we had some unhappiness over a topic, the couple devotion book (Boundaries in Dating) that we are reading that week would happen to be on that topic. And a couple of weeks ago, when we had another episode of unhappiness, God brought our Area Overseer into our lives just at the right time. Our Area Overseer and his wife had initially wanted to invite us to catch up with us (not knowing that we are having some issues) but end up having a one-to-one chat with us; girl-to-girl, boy-to-boy. There was much sharing and that did minister, at least, to me. That afternoon, our couple devotion helped me to realise how, in the midst of trying to please KM, I had been "lying" by not being my true self. And so, God ministers yet again.

Lessons on Relationships
Some things I have learnt about relationships (both couple and any relationship in general) thus far is that:

On Growth: God can use a relationship to help each other to grow;
Love as a Choice - I have come to realise how love is more than just a "lovey dovey" feeling; it is actually a choice. I have come to realise the more we love a person, the more the person will matter to us and the more we want to see the person better and also to have the person love us back. So, it is natural that we sometimes will have expectations of the person and also the slightest thing can make us feel hurt. But the real test is really whether we will, in the end, choose to love the person and forgive and whether our the motivating factor behind our every action is based on love. It helps to communicate this.

1 Corinthians 12: 4-7 (NIV) -
4. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
On Potential of Conflicts: how when two persons come together, it is inevitable that conflicts will happen because it is the coming together of 2 worlds and 2 lives. So instead of avoiding conflicts, embrace it as a growing opportunity to grow and learn more about one another as both grow the relationship. It is important to understand and get to know one anothers' faith/life stories, worldview/values, struggles, friends, expression of love, love language and spiritual maturity;
On Being Natural: I have come to realise that another thing which I had done very well is lying - not in the conventional way but in the way of denying myself and trying to please another. I have come to realise how it is important to remain our natural selves because if not, then the relationship will be based on a lie and how long can we sustain the lie? There is a need to understand and to allow each other to be themselves rather than someone else we want them to be.
Humility: But there need to also be discernment between which part of our selves can be retained and which parts needs to grow and it takes great humility to recognise that.
God-Centered Relationships: I have come to realise that whatever happened, a God-centered relationship is built on strong foundations because God is Almighty and He watches, blesses, guides and restores. And as the couple makes effort to grow in the Lord together, things grow.

Psalm 127:1 (NIV) -
Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain.

Matthew 7:24-27 (NIV) -
24. "Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

Why Date?
I believe there are yet many things I have yet to learn but I thank God that so far, though there had been unhappiness, there had been no heated arguments and God always manage to bring us through it all, helping to make the relationship stronger. After all, the period of dating is important in discovering about ourselves and one another. I like the way that Cloud and Townsend put it in their book "Boundaries in Dating". In defending dating, they say that "in the same way that cars don't kill people, drunk drivers do, dating does not hurt people, but dating in out-of-control ways does". They go on to list a few benefits of dating:

It gives people the opportunity to learnt about themselves, others and relationships in a context which gives people a place to grow and learn, in safety of people who can help them develop
It provides a context to work through issues
It helps build relationship skills
It can heal and repair
It is relational and brings people together
It helps us learn what we like and dislike in the opposite sex
It gives a context to learn sexual self-control and other delays of gratification

Life Partnership, Spiritual Partnership
I can see how God has blessed me with a partner, who not only complements me in ministry but also has been alongside me serving in ministry all along... I have come to, not only realise but also accept, how God has brought the two of us together to mightily serve in ministry with our giftings. I have come to realise how KM has the ability of bringing people together and making them feel comfortable and how I had the ability of understanding God's word and teaching it (though I am still learning). I thank God for blessing me with KM as my spiritual partner. I appreciate KM for how she had been so wonderful to me... I will always remember her for all the things she do for me:

the special birthday surprise where we ate tea-light dinner in a foodcourt, I got blindfolded and brought to fish spa and finally brought to the Singapore Flyer
the jigsaw puzzle she did for me for my birthday
the encouragements and cards she sent me
the help she given me in ministry
the vitamin she bought for me
the dinner she made for me
the prayers she prayed for me
the diary she bought and did up for me (and even helping to transfer all my appointments and reminders from handphone to my diary)
the acts of service including helping to wipe away my perspiration
and many others

The Gift
I am very grateful to God for blessing with someone who cares for me and loves me. Recently, I have found out that, in doing up our 3rd month-sary gift, she asked the AV crew from my church to film me giving my testimony (usually the AV crew do not even record the sermons but she requested for their help to record) and then had the DVD did up into a album with cover and booklet with my testimony printed. When I received the gift, I was dumbfounded because on one hand, I was really touched by her gesture, especially knowing that she continued to work on the gift even when we going through the recent trial and she sensed I was going to give up the relationship again. But on the other hand, I compared my gift for her and felt bad that relative to her gift, it was nothing.

A Confident Delivery
I also thank God for my work ministry because of the blessings He had given me. Despite having no prior experience n volunteer programme management, every time I look back, I am amazed how much He had blessed my hands when I see what has been achieved in the last 3 years. Projects go relatively well. Just like how recently, I was working with a group of volunteers on a project but we are having problems finding a venue for the project. We wrote to some shopping malls but have gotten negative responses. Then, I sent an email to another mall but then there was no response. Days later, someone from the organisation that managed the mall emailed about volunteering and linked us up to the mall management. Before we know it, we are discussing details for the project. Thank God!

I also thank God for helping me give a successful sharing on management support for volunteer programme management as a speaker at a networking meeting. I had initially been worried how things will turn out and had been extremely nervous because the meeting will be attended by management people. But thank God I was not only able to have inspiration on how to structure and do my up presentation slides but also confidently delivered my sharing and was even able to address questions from the floor.

Bloom Where You Are Planted
Despite all the blessings and successes, there was a period in time I began actively struggling with the decision whether to move on from my current job. Recently, during the span of a month, I received two job offers; one internal and one external. I have to admit that things are becoming a little routine at work and I confess I need challenges and a strong sense of satisfaction from being able to use the my giftings from God in my work ministry. But things were getting very routine at work. So, it was really no surprise that when the offers came, it was tempting. But somehow, there was no peace to leave. I realised I liked working in my current organisation and it is the place where I had been called to work ministry and it is also the place where I grew spiritually. I love the people here and have very supportive and genuine colleagues.

I prayed about it and asked God to show me if it is His will to move on. But, I did not feel any peace moving. I remember going to meet someone from the management of a centre to talk about the possibility of moving on to the centre and right before the meeting, I prayed to God to show me His way. When I was in the office, I saw this poster which said "Bloom where you are planted", seemingly telling me to stay on and bloom where God has placed me. Then, to my pleasant surprise, I suddenly receive news how I might be getting external funding for my volunteer programme and might be getting a new manpower. It did give me much excitement to know how much more I can do with the funding and how I can bring volunteer resources management to the next level in my organisation. And also, as I spoke to the management of the centre and when I spoke about the news about the funding, this person in fact then adviced me to stay put given that it is fair that if I secured the funding, I need to stay to provide continuity to the programme. So I guess, it is still to stay for the time being. I thank God for being able to finish the proposal for the funding relatively easily and how thoughts and ideas just came and flowed. In fact, I have unofficially heard how the funder was having high hopes on our proposal and hope to see it awarded the funding. I do not know what the future holds but commit it to the Lord.

I thank God for also reminding me of the role in my work recently when I saw one of our volunteers' life story being featured on TV. Though I am not really working with volunteers directly, God used that TV programme to help me realise how volunteerism can impact people's lives and how I was indirectly making that possible. As I watched the TV programme, I do not know why but I felt a great sense of satisfaction to know that I have made a difference, even though not directly. Thank you Lord for working in this person's life and for reminding me about this as well.

Ask That Department to Sign
However, something at work does make me feel rather troubled recently. I had thought that an issue I had with coordinating collection drives is over but it seems to always come back to haunt me again and again. I had initially developed a form to help my volunteers with their proposals because some of them do not know how to type proposals and everytime they want to organise a collection drive, they will always miss out details here and there. In the end, valuable time is always wasted trying to get the details. So with good intentions, I went to develop a form to help them conceptualise their projects. But then, I remember that it did stir up a little displeasure; with that form, it surfaced a problem about the coordination of such drives sometime falling into noman's land because sometimes people do not want to take up the endorsement of this form. My boss was a bit concerned about the form and did warn me about encroaching others' boundaries when I developed this form. But ultimately, things worked out and kind of sorted out.

However, a recent streamlining exercise meant that the same question surfaced again. When I aksed one of the directors about it to see if her department can endorse the form for collection drives relevant to her department. She responded and asked if the form is endorsed by management. I started to sense I was in trouble because it wasn't. But again, I sensed she was not willing to take the endorsement of this form up and mentioned how another department was supposed to sign it. I hate this feeling of being caught in between and am concerned what my boss is going to say when she sees the email from this director. I am kind of disappointed sometimes when people draw extremely clear boundaries with what is my work and what is your work. It doesn't help that later, I was discussing something with another colleague over the phone and this colleague was sharing about how "political" this director is. She also shared about how sometimes it is difficult to get budget to appreciate volunteers because sometimes such expenses are not approved. It did make me a little disappointed because I know my job is to help my organisation develop its volunteer programme but unless there are reasonable resources available for it, how can I grow it?

Ministry-wise, I also thank God for blessing my cell ministry. From a core of 3 people at the lowest point in my ministry last year when I wanted to give up, I thank God for bringing people to cell and for making cell what it is today.

It is amazing to realise how God has brought KM into my life to not only bless my life but also bless cell; each of us playing different roles using our giftings.
It is amazing seeing how I have sensed from God how He wanted this cell to minister to people who are hurting, backslided and misled and to see the people who God brought into the cell. Initially, I lamented to God how I cannot compare to other cell leaders, who seem to be extroverted and so eloquent and even charismatic but then, looking at the people in my cell now, all being introverted people, it is as if God is reminding me how He has made every leader different for different purposes and although I am unlike those leaders, I have a purpose to help minister to these people through this cell.
It is amazing seeing how every week God leading the discussion (even though I am always not confident about it) and how God uses the session to minister to some people.
It is amazing everytime I see my people worshipping and growing in the Lord and how some have even came out of their cocoon having been hurted by people before...
It is amazing to see how everyone in the cell are all so different but yet I can see how God had brought them in to serve in different roles... how God has placed some (who seemed to be extroverted but are actually introverted) in the cell to provide some joy, how God has placed some to create an atmosphere for deep sharing, how God has placed some to bring people together, how God has placed some to provide wisdom in biblical knowledge, how God has placed some to bless in coordinating.

I also thank God for helping me through my testimony on 23 August. I was scared stiff just thinking about it, presenting my testimony in front of a whole congregation of about 2000 people... but then I sensed God wanted me to share and bless others as He had blessed me, so I told Him that I am leaving it in His hands... I remember meeting KM early for breakfast that morning and we prayed... And then, I remember feeling all funny sitting in front of the worship centre with the pastors; not very used to sitting so near the stage and beside the pastors. Somehow, I always have fear of being near authority figures be it my attachment supervisor or boss etc :D Then, I remember I was feeling all nervous and on one hand, I so wanted the testimony to be over quickly but yet on the other hand dreaded it. But I remember standing there in front and worshipping the Lord and as if the Lord was affirming me... telling me that it is worthy to praise His name... and the songs that day were all on that... As one of the songs, Worthy, went "how can I not sing..." and yet another song, Mighty to Save reminded me how God is able to use my testimony mightily to release healing and restoration. I have then come to realise how the worship has calmed me down.

As a result, I was surprised how I was able to pull the whole thing off and how I could even joke. Many later came to tell me how I did not seem nervous at all and thanked me for the testimony. Well, all I can say is I availed myself and God used my testimony. Hope people will step forward to receive restoration from God through my testimony.

Thank you Lord for everything!

Thank You Lord - Don Moen

The BU Letter That Never Went Out

2008-09-01T15:40:00.003+08:00

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Still Pressing On...

2008-08-21T11:58:00.009+08:00

I am really struggling to come in to blog... there is a part of me that wants to blog because it chronicles my walk with the Lord and also helps me reflect on life so far but then on the other hand, maybe because I do not have time and really feel exhausted by the end of the day, so I will always put off blogging.

Anyway, just ended my aqua aerobics class yesterday and in a way, I am kind of relieved because it is one thing off my schedule. But then, frankly, I do feel the difference to my physical health going for aqua aerobics (some also say I look slimmer :D) but then since I am already paying for my gym, I might as well use the gym. Just went to work out for more than an hour last Tuesday and would say it was a good workout... Together with yesterday's aqua aerobics, I am feeling a bit better in terms of health, at least my abs feel tighter though sore now... put on a little weight the past few months, maybe because of my busy schedule and having put off going to the gym for a while. Also resumed started to put in more effort in doing my physiotherapy exercises in the morning, so guess maybe that's why my back doesn't hurt that much anymore... so happy I am walking about rather normally nowadays... for a period of time, was kind of thinking, will I be living with this pain for the rest of my life? Scary thought.

Pressing on...
Anyway, this week's the final lap... will be presenting my testimony to the church this weekend... I was very hesitant at first when I was asked to share my testimony for the "New Life Encounter" retreat I had last year. But then, having come to realise the restoration work that God has done in me and how He had blessed me... I just feel that I need to bless others as well; to encourage them to have their struggles addressed through the retreat. So I told God I am going forth in faith... but frankly, addressing the whole church of 2000-3000 is setting off a whole garden of butterflies in my stomach. And yesterday, I had rehearsal with KM and the feedback was that it sounded a little monotonous because I was reading from the script I have written. Frankly, I don't like reading from scripts because I know myself that I will sound monotonous but then thinking that I am going to be up there addressing so many people, I might just freeze if I don't have a script. Even though I had, on many occasions, delivered presentations without scripts, I just don't want what happened in secondary school to happen again. I remember joining the oratorical contest and I was supposed to speak on a topic for few minutes but thinking I can pull it off, I did my research and wrote down pointers. But when I went onto stage, I just froze and stuttered. But then yet again, I had my fair share of presenting to many people before without scripts and have made it. I don't know, maybe it is just the devil toying with my mind to make me all jittery about sharing my testimony since it will be going against what he is doing; helping people to free themselves from their bondages. I will press on.

Thank God for a Blessed Presentation
Work-wise, I thank God for blessing me so far. So much have gone well and everytime I think about how much has been achieved in my work ministry, I remember God's mercy and grace to me and how He had blessed my hand. Starting from last week, I was to be a speaker for one of the seminars on volunteer programme management. I thank God for guiding me through the preparation of the presentation slides and even the delivery. I was all nervous facing a whole room of close to 70 volunteer programme managers and management people but then surprisingly, I was able to share confidently and things just come to mind one after another to share and respond to people's queries. I thank God everything went so well that even during the sharing, another management person mentioned how it would have been wonderful to have me on their staff team and also how people approached me after the seminar to chat and another large organisation also mentioned how they would like to visit our organisation to study our volunteer programme. To me, the seminar was a tremendous success and it was a great morale booster to me. But then I am sharing all these not so much to boast because it comes to a point when I know that all these are not of me because I can see how God has blessed my hands through this ministry and things just fall in place nicely.

Leave or Not?
Then, recently, I have also received another job offer from a friend who is running a social service centre, asking me to consider helping him out in a job with volunteer programme management and also a bit of direct social work. Frankly, I was a bit thrilled knowing that there is a bit of direct social work practice, though I am not sure if I would do well, considering how people have been commenting that I seem to have a gifting in administration and systems. Though I was a bit excited with the job offer, I did come to realise that there are a lot of things that I cannot let go here... It is here where God has called me, it is here where God has blessed my hands, it is here that God blessed me with wonderfully nice and genuine colleagues, it is here where I have grew spiritually tremendously, it is here where I see my passion and skills meet.

Relieved...
CCA-wise, I felt I need to be "relieved" some of my external commitments with the new relationship; it was just too difficult to cope with so many things on hand and just not fair for my partner. Anyway, I needed time to also spend on ministry with my cell members. Anyway, last week handed over my portfolio in my professional association and I felt so relieved. For the first time, I was able to confidently chair the whole meeting and was even delegated jobs (for the last time). And, it was amazing how the chairperson taking over from me shared how he heard from the Lord about taking over the portfolio. Maybe the Lord has raised someone up so now I can spend time on my ministry and relationship.

God Spoke...
God also spoken a lot through the last weekend. On Saturday, I was to work on the cell plan for 2009 with KM and as I did my devotion that Saturday, I was reading scriptures from John 3:1-21, 1 Chronicles 12 and Zechariah 2. 1 Chronicles 12 spoke about how God blessed David with warriors and the right people to establish his kingdom while Zechariah 2 spoke about growth as God gathers His people... With cell planning in hand, could it be a promise from the Lord about my ministry? I just told the Lord that I will just go ahead and do what I can and leave the rest into His hands. Then, I remembered being all willful again on Sunday and felt that I grieved the Lord again. I remember "battering" myself for grieving the Lord and wondering how can I, a leader, continue to grieve the Lord as such. But as I read from the devotion from that day, the verses from John 5:1-18 spoke about how God healed someone at the pool and later said "Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you."... it was like a warning call...

Pass It On

Sang this song during staff devotion last week. Brings back memories and now that I came back to the Lord, it just feels different listening to this song and understanding the meaning of it all.

Pass it on - Antioch Community - lauds

It only takes a spark to get a fire going,
And soon all those around can warm up in its glowing;
That's how it is with God's Love,
Once you've experienced it,
You spread the love to everyone
You want to pass it on.

What a wonderous time is spring,
When all the trees are budding
The birds begin to sing, the flowers start their blooming;
That's how it is with God's love,
Once you've experienced it.
You want to sing, it's fresh like spring,
You want to pass it on.

I wish for you my friend
This happiness that I've found;
You can depend on Him
It matters not where you're bound,
I'll shout it from the mountain top
I want the world to know
The Lord of love has come to me
I want to pass it on.

I'll shout it from the mountain top
I want the world to know
The Lord of love has come to me
I want to pass it on.

Another Chance

2008-08-19T22:29:00.000+08:00

Sharing some notes I compiled from a staff devotion which we had recently :D hope it blesses you.

August 18, 2008

Another Chance

READ: Philemon 1:8-19
[You] have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him. —Colossians 3:10

For almost 100 years, a huge piece of flawed Carrara marble lay in the courtyard of a cathedral in Florence, Italy. Then, in 1501, a young sculptor was asked to do something with it. He measured the block and noted its imperfections. In his mind, he envisioned a young shepherd boy.

For 3 years, he chiseled and shaped the marble skillfully. Finally, when the 18-foot towering figure of David was unveiled, his student exclaimed to Michelangelo, “Master, it lacks only one thing—speech!”

Onesimus was like that flawed marble. He was an unfaithful servant when he fled from his master Philemon. But while on the run he came to know the Master Sculptor. As a changed man, he served God faithfully and was invaluable to Paul’s ministry. When Paul sent him back to Philemon, he commended him as one “who once was unprofitable to you, but now is profitable to you and to me” (1:11). He asked Philemon to receive Onesimus back as a brother (v.16).

Paul knew what it meant to be given another chance after past wrongs (Acts 9:26-28). He knew personally the transformation God can accomplish. Now he saw it in the life of Onesimus. The Lord can chisel His image on our flawed lives and make us beautiful and useful too. — Albert Lee

Christ takes each sin, each pain, each loss,
And by the power of His cross
Transforms our brokenness and shame
So that our lives exalt His name. —D. De Haan

Our rough edges must be chipped away to bring out the image of Christ.

Amazing Grace - Charlotte Church

A Timely Message
For me, the passage seem like a timely reminder because the last weekend, my church celebrated its 17th anniversary but more significantly, it is also the 3rd anniversary of my coming back to Christ after 15 years of walking away from Him. 3 years ago, God has shown grace to me despite having backslided for a long time. But God has, in His time, paved the way and brought me people to bring me back walking with Him. So now, everytime the church celebrates its anniversary, I am reminded of His mercy and grace.

"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found..."

A Changed Person
The past 3 years had its many ups and downs. But then as I stood there at my church's celebration and as the song "Amazing Grace" was sang, I reflected and am reminded how so much has changed; about how He has helped me to deal with past hurts, called me to ministry, bless my hands and guided me in ministry, help me feel secure in Him (even during trials) and how He has also helped me slowly understand who He is and realises the power of His word as He continue to speak to me through it:

"...Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved...

...Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home. "

Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,[a] who[b] have been called according to his purpose." says Romans 8:28 (NIV).

I strongly believe that sometimes certain things happen for a reason, just as how God has used my experience and past trials in helping me understand people and minister to them. I am not sure about it but then reading from Philemon, it seems that it was for a purpose that the slave left Philemon; that he become saved? Because in verse 15-16 it mentioned "Perhaps the reason he was separated from you for a little while was that you might have him back for good— no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother. He is very dear to me but even dearer to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord." So, Philemon's slave might become saved and became a "dear brother" and "a brother in the Lord".

Just like how God has Saul became king (1 Sam 9) and how subsequently David became king (1 Sam 16), I have come to realise how many many things have happened in my life for a reason. God has His purpose for things (though sometimes it seems so tough to endure):

Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV) "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (NIV) There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven

Bearing the Wages of Wrong
As we discussed devotion today, I am reminded how I am likened to the rebellious slave in the book of Philemon, who ran away from his master. But he met Paul who later wrote a letter back to his friend Philemon to ask for him to accept his slave back and that

"if he [the slave] has done you [Philemon] any wrong or owes you anything, charge it to me [Paul]" Philemon 1:18 (NIV)

To me, it was as Christ had did, taking on our sins onto the cross for our forgiveness. Romans 6:23 (NIV) reminds us that "the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord". Just as Paul as asked for forgiveness for Philemon's slave, so is Christ interceding for us:

"Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them." Hebrews 7:25 (NIV)

Blessed to Bless
And upon reflecting on my walk, God not only saves, forgives but also blesses us and work through us so as to bless many others...

For me, it was first a call back and then the call to minister to others.

Jer 29:11 (NIV) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Genesis 12:3 (NIV) speaks of the Abrahamic Covenant and about our call in also bringing people back to Him after the fall. "I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you."

God has a purpose for everyone to ultimately play a part in reconciling more and bringing more into His kingdom. Be it through directly serving in ministry in church or through the marketplace, God has given each and everyone of us SHAPE(Spiritual Gifts, Heart, Abilities, Personality, Experiences). 1 Cor 12 speaks of how we are all different and each have its gift and that these gifts are given by God for the common good of building the body of Christ...

Romans 12:6 (NIV) "We have different gifts, according to the grace given us."
1 Cor 12:7 (NIV) "Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good."

So we do have SHAPE and a purpose in the kingdom of God. A purpose that does not stop at only God's people but for us as well, just as the sculptor, in today's devotional reading, envisioned a sculpture of a young shepherd boy, despite it being a huge piece of flawed marble. It became the renowed Michelangelo's sculpture of King David. (Picture: source)

What's the Response?
Interestingly, nothing much was mentioned about what happened in the end; what's the response of the master and importantly of the slave too. It really makes me wonder... did the slave change? Did he, in the end, become "useful" (Philemon 1:11)? What about the master? Did he exercise grace and accepted the slave back? What about us? Are we like the slave? Do we recognise that we can go back to God and that Jesus is interceding for us? God is calling, are you listening? Do we believe that we can be greater in God with His purpose and vision of us? Do we change to become better after the return? What about exercising grace? Is there anyone who we need to exercise grace, just as Paul has received grace from God (having been a Pharisee and persecuted Christians) and showing grace to the slave? What would you do if you are the master?

To me, this is a short, yet meaningful book on second chances, forgiveness and grace. It's a small book (just 1 page in the New Testament) that I would have missed but just as the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15, this is as one of my colleagues has put it, a more impactful book about returning to forgiveness.

Of Wetting Pants, ROM, Couplehood and Seeing God @ Work

2008-08-09T12:16:00.004+08:00

Wow, the week passed so quickly and before I know it, it is Saturday. Quite an eventful week this week, with the opening of the Beijing Olympics, National Day, my cell members' ROM and also heard news about my secondary school's principal's passing on. But still, I am thankful to God for how the week has gone on quite well for me and I have "survived".

Wetting My Pants
Yesterday, had the opportunity to attend my cell members' ROM. It's the first time for me going to ROM. I met KM at Plaza Singapura for a short lunch before making our way to ROM. As usual, would be the usual klutz and just as we were talking, I accidentally knocked over the cup and "splashed!". The funny thing is that I recall saying to myself "oh no, not again!" but never quite thought of moving myself away. So in the end, I "wet" my pants and it was kind of "unglamorous" walking around with wet pants and also having KM saw this embarrassing side of me... sighh what a klutz :D

First Time to ROM
Was kind of excited as I made my way to ROM with KM, but then by the time we both reached ROM, walking uphill from Park Mall, I was perspiring like crazy and looked a little "unglam", so had to doll up a little :) Interestingly, the whole process of getting married at ROM is so fast that within 5 minutes, we are out of the registry office and my cell members are married :D Wow that's fast! After that, helped to take some photos for my friend and they treated us to ala carte dim sum buffet. So by the time we were done by 5pm, I was "bloated" beyond words.

Thank God for Guiding Cell Preparation
Thank God, my friends were going back to their chalet in Pasir Ris because by that time, I have yet to prepare cell and I only had 2 hours of so to prep. So thank God we got a lift back to Pasir Ris were both myself and KM sat down to prepare for cell. As we sat down, we prayed for God's guidance for the planning. It was a fruitful session and I thank God for placing in my heart the message He wants me to bring to cell yesterday evening. So before long, I finished preparing for the discussion and also chose a couple of worship songs.

A Glimpse of Life Together
After preparing for cell, we had little time left and both me and KM went shopping at NTUC to prepare refreshments for cell... I find it funny to say this but then I actually found it an enjoyable experience going shopping, helping to prepare the food, doing the dishes and even cleaning up; things that I would shun away from at home. But, yesterday, I actually enjoyed the experience, almost as if it was a glimpse of our life together in future and how we would be shopping and doing the dishes together...

Right Decision to Continue with Cell?
Anyway, cell was marvelously wonderful yesterday as I saw God work once again... Initially, when I reached KM's house and started to prepare for cell, I started to ask myself if I had made a good decision to continue with cell. Just minutes before, I have heard from KM how her sister's cell was having fellowship and eating seafood together and it is after all even of National Day and Olympics opening... I was, on one hand, starting to worry about how many will turn up today while, on the other hand, wondering if it has been a wrong decision to continue with cell... It kind of got a bit worst when everyone started watching the opening of the Olympics on TV which started at 8pm and I started to wonder how I am going to start cell. But thank God that we agreed to start cell at 8.30pm after watching a little of the opening and when the time came, I was able to switch off the TV without much objection from the others...

Thank God for the decision to carry on with cell because I got to see how God worked, including:

How He had been speaking to me about heart vs head throughout the week as He sent a brother into my path and how I was ministering to him in this area
How God helped me to see His message from Eph 1 about knowing Him and being able to share this with the cell. He has thought me about how we need to know Him more than just a saviour and redeemer and how we have to know who He is, as a triune God and as one who gives hope, blessings and power.
How cell last week and this week nicely fit together as discussions have helped people to reflect how we can move God from being a saviour and redeemer to Lord.
How a song I had chosen was missed out during worship but then I later came to realise how it happened for a reason and how the song, Deeper in Love, was later sang as the closing song, providing a wonderful close to the whole discussion session about heart vs head knowledge of God
How God has used me to minister to at least 1 cell leader during the discussion about her struggle with ministry, helping me to recall all the struggles I went through and coming to realise how God has guided me through, continuing to give me revelations through scriptures (e.g. Isa 41:9-10), pulpit, circumstances and even directly speaking to me one time.
How God guided the leading of cell yesterday and I did not struggle with words and it just came naturally. In fact, I was amazed at some of the things that I said and how everything clicked together.
How I have come to realise how God is a faithful God and helping me to realise how cell is taking off after the struggles I have gone through and almost wanting to give up... I have come to realise how God has sustained this cell and brought people to this cell for a reason, not only for a season of ministry but also be blessed by them. I can see how God has blessed the cell with a couple of people who were genuine and were willing to share their lives, opening others up to share. God also eventually brought 2 young adults who are slightly more extroverted to bless the cell with a jovial atmosphere. I was so touched when yesterday I saw how one sister stepped out in the middle to suddenly want to pray for another sister and how there was much ease and fellowship after cell, where everyone is talking to everyone. For once, there is no awkwardness and people were opening up and talking to one another... never would I have thought one day that cell would be in such a state.

Thanksgiving & Grouses
I also thank God for:

Helping yet once again to help manage my schedule; I was scheduled to present my testimony in church this week for my men's retreat (something which I am nervous about but yet feld led to share) but this has been scheduled to 2 weeks later... quite timely considering that if it were to continue this week, I would have been exhausted considering I had been busy on Friday for my cell members' ROM, then cell, then celebrating my 2 month's anniversary with KM on Saturday and then have KM's friend's birthday celebration to attend to on Sunday afternoon. So altogether, it is an eventful afternoon and thank God the testimony has been moved.
Guiding and watching over my relationship with KM through these 2 months. It has been 2 months being together but an eventful 2 months, initially almost draining us out but thank God He has brought us through. Both of us are still hopeful things will work out and continue to commit our relationship to the Lord.

Just 2 grouses:

There is a lost and found DSLR camera with 17-85mm lenses being sold for $400 at a charity sale. I have always wanted a DLSR but then could not afford to buy it but now, I have my hands on it but still contemplating whether to buy it because it is really a steal (although considering it is second-hand and the body is quite battered) but then could not bring myself to spend the $400, quite a sum. So on one hand, I am tempted to buy but on the other hand, I know $400 is a lot of money and I frankly do not need a DSLR. Sigh
I have recently been pissed off by a council member from my association. I have been maintained and putting in much initiative to develop the association's webpage and web community but everytime I talk to this council member, she just makes demands after demands and would say how some features of the web is no good and how she would want to revert to static web pages rather than an interactive web page... kind of make me real upset. Throughout this week, had many run-ins with her and at this point in time, I told her that I am not going to maintain the webpage anymore and they can find someone to do so. I am annoyed especially when my effort is not recognised and when my scope of responsibility is being "violated", denying me of my autonomy.

Thanksgiving

2008-08-05T21:39:00.003+08:00

Dear Father Lord,

I thank you for seeing me through the last few days... I thank you:

... for comforting me on last Thursday when I was feeling down. I had been feeling all drained and just wanted to run away from everything. I cried out to you and asked why you allowed so many things and ask you to take some of the struggles away, being all tired... I was feeling all alone when you comforted me with devotion on Thursday from Matthew 10:29-31:

29. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. 30. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
reminding me that your eye is on the sparrow and you watches over me

and also from 1 Peter 5:7:

7. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Later, the person who shared, also played the song "His Eyes is on the Sparrow"as a way of concluding her message from Matthew 10:29-31, reminding us that God watches over even the sparrows, let alone us, who are worth more than many sparrows... He cares...

It was rather surprising that that message was shared, considering that it was a session to welcome some new officers and saying farewell and thank you to a few who served so far. So I had least expected this message. But nonetheless, I thank God for a message which assured me.
... for sending me friends and colleagues to support me during the difficult period.
... for giving me rest on Thursday. I was feeling all down and was thinking of applying leave to just be away (despite having very few days of leave left after all the physiotherapy etc). I was on the verge of breaking down in the morning when I went to office to only find my PC not able to start (the first time in my almost 3 years of service). I was thinking "great! of all times, my PC have to go all wrong on me when everything else seems to be going wrong!" And so, I had to cancel my leave. But then, I have later come to realise how you were giving me rest from all that was happening as I stood and chatted with my colleague while he tried to salvage my computer and we caught up a little. That day, I did not get to do work at all because the computer was only repaired nearer the end of the day. But by that time, I had been ministered to by devotion, encouraged by Stitch-Giver, had time to rest and also had an interesting case of a prospective volunteer who only spoke mandarin called to enquire about volunteer and after having struggled to explain to her what volunteer opportunities are available in my limited mandarin, she called back minutes later to affirm me and thank me for taking time to explain so thoroughly, it just made my day. Eventually, I also found how an issue I was facing at work worked itself out. I was initially caught in between a group of students wanting to do interview about our work and 3 parties not being keen to help, but that worked out. Thank God!
... for watching over the talk with KM about our relationship on Thursday night, after what happened on Wednesday. It was difficult but then things worked out in the end as we shared about our disappointments. In fact, things are back on track again.
... for watching over my relationship with loved ones these few weeks and helping to restore relationships after all that has happened.
... for helping to raise a cell member to lead cell on Friday and how he so willingly agreed to do so and how it turned out to be a wonderful session of sharing... I have come to realise how you week after week have guided me again and again in cell. And when I look back, you always seem to know when I won't be in good state to lead cell and when I need help; a few times you have given me rest from cell when I was feeling down and a few times you have raised people to help.
... for the people you have sent to this cell. As I sat down in cell last week and look at every member, I have come to realise how it is so true that you have blessed different members to this cell with a purpose. This cell is a "happening cell" (as one of my members put it, "happening on the inside"). We are not your regular extroverted cell but then yet, you have placed people to help lift people up, provide the joy it needs, share geneuinely and to be healed by you. I thank you for being so real.
... for a wonderful time at Festival of Praise last week and how your message have ministered to me to show me how I can never be responsible for others' growth but how I can grow and be an impact for others...
... for giving me the courage and confidence to talk to my cell members and just enjoy their conpany.
... for working things out when I was struggling with the decision whether to take up position in my association given my current mental exhaustion and yet wanting to support my association. We had AGM yesterday and there were talk about relieving me from my current position for a second-in-command position, which would mean more stress. I thank God for helping me to speak my mind with my president and for his understanding and how in the end I did not get nominated for that position.

Feeling Like Running Away

2008-07-30T22:26:00.004+08:00

People who knows me well know I can't ___ (hint: bxxx).

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It's Been Donkey Years

2008-07-30T00:00:00.002+08:00

It has been donkey years since I last came in to blog, to the extent I am really finding it hard to get the momentum started again. But anyway, here goes...

Many things have happened in the last one month... one of the most significant things of course is that I am now officially attached. I thank God for blessing me with this relationship and for showing me how I can still accept and show love to people... although the last one month has not been easy with its challenges of attending to others' responses to the new relationship, I can see how God is working in each and every of the circumstances, some clearly God's work because the right things just happen at the right time.

Over the last month, I have also had to bid farewell to my colleague who had been helping me with volunteer management and right at this point in time, I am getting the full blast of work back again until a time another colleague comes back in to help me with my workload. But frankly, nothing much really nowadays... not sure... nowadays, I get rather tired easily and my memory is failing and my leg is killing me because of my slipdisc... But I thank God work has been tolerable but then sometimes I start to wonder where I am going in my work ministry... over the last few weeks, I have heard a sermon about how we sometimes have to leave our comfort zone and following that sermon, someone came to ask if I was interested in a job. Today, there was another offer... It kind of make me wonder so where am I going from here? I like my job here in my current place but then things are getting quite mundane and the satisfaction is not as strong as in the past... my motivation and passion has also dropped... not sure if I am tired with too many things happening in my life. But then, one thing is that I don't think I am ready to leave because this place has helped me to grow spiritually so much and the people here are wonderful... anyway, just a fleeting thought.

Then, recently, the sister-in-christ who made me lose my cool started contacted me again and started to ask me about others again. Then, when I replied to her that I would rather prefer not to answer questions about others, she sent me a long SMS scolding me and saying I am very cruel and how if the other person dies and she will not get to know how they are doing. Well, I am not so affected by her because I know her condition and felt I am not obliged to tell her everything because I respect the others' privacy...

Spiritually, I thank God for guiding me through thus far. Two weeks ago, I went to cell and was to have 8 newcomers from the tertiary congregation visit and I was nervous like crazy... In fact, moments before cell started, I did not even know how I was to lead the discussion for the sermon that week. But things flowed and people shared (despite being the first time in the cell). I just thank God for working through this cell and for continuing to bring people to this cell to be ministered to.

I was also recently asked to present my testimony to my church for the retreat I attended last year. I hesitated because it is to be presented to the whole congregation of more than, I think, a thousand over people and that is nerve-wrecking for an introvert like me... but then, I felt something in my heart which told me I needed to step forth to help encourage those who need healing to come for the retreat. I had been blessed by God and hope to step forth in faith to bless others as God has blessed me... So I thank God that I am also able to pen my testimony and submit it yesterday after weeks and weeks of brain freeze not knowing what to write. So I invite prayers for spiritual covering over me during these few weeks before I present my testimony.

In addition, I am also so glad to see a colleague of mine growing in faith. She had recently accepted Christ and is growing strongly despite having come from a Soka family background and still churhc visiting. Last week, I was so thrilled when she offered to join in to lead Tuesday devotion as well, yippee!

OK, frankly, I am a little tired now... I am tired because of all the challenges I have faced in my new relationship, I am a little tired sometimes trying to adapt in the relationship as we get to know one another and navigate through conflicts, I am tired with my current health condition (always pain pain here pain pain there), I am tired with my external commitments (I think I might need to do something about it soon), I am tired with ministry having to worry for people and what to do next, I am tired that my relationship with my sister recently seems to have hit rock-bottom and she seem so cold to me, I am tired of trying to make it up to her and yet she is still cold, I am tired trying to balance my work, relationship and external meetings, I am tired of going through spiritual attacks sometimes, I am tired at work... and I think it is showing up in my memory lapses and also in my health status... But I still trust God because I have seen Him deliver me time and time again in the past.

OK, enough for now...

Sweetness & Challenges

2008-06-21T10:51:00.002+08:00

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God Knows

2008-06-12T22:32:00.003+08:00

I want to thank God for all the wonderful things that happened in the past few days. I want to thank God for:

using me to minister on Tuesday when I led devotion. I did not really prepare for the devotion but words came and the devotion just seem to went on rather smoothly
the wonderful lunch fellowship we had as a department on Wednesday; there was so much laughter and joy as boss treated us to lunch at a unique arabic place
the talk on understanding Buddhism and Christianity on Tuesday evening and how when I got to author to autograph my book, he wrote "keep serving the King" despite not knowing I am currently struggling in my ministry
showing me how real God is in the past few days of my life and how He indeed knows...

God knows the plans He has for us... so trust in Him and His ways
God knows the pains and struggles we have... so allow Him to work, heal and deliver
God knows our heart... so quit focusing on the outside and focus on seeking His heart
God knows our sin... and He sent His only begotten son to pay the price for it
God knows the right timing for things... so do wait when God says "wait"

How much do you believe that God knows?
helping me to confidently have a wonderful meeting with my student volunteers so much so I could relate to them confidently and it was a wonderful 3 hours meeting which we kept throwing out ideas after ideas for a fundraising project and subsequently even had chance to share my testimony briefly and also offering some career guidance about choosing a job you have passion in, when they asked about how I came into this job.
blessing me with my colleague's testimony and seeing how she is growing so fast despite having mentioned before that she will not accept Christ out of respect for her mother because her family is with a Japanese Buddhist group. But not only did she chose on her own accord to accept Christ but also is growing very quickly... she even shared with me a testimony how her brother's children, also with the group, had also encountered Jesus at a very young age which made them tear in joy.
guiding me and my colleague in a tensed work situation today which made us both rather upset with one another's behaviour. But I thank God for humbling our hearts to share with one another and to apologise to one another.

There Are No Accidents

2008-06-11T20:37:00.005+08:00

People who knows me well know I can't ___ (hint: bxxx).

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Thank You Farewell

2008-06-07T00:36:00.002+08:00

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Why Me?

2008-06-06T10:18:00.003+08:00

People who knows me well know I can't ___ (hint: bxxx).

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Why Must My Handphone Fail Me? Why Me? Why Now?

2008-06-04T13:13:00.004+08:00

People who knows me well know I can't ___ (hint: bxxx).

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Breakaway Day One and Two

2008-05-20T10:36:00.004+08:00

So far, notwithstanding a little drama on day one, everything is getting on real fine here with my little "breakaway" :D I am just getting the rest I had so much come to need after so many months of juggling the various roles at work and ministry. It is always a wonderful feeling to be able to let go of all the roles and responsibilities back at home, for a little break away. Sitting at the departure lounge in Changi Airport on Sunday, as both my friend and I were preparing to head for Langkawi, we both agree how it seems so liberating when we walked through the immigration checkpoint of the airport, as we put aside all our roles, responsibilities, worries, struggles behind for the time being, for some time to ourselves. For me, I badly need this break to just rest and relax and also re-calibrate and seek God for some directions in where I need to go in work and ministry.

Maybe I really need a break because I am getting real forgetful. Just yesterday, I was going to the airport with some of my cell members who took time to see me off and I found that I lost my wallet. I panicked but then thank God that we managed to find my wallet in my friend's car. Then later in the evening, the same thing happened again but this time, I misplaced my pouch and in it was my passport. I remember getting off the taxi and started to frantically search for my pouch. It was a worrying night as I struggled between telling myself to relax (because I can really do nothing about it) while really worrying myself crazy. The resort staff were really helpful and helped me to call the airport and the taxi company. It took quite a bit of effort because the taxi companies don't seem to have a tracking system, so even though I reported the matter to the resort staff minutes just after alighting from the cab, it did take them a whole night to try to track down the driver. Heard they even had to get staff from the Langkawi airport to review the security tapes to see which taxi we boarded. But thank God that eventually, the next morning, I got a call from the reception, telling me that they managed to get in touch with the taxi driver and he will be delivering my wallet over. Wow, what a relief and finally, I could really stop worrying and start enjoying the vacation... What a rough start to the vacation. In fact, I felt quite bad for being so forgetful (second time in the same day) and putting my travel partner through this... Anyway, that's over for now and I am so glad to have been able to get my passport back. Now, it is "sitting" comfortably in the safe in the room :D

Anyway, I really like it here at Frangipani Langkawi, considering how the staff had been helpful in helping me to find my pouch and this itself has left a lasting impression. Then, the rooms are also large and it has a nice beach, good amenities (e.g. foot wash at the beach and outside each room to wash off the sand and umbrellas in the room, how thoughtful) and also a good view of the sunset. It is also an eco-friendly resort. OK, before I sound I am advertising for the resort :D Anyway, just had breakfast and am really so happy that I managed to be disciplined enough to have quiet time this morning with God. Frankly, I have told myself that I am going to also set aside time with God because I needed to hear from Him.

This morning's devotion on Acts 27:1-12, 1 Samuel 2:11-36 and Psalm 50 seems to be about obedience and disobedience to God. It really provided many contrasts between people like Hannah and Paul, who obeyed God and people like Eli and his sons.

1 Sam 2:25a If a man sins against another man, God may mediate for him; but if a man sins against the LORD, who will intercede for him?"

1 Samuel 2:30b Those who honor me I will honor, but those who despise me will be disdained.

1 Samuel 2:35: I will raise up for myself a faithful priest, who will do according to what is in my heart and mind. I will firmly establish his house, and he will minister before my anointed one always.

Psalm 50: 23 He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God."

Frankly, what struck me is how Paul stayed true to being faithful even during trials and could even hear from God clearly. And Hannah, had been faithful and had been blessed and kept her word to offer Samuel to the Lord's service and who then became an important figure in the bible. Frankly, I really long to be like a faithful servant leader for the Lord and to be used by God to minister to people. But then, on the other hand, I must agree that I am not ready for trials as that Paul has went through. It has been a tiring few months and I do see God work but then in terms of faithfulness, sad to say, I do not do as well. As much as I desire to do God's will, to minister to people, I still struggle with being wayward. But, I am reminded in today's devotion that I should not take God's grace for granted. While God is a merciful God, He is also a just God and does not take to sin and dishonour to Him lightly.

OK, on a lighter side... I had been trigger happy these few days, with my "new camera". I realise that, as much as not all people believe there is a God, but then everybody is always marveling at how wonderful nature is. To me, that is a wonderful testimony of God's creation. Again, I think, how can any cosmic activity or big bang theory can explain the wonderful things we see in nature? I don't know how to answer that but deep in my heart, I thank God each time I witness the work of His hands. And it really helps, with my new camera, I have been seeing God's work from a different perspective and trying to capture it in picture format for people. So far, the pictures turned out wonderful and while I am really happy with my camera, my capturing of the picturesque sceneries, it is ultimately God's creation that is beautiful.

So far, over the past 2 days, my and my travel partner had:

Rented a car and travelled around the island
Visited Oriental Village
Took the cable car to the top of Gunung Macincang to have a view of the Telaga Harbour from the top.
Climbed halfway to the waterfall just below Seven Wells (couldn't make it all the way up the slope to the top)
Drove around Kuah Town
Visited Durian-something waterfall
Had foot massage yesterday (Ouch, quite painful on certain spots and quite ticklish on certain spots too, had to stop myself from laughing)
Had spa today :D

So far, I really thank God for watching over me and my travel partner the whole trip:

watching over the food we ate
watching over us when we made a sharp turn today and how we swerved to the opposite side of the road but there as no cars on the other side
watching over us when we were driving near the jetty in Kuah Town and we always steered off the road into the side and may have even hit a tree
watching over us that there is no robbery
watching over us as we travel and managed to always find our ways around, although we did get lost one time yesterday making our way form Kuah Town back to our resort
helping me with my passport incident
watching over the fellowship between me and my travel partner (it is tough when 2 stubborn people come together and there were near frustration with one another but we always laughed it off. In fact, we each had our roles to play during this trip and we have played them well e.g. I am the map-reader, planner, he is the driver, treasurer and the person who always do the asking). In fact, it was quick that both of us even got "systems" into place e.g. whenever we alight from our car, we will both check our side of the car to make sure it is locked.
how we came to Langkawi at the right time because most Malaysians are making their way home to return to work after the long weekend, so Langkawi and the resort is not so crowded.

OK, now have to get more clothes because did not bring enough.

Well, an update about things between me and KM. Well, I am still very confused. Somehow, I feel my former cell leader may have spoken to her after she spoke to me over the phone about how I should take the initiative as the guy because she is waiting. How I know? Well, I do not know but then just sense it because that evening when we met, she was quite chatty and kept making fun of me. And then at our friend's wake, she helped me peel peanuts. Anyway, Saturday really paisay, misread an email and brought 3 of my cell members to the wrong place for a friend's grandfather's wake. Then later the next day, I lost my wallet and had to get their help to help me find. So paisay.

Was batheing this morning but then not alone... was batheing with a beetle. But then poor thing, seems like when I returned in the afternoon, it was dead in the bathroom because it overturned and when I tried to turn it back, there was brownish liquid coming out of it and it was motionless. RIP beetle who shared my bath with me.

At the Breaking Point

2008-05-17T12:33:00.002+08:00

"The break's so near but yet so far" - Maybe that's how I can describe how I feel now...

Been a real hectic week and despite finishing work at 6 plus everyday, the sheer mental stress of handling the volunteer management for disaster relief is really great and even after having 7-8 hours of sleep, I still crawl out of bed feeling all lethargic and all. But at least, I have come to realise how it is really not easy working in a crisis relief situation; tempers flare up and the feeling that you need to act with urgency because lives are at stake. So, I do thank God that I am only handling volunteers and even though, only volunteers for a fundraising event in aid of the victims of the Myanmar Cyclone Disaster. I really do not think I can be able to handle volunteers for crisis relief projects... at least not now.

On Thursday, I had a call from a member of public which almost made me implode... As I was talking to him on the phone, my blood was boiling and I was on the verge of exploding when a colleague friend walked in and was trying to help me cool down. The person on the other line seemed very "ya-ya" and said that it is a waste that we do not send him over to Myanmar to help with loading and unloading relief items from the plane because he has skills in this area. He kept going on and on. I explained to him that we are not sending any relief team up there now because of the difficulty of getting there but then he gave me the "I am right listen to me" kind of attitude, keeps insisting that we should send up relief items and team up there. He even challenged me how I got my manager position and mentioned sarcastic remarks about how my organisation can be better well-known if we just send reporters to take pictures of us doing work and just publicizing these photos. Anyway, I do not know how to describe his tone but then it was pure hostile and sarcastic. I almost exploded. Then, later the next day, I had a volunteer call me to complain that our staff were late. This volunteer was scheduled to help out with the first shift and he was there but could not find our booth. Apparently, he got quite upset when our staff failed to turn up 10 minutes later and called to complain and also tell me that he is "not interested" in helping anymore and would be leaving. Frankly, I am not the least happy that this has happened? What happened to the staff? Why are they late? Why couldn't they call the volunteer to just inform him that they are late? I was fuming with this incident and was thinking "is this what I get sometimes for helping you all find volunteers, only to end up having to clear up your mess when you mess up?" I was really disappointed and angry. Who wouldn't be after having scolded by someone for something not of your doing?

But anyway, there are lighter moments too amidst all these stress. Just like how when doing the fundraising on Thursday, I come to realise how Singaporeans can be so giving too... I can see most people donating $10 and some even donate $50. And I also had a burmese mother who came to volunteer for a whole 8 hours... standing there with her twin daughters, encouraging the public to donate. I have had the chance to speak to a cheerful senior gentleman who has, without fail, come on board to help us with our fundraisers year after year with his wife. It was really wonderful talking to him and sensing that kind of passion that he exudes. Just yesterday, while we were consolidating the funds raised, someone also found a $10,000 note and wow, boy is that the first time many of us see a $10,000 note so it is not surprising some were wondering what currency it is and whether it is real :D Well, I wasn't there so I didn't get to see it :(

I am also thankful for a group of friends who I managed to find time to hang out with this week, even though it is just for a while. It is always great being able to meet up with friends and sitting down to chit-chat after a long day's work. I am also thankful for two little small dumplings I have received from friends and frankly, I feel loved by the little gesture. Thanks!

I also thank God for blessing cell yesterday. Frankly, I haven't the time to prepare for cell at all, except for the brief half an hour I had yesterday just before heading to cell. So, on one hand, I thanked God for helping me pull through the week, on the other hand, I was really worried about cell, especially when it was on a topic which I struggle with too: honouring your parents (and people of authority). Yes, there were awkward silence here and there but then in fact, even though I did not prepare questions, I thank God how some actually took the effort and even courage to share some of their struggles in this area and encourage one another... in the words of a members during supper time, it was "deeper sharing" today. And deep within me, I was thanking God for helping with the session because I was really exhausted by this time, I did not have any more energy for anything. Boy, am I looking forward to the trip this Sunday to Langkawi; to run away from everything. Even though I know it is just a short break away and I will still have to come back to reality and all my responsibilities in about 10 day's time, my body was still welcoming the break... as if screaming for rest. So, as I checked off the last item on my to-do list and typed an email to my colleague on what work needed to be covered during the time I will be absent from work, it was a little relieving.

Then today, I was on the phone with my former leader and she was trying to hint to me about my relationship with KM, asking how it is and how the other party is waiting and being the guy, I needed to follow-up. Frankly, this came as a surprise to me because I had previously decided "officially" to close case with her but then now I am hearing that the other party is waiting... confused... I need some time away to think, especially about how I am going to address the issue how she sometimes, unintentionally, makes me feel bad about myself as a leader when she tries to be helpful. Not her fault but then more of my own issue.

Found an old hymn I used to sing and sang it in cell... touching song:

Father I Thank You

Father, I thank You for all that You've done.
You gave Your Son freely for me.
And I praise You for calling me, drawing me near.
Out of blindness You caused me to see.

Spirit of life, You're God's holy fire.
You've kindled my heart with Your blaze.
And I know You're refining me, changing my life.
And by faith You're revealing Your ways.

Jesus, I need You as Lord of my life.
I give all I have unto You.
Lord, I want to come under Your heavenly hand,
And to praise You in all that I do.

Chronicles of a Discoverer...

Reflections of Melaka Mission Trip

I can do everything through him who gives me strength

新年快乐!!

最近比较烦

Remain in me, and I will remain in you.

Potential of Volunteerism

Through It All

Work “Thumbs-Up” & Ministry Hmmmm

Reflecting 2008

"Be strong and courageous"

Wrestling with God

A Complicated Inner World

Closing the Chapter

For the Last Time

His Love Endures Forever

A Day to Remember, A Day I Want to Remember in Ministry

God Amidst Trials and Storms

Enduring Faith

Saviour King

Burdened

Thank You Lord

The BU Letter That Never Went Out

Still Pressing On...

Another Chance

Of Wetting Pants, ROM, Couplehood and Seeing God @ Work

Thanksgiving

Feeling Like Running Away

It's Been Donkey Years

Sweetness & Challenges

God Knows

There Are No Accidents

Thank You Farewell

Why Me?

Why Must My Handphone Fail Me? Why Me? Why Now?

Breakaway Day One and Two

At the Breaking Point